Muffled words

9

TW: mental & physical abuse

George's POV

How dumb was I. Of course he didn't like me, of course he never would. The fact that I'd even consider it is insane. Why would Clay, beautiful and strong, perfect in every conceivable way- like me. Tired, awkward, ugly and annoying.

The words kept running through my head as I hurried into my bedroom, crushing my heart. "it was all just a mistake and a misunderstanding, so don't worry." But I was worrying. Worrying that I wasn't good enough, that he thought I was disgusting, that even when I didn't talk I still found a way to make him hate me. tears streamed down my face and I hated every single one, knowing how much I was overreacting. I just hadn't quite processed my feelings yet and he was already shutting them down.

I hadn't wanted to believe my feelings for him, I hadn't wanted to risk losing him- but it still would've been nice to be given a chance. It might sound pathetic, or silly, but the immediate friend zone was so unexpected and so random that I didn't really know how to deal with it..so I just cried. I lay down on the bed, letting my body shake and my pillow get wet. After about 5 minutes I wasn't even thinking about it much, just cried for everything. For the stress, anxiety, confusion and deep sadness I had felt for the past few days- and did feel all the time. It had been so long since I had felt happy or confident in myself. Any hope of a normal feeling had wiped from my mind, so I was left with either feeling nothing or everything. No in between. 

But Clay had changed that, given me a new feeling. Even now when I was crying it was still there, telling me it was gonna be ok. Even if he didn't like  me at least I still have him in my life. At least he still gave me that buzz in my stomach. That flutter in my mind.

That's what calmed me down, in these endless minutes of crying. Even when it was his fault he was able to help me, whether deliberate or not. That's what got me to sit up, to wipe my face, to pull on a clean hoodie and take a deep breath.

I knew that if I let myself wallow in sadness I wouldn't come out of my room for days, and I didn't want to worry the other two. I had to force myself to keep going, to walk downstairs, to be in the same room as someone else.

To my surprise I opened the door and was met by a pair of bright green eyes glistening as they looked at me with a gentleness I had never felt before. "George! You ok?" For a moment I just stared at him, desperation and sorrow full in my mind. But I wiped it away the best I could, waiting until I was alone to let out these feelings. I nodded slowly, half-smiling and dodging my way around him to get downstairs. All I could think of was how much I wanted his arm to wrap around my waist as I did so.

"A-are you sure? I just thought I heard something when you went upstairs, and was wondering if you had anything you need to talk about it-" At this I turned to him, a clearly unimpressed expression on my face to try and portray sarcasm in response to the words "talk about it". He hesitated before sighing and looking down at the floor, letting me go downstairs. I wasn't 100% sure what to do, but I knew that if I stayed there was more risk of some kind of argument or confession, so did what he expected me to do and made my way down to the kitchen. I could swear I heard a disappointed sigh from behind me, but gave up the idea as my imagination. Wishful thinking was not what I needed right then.

An hour later I was sat on the sofa, the same video playing on repeat from my phone as I stared at the ceiling lost in thought. No one had walked into the room for a while, so when Nick did my natural reaction was to snap my head up to look at him. He was stood wearing loose black shorts and no shirt, damp hair dripping over his eyes. "Hey Gogs! You alright?" I nodded slightly, half-smiling and turning back to my phone.