Never Bend

Chapter 9 : He and I

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My heart beats a new beat
for the first time.
Is that you?
MJ1
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I look at my wristwatch and notice that it's already lunchtime.

I sigh. His car is the only one in the parking lot. The forest calls for me from the other end as we walk. The wind knocks the leaves from the branches, a reminding that autumn is approaching. I love fall with its shades of red. It's my favourite season. Everything is so colourful, the world once monochrome becomes a piece of art. Today's arts seem like the most beautiful thing. Mesmerizing.

Just like that yellowing leaf, I wonder what my true colors are. What lies beneath the layers I've worn for so long? What are my passions, my desires? Who am I, if not just the big sister?

For as long as I can remember, I didn't had a voice. I did what had to be done because it's right... because someone had to. I learned to bury my feelings deep, to dissociate before they pulled me under.
But now... now everything inside me urges me to cry.

I miss my siblings. The hard times, the good times... they shaped me. They made me into someone useful. Someone reliable. I cared for them with everything I had, and they love me back in their own quiet ways. That love gave me purpose.

But right now, I feel numb.

We get in the car. Books rest on my knees as I drift into thought. Tom makes a couple of calls, his voice is distant.

Feeding me clearly isn't his priority. Not that it matters. Hunger is familiar.

In the past few months, Mom often forgot to stock the pantry, the fridge. We quietly went without. I often cut my share so they didn't had to. But nothing mattered now. They are not here.

I am alone wondering who I am when I'm not the one holding everyone else up.

Breathe, No crying!!
The cold window refreshes my forehead.

He exits the parking lot, casually reminding me we are going to eat. But I am not hungry anymore. My hunger can't be fix with food.

The teardrop that escapes my eye burns as it traces a path down my cheek, like acid carving through stone reminding me how weak and fragile myself-control is.

It's hard to stay strong. I am on the verge of falling.

I have no anchor, mu siblings. They are gone, ripped from me without warning.

My goals, my dreams... they were always tied to my siblings. They were the thread that kept me stitched together.
Now, with them gone, I'm unraveling.

And the mask that wore for ao long is cracking. And through those cracks, old wounds begin to bleed. Wounds I thought I'd sealed shut. Cast away into a casket.

Dad, it had everything to do with dad.
I close my eyes and recoil in my seat, curling inward. My arms fold tightly around my chest. While my nails dig sharply into my skin. Somehow it helps me forget. Even if it is just for a moment. A nail curls in an oddly shaped sending a wave of pain. I flinch. Without thinking, I bring it to my mouth and twist it back into place.

The car comes to a stop and I discreetly dry my last tear hoping to go unnoticed.
Tom pauses waiting for me to come out.
I finally open the door and come out.
Tom walks forward without a word. I follow until something yanks me backwards. I stumble and collide with a hard chest.

I lift my eyes and see thorough a man with an apologetic expression. While the shiny surface of the glass door reflects my astonish greyish eyes.

Tom's embrace deepens over my shoulders while we take a few steps back. The door opens letting the men come out. My drumming heart prevents me from hearing their apologetic short exchange.