Incendiary

19. Late night subway rides with you

This is one part of chapter 19!!

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And listen to Black beauty by Lana Del Rey while reading this!!

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Nova

Sometimes I hate living.

So much.

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I do feels so frantic and like I'm living with a countdown for every movement.

My every mood is dependent on other people's validation, and it hurts. I just want to live in the present again. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see who I am- not who I think I am.

Everything I do is for others, and I can't mind it because it's the only way I get things done. I just want someone to hold me. I want someone to tell me that I'll be fine. Tell me that shit gets better because I sure as hell don't believe it.

I want to like the rain again. I want to not sleep through most of the day. I want to feel motivated to do things again. I just want something- anything to hold onto. God, I'm so fucking tired.

I got out of work early after Mae insisted that I needed to take the weekend off early. She spoke in that slow and drawn-out voice that adults use on children who just did something bad.

I took the subway to my place. I decided to treat myself in the rare break that I'm getting. I decide to spend the night doing things I love instead of filling it with school work.

I want to get take out, have a nice shower, and watch a movie.

I walk to the small Chinese restaurant that's a block from my place. I get my order and speed walk back to my place.

Then I take a shower, the kind where you stand there for the majority, listening to the music you have playing, letting the water run down your body.

When I'm done, I change into an old shirt and sweatpants. I get my food before I set myself in front of my t.v.

I feel hungry for the first time in a while today, so I make sure that eating is the first thing I do. Whenever I feel too stressed, my appetite is the last thing I prioritize.

I go on my phone while I eat. I look through all of my social media and read through my emails. Then, it hits me- I haven't talked to Theo in a while.

I find his contact but hesitate on texting him. What if he's busy? Or doesn't have his phone on him?

What if he's upset that I didn't talk to him sooner, so he won't respond. My heart races. My palms grow sweaty at the thought of just talking to him again. I type a few words, not feeling pleased by any of them. God, why does this have to be so fucking hard?

After ten failed messages, I decided that I'll call him instead. If he doesn't pick up, I'll go on with my night and try not to freak. If he asks why I called, I'll say it was an accident. He won't pick up.

If he does pick up, then I'll just say that I was bored. Then he won't think I was being desperate. I'm being so fucking desperate.

I feel nervous as I hit the call button. My stomach is turning, and my hands are shaking. I let the phone ring three times before I panic and quickly hang up.

Staring at the phone like it's going to explode if I touch it. I'm so immature. My breathing calms down a little, but before I can fully calm down, the phone starts buzzing and my heart jumps.