First Glance

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"Credit card ko na lang, Miss." I said.

"Sige po, Maam,"

Tumingin ako kay Tito na mukhang hindi pa rin sang-ayon sa binili ko kahit ilang beses ko ng pinaliwanag sa kaniya na kakailanganin ni Jara ung iPad kapag college na siya.

I sighed.

"Tito... deserve naman ni Jara..." niyakap ko siya.

"Hindi ko naman sinabing hindi niya deserve..."

"Oh ayun naman pala e," tumingin ako ng nakangiti sa kaniya. "Huwag ka na manghinayang, Tito. Kaya nga ako nagtatrabaho para mabilan ko kayo ng mga ganiyan e,"

Umirap siya pero ngumiti rin..

Hindi na rin kami nagtagal at sinabi ni Tito na magkita na lang kami sa isang linggo kung kailan gaganapin ang online graduation ni Jara at ang birthday niya. I drove to my trusted dermatologists after Tito left, dahil mayroon akong session sa kaniya ngayon.

The staff politely greeted me and I greeted them back at binigay ko ang papeles kung saan ako ay nag-swab test at napatunayang negative. Pinapasok naman nila ako kaagad.

Nakita ko si Doc. Leah, the dermatologist, na may kinakausap. Nakita niya ako kaya ngumiti ako sa kaniya at kumaway. She smiled too at sumenyas sa akin na sandali lang. While I was waiting for my turn, I posted my picture earlier in the meeting with the sponsors.

I swipe to my following's stories to ease my boredom.

Isang video ang nakita ko at isa sa mga kaibigan ni Niko na kasama namin noong birthday niya ang nagstory no'n kaya nakafollow ako sa kaniya. It's a video of them in the suite, drinking some liquor. Nahagip ng camera si Niko so I hold my screen to stop the vid na sana hindi ko na lang ginawa.

He's whispering something to the woman beside her kaya nakatagilid ang babae, na hindi ko makita ang itsura. I let go of my hold para magpatuloy ulit ang vid and I hold it again to stop.

Now, I can see clearly who the woman is.

It's Kaye. The girl he's with in his post before.

I let go of my hold kaya nakita kong tumawa silang parehas. Kaye is obviously drunk dahil ang pula pula ng kaniyang pisngi while Niko is not.

"Jamie?"

I looked up.

"Hi!" I said and kissed Rhea's cheeks.

Rhea is also a model. As far as I can remember, I worked with her twice kaya medyo close kami sa isa't isa. She has this almondy skin and a curvy body that really goes well with her black bodycon dress.

"Oh, you also have an appointment here?"

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for them to call me, how about you?"

"I'm done na! but I saw you so I just approached to say hi, but yeah, I gotta go na. Nice seeing you!"

"Yeah, me too. Take care!"

Pagka-alis niya ay hindi rin nagtagal at tinawag na ako. Doc. Leah greeted me once I got to the room. We just chatted a little while she's busy doing the procedures in my face. May tumawag sa kaniya kaya napilitan siyang makipagpalit sa isang staff niya para ipagpatuloy ang procedures.

"Lalagyan ko na po iyong mata niyo, Ms. Alonzo."

I closed my eyes as she put the eye mask in my eyes.

Once again. Pumasok ulit sa isip ko ang nakita kanina.

I don't want to conclude easily. But, the jealousy is eating me inside like a monster. I sighed. They are just whispering, Jamie. Nothing big... maybe, maingay lang doon at hindi nila marinig ang isa't isa.

I just want to trust him.

One last time.

Because my insecurities and trauma can't take it anymore.

I call Lucy. I just want to be with someone tonight.

"Hey! Napatawag ka?"

"Nandito ka pa rin ba sa Taguig?"

"Yeah, hanggang bukas pa 'yung seminar e. Why?"

"Can you sleep here?"

Naramdaman kong natahimik sa kabilang linya. Hindi rin ako nagsalita. Ayoko naman siyang pilitin kung ayaw niya at baka may gagawin pa siya.

"Of course, babe." I can clearly taste that she knows that I need someone right now. Hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko kung wala si Lucy sa buhay ko. She's been my diary since then. She's like a sister to me dahil ayaw ko naman maging burden kay Jara dahil sa aming dalawa dapat siya iyong nagsasabi sa akin ng problema at hindi ako. "Pauwi na ako. Kukuhanin ko lang iyong bagahe ko at mag-checheck out na rin ako sa hotel, okay?"

"Okay..." I sighed. "Love you, take care."

"I love you too."

Hindi nagtagal ay dumating na rin siya, dala dala ang kaniyang maliit na bagahe at isang plastik ng san mig light. She sighed, na parang alam na niya kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Kinuha ko ang isa sa mga dala niya at nilagay iyon sa sala.

Tumungga ako ng isang baso ng san mig light.

"You assume so easily, Jamie. What if-"

"Can you blame me?"

She sighed. "Of course not! I really understand... I really do, Jamie..."

"... but also... If you want to be with him... you have to learn how to take risks, you have to learn how to trust, because when you say love, it means you have to take the risk and believe in him..."

"... It's not that kinakampihan ko siya kasi posible rin naman talagang magloko ang lalaking 'yon-"

I glared at her. She laughed.

"There's nothing impossible!"

"Ewan ko sa'yo." I pouted.

Minutes had passed and we just silently spacing out, glaring at nowhere, thinking nothing. I don't even think that silence will make me comfortable. She fakely coughs and breaks the silence.

"Mahal mo ba?"

This time I felt myself stop breathing.

Mahal ko na ba siya?

Hindi ko alam.

Baka.

Baka nga mahal ko na.

Ang sarap niyang ipagdamot e.

"Mahal mo nga..."

"Natatakot ako, Lucianna..."

"I know," she chuckled. "Love is scary, isn't it?"

I stay silent. Hindi nagtagal ay naramdaman ko nang natutulog na si Lucy habang ako ay gising na gising pa rin ang diwa. Hindi malaman kung ano ang dapat gawin. Lucy is right. If I want this to last, I need to believe in him, just in him... pero paano naman ako?

Gusto ko siyang pagkatiwalaan.

Gustong gusto.

Pero mahirap kalabanin ang utak.

Ang hirap kapag taliwas ang sinasabi ng utak at puso mo.

I saw his name pop up in my phone, calling.

I stared at it.

This is the last time.

I just want to trust him for the last time.