Kiss Me Goodbye

Chapter 25

I could feel his pain. I could see him struggling to make a decision whether to trust me or not and I hoped to god he would.

I knew that like everyone else in this world he had his demons to fight. I knew from his frown that his past must have been hard. I didn't expect that.

He never showed his pain. I had taken him by surprise this instance otherwise I think I would not have noticed, and he would not have shown his pain.

I knew that it must have been something I said or did that triggered this reaction and it hurt to realize that I unintentionally hurt him. What hurt more was the knowledge that I didn't know him as well as I thought I did or as I wanted to.

I wanted to know everything, every little insignificant detail about him. I wanted him to trust me enough, to tell me his every thought. I wanted... I wanted... I wanted... I wanted so much. I wanted things that could never happen.

I waited. I didn't want to force him to confide in me, I wanted it to be his decision because it would be a very special gift that he would be giving me, his trust.

He furrowed and unfurrowed his brows repeatedly during those five minutes of silence and consideration, during those five minutes of unspoken ideas that went through his head.

And then he swallowed and sighed heavily and I knew he had come to a decision. I didn't know what it was yet because he wasn't looking at me, but either way I took his hand to show him that I supported him whatever he decided.

I trusted him more than he could ever know. He was surprised by my gesture because he swiped his head to look into my eyes and he had shock written all over his face. He didn't expect me to understand I read that in his eyes but I already knew that his decision was made and that he was going to tell me, and that filled me with so much happiness and love too. And so I smiled at him.

Although I didn't know yet what this big secret was going to be, I knew how I will react. I just hoped that I'll be able to say the right things.

He squeezed my hand back trying to convey his gratitude for my support.

"I was remembering my mother." He finally confided and I could feel the hurt he was feeling and I thought that it was a fresh wound. So I asked "how long?" and I knew he understood me just as I understood him.

"Since I was six," came his weak reply and this took me by surprise. I knew that he had many praiseworthy qualities amongst which was fidelity but to feel pain this badly after twenty years and more was taking it to a new level. I immediately knew that there was something else to this story, something he hadn't revealed yet and so I tried to sympathize in hopes that he would relax and tell me more if he wanted to.

"It's always hard when you lose someone you love."

He appreciated the effort and just as I expected he tried to elaborate.

"I'm not sad for her loss" he explained, but then he corrected hastily, "I am sad, but that is not the reason I was frowning." He was slipping away; he was in his own bubble now, unreachable, almost hysterical as he spoke things I couldn't understand

"I am sad," he repeated, "but more than anything I am mad. Mad that I was robbed of my mother's touch, of my brothers' hugs and I am scared that I might have some of that monster in me..." Who's the monster, how was he robbed of his mother's touch? and he had brothers? I couldn't understand.

Worse, yes worse, he was crying now as he spoke and I didn't know how to console him. I didn't understand yet to console him. All these pent up emotions had taken their toll and were now bursting from him as I watched helpless.