Incendiary

18. Insecurities are rivers run dry

okay so for the next few chapters of this book, you'll have to trust the process. Nova is insecure, lost, and has major issues with trust and commitment. You have to understand that everything she does is because she thinks she's keeping herself safe. She doesn't know better, so let's not start bashing her.

TW: Suicidal thoughts, talks of death, mild slut-shaming, and a lot of topics that surround mental health

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Nova

It's early in the morning, and I feel attached to my bed. I have work soon, but the idea of doing anything other than sleeping feels draining. I'm staring at my phone for the tenth time this morning. I'm staring at the only unnamed contact. I've written many messages and deleted them all because I don't know what to say. 

I haven't talked to him in a week because I went to bed that night, overthinking everything and convincing myself that he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm scared of opening up to him just for things to end the way they did the first time. I've also been stressed and not prioritizing what I need to. 

But at the back of my mind, the thought that always appears is that he isn't reaching out either. It sort of bothers me because I think I've done something wrong- something to get him to never want to see me again. Did he get bored that fast?

My days are endless and filled with the same exact shit. I have nothing to look forward to, and that makes life so much more miserable. I stay up late making up for the time I don't get during the day, and I regret it when waking up feels even worse. 

I dread the days that haven't even come yet because I already know how they'll be. I've also been too busy to talk to my friends, but I've also been scared of talking to them about my newfound situation with someone.

I have so many other things to worry about- like the job that I'm barely keeping. The degree I'm still working for, and the life that I have built for myself. I don't have the time to worry about men who don't know the definition of consistency.

Though being a major hypocrite should also be the basis of my concerns.

I'm worried about every other relationship I can't seem to manage, every paper that's still due, and how on earth I'm ever going to convince myself that I actually want everything I'm working for.

Nothing I do feels right. I come home crying because I can't seem to do a single thing correctly. I'm so unbelievably lost with everything, and I'm too much of a coward to ask for help. I genuinely can't provide anything worthy to anyone, and I live in constant fear of someone realizing it.

I feel guilty for ending things with Celene- even though she took it really well, for ghosting Theo- even if he seems to be doing the same, and for avoiding my own friends. I'm seeing Roma tonight to help her set up her new apartment, and I'm thinking of ways to deflect questions about my personal life. 

I am small and frail, and I want a life of opulent things, but I know I'm too weak to reach. When I'm in stressful moments, I push people away because desolation is forever a comfort. My heart aches, my body seethes, and my mind stops. I am of no worth.

Sighing, I set my phone down, closing my eyes in bitter frustration. Pushing to sit upright in bed, feeling unsure of how to walk. I know that if I spend just five minutes walking around, I'll feel somewhat awake.

I force my legs out of the blanket and feel the rush of cold air against my bare skin. I sleep half-naked in a room that's freezing, but I can't fall asleep unless my room is cold enough to make me shake.