Tommy Sallow is onto better and brighter things. After working a small hometown beat in upstate New York, he's finally in sunny California. As expected, it's the same shit in a different town. Except, you know, now he's near the ocean and miserable...
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An all too familiar, suffocating silence filled the car as we drove home last night. I've grown accustomed to the silence. I've learned to accept it as a precursor before the glass shatters. That silence was thicker though. Vince's eyes never left me, staring at me from the passenger's seat, letting his presence be known.
It was known.
When we got to my house, he made his way to the couch, still avoiding any verbal calm. He was stoic, angry like a caged animal. He wanted out, clinging to the bars of his cell, fighting to break free. He knew he couldn't though. Drunk or not, he's an expert at staying in the shadows. Hurting me in that moment, using his power over me would set off too many alarms. No matter how loud the voices in his head were getting, he couldn't do a damn thing to me, at least physically. He's still got me in my own prison. One of fear, dread, confinement.
I took my time putting Mia to bed. Made sure to give her extra time in the bath, read her an extra book. By the time I emerged from her room, he was fast asleep, just as I had suspected he would be.
I spent the next few hours finishing wrapping a few more gifts. I quietly positioned them under the tree before making my way to the stockings, filling each one with small gifts. Next, I made my way to the cookies and carrots left for both Santa and of course his reindeer. I made a point to leave a few half eaten ones and a mess of crumbs. And for the traditional added touch, I dropped a bell from one of the reindeer's harnesses to add to Mia's collection.
Once everything was perfectly placed, I tiptoed to my room, finally resting my head on my pillow, letting the weight of the day wash over me. My days have been clouded, hazy, but it's starting to give way as I let the color of the ocean drift me off to sleep. The very eyes I can't wait to see again, to begin to fix everything. Because it's him, it's Tommy. I know that, I knew that. I was just too damn scared and hesitant to let that be known. To let that be my choice.
Waking up this morning though, I've swallowed all of those feelings. Vince is here for one more day. Just one more day to get through before it can be just Mia and me again...and hopefully Tommy.
But for now, I'm sitting beside a different version of Vince, trying to keep Christmas as joyous as possible for Mia. He's still quiet but happy enough to appease his daughter. His hang over lingers in the bags under his eyes and the messy display of his hair. He's still wearing last night's clothes but thankfully Mia doesn't seem to notice. Or maybe she does.
Tommy's confession on the porch comes rushing back through my mind. ...she relayed the whole thing to me like she'd just watched it happen the day before.
I always thought I protected her. The fact that she remembered that so vividly, that after he grabbed me last night she didn't ask questions, makes me wonder what else she's seen. What else she knows but chooses to keep hidden.
I know her and I have a long, difficult discussion ahead of us. One that I'm really not looking forward to. I'm not ready to know how else I've failed her. What I've managed to expose her to well before she should have to bear witness to it. But after last night, I know I can't continue to be naive to what she's seen. I just hope she's willing to open up to me the way she did with Tommy. I thought a lot about that last night. The fact that she trusted him enough to share that with him, a trust I don't intend to betray. So, if she chooses not to talk to me, if Tommy is the only person she chooses to confide in, I'm okay with that. As long as she has someone to talk to, even if it ends up not being me.
