Never Bend

Chapter 9 : He and I

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My heart beats a new beat
for the first time.
Is that you?
MJ1
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I look at my wristwatch, it's already lunchtime.

I sigh. His car is the only one in the parking lot. The forest calls for me from the other end as we walk. The wind knocks the leaves from the branches, reminding that autumn is approaching. I love fall with its shades of red. It's my favourite season. Everything is so colourful, the world once monochrome becomes a piece of art. Today's arts seem like the most beautiful thing. Mesmerizing.

Just like that yellowing leaf, I wonder what my true colours are. What are my passions and desires? Who am I besides the big sister? At the very least I know I can speak my mind. It was new. For a long time, I had no voice. Words couldn't make it out. There was a mental barrier that disconnected me from my feelings. That veil was growing thin. Feeling was overwhelming, but it proved that I was alive. It just took the loss of my siblings to take me from my numbness.

We get in the car, the books over my knees, I am lost in my thoughts, as He makes a couple of calls. Obviously, feeding me wasn't his top priority, but I was now too self absorbed to care. I lock my seatbelt.

Meanwhile my mind drifts to my family...

Memories of the happy days with Mom loving us filled my mind. She used to be caring.
My heart twists.
Then she began working more often than not. That was probably when she met Richard. Even then the fridge was always full until a few months ago. Before the summer break, the final change happened. The house was deprived of a mother and the fridge was empty. It was like she forgot that we had to eat. Every now and then a few bills would appear here and there assuring food on the table for a week or two.
Breathe, No crying!!
The cold window refreshes my forehead.

He exits the parking lot, reminding me we are to eat, but I am not hungry anymore. I know what hunger means. In the past few months, I literally starved myself some days to ensure food for my siblings.

It was in April, she didn't come home for the first time. Sasha, my landlord, was our saviour. She was snooping like always, but she often ended giving us a casserole dish. Was mother depressed then? Did Richard used that to get into her head?

When she became herself again after a month, I was hopeful, but the change happened again a few times again until my loving mother was no more. That heartless woman fully replaced her.

The teardrop that escapes my eyes feels like it's burning its way down my cheek, mocking my efforts at self-control. It was hard to remain strong, but my duties as a big sister pushed me into motion, doing the duties my mother didn't. Now that I was alone, the facade I had created was shattering opening the festered wounds in my soul.

I close my eyes and recoil in my seat, closing my eyes and digging my nails into my folded arms. Somehow it helps me. A nail curls in an oddly shaped sending a wave of pain. Hurriedly, I twist it back with my teeth.

The car comes to a stop while I discreetly dry the remaining tears. Tom makes a pause waiting for me to come out. Finally making my way out, Tom walks forward and I follow until I am pulled backwards, stumbling and making contact to a hard chest. The shiny surface of the door glass reflects my astonish eyes for a second folloed by a man with a sorry expression. Tom's arm embraces my shoulders closer, making me walk a few steps back leaving enough space to fully open the door. My heart's drumming takes a quicker beat.

With his arm over my shoulders, he guides me in and into a chair. He clears his throat, shame is still written over my face.

"All this must be hard for you. I mean, being away from your family." He stalls for a second, taking his hand to the back of his head. "I don't have a family. My only family is my dad, and he never calls me at all so." He takes a gulp of water. Hum. My assumption was right. "Anyway, I made a family on my own instead and I want you to meet them."