Wish I Had Time For Complicated

108. The Following Weeks..

Song: " visions of Gideon" sufjan Stevens slowed

Having to learn to live with the knowledge that having kids of her own flesh and blood was almost impossible crushed Sara Tancredi. Knowing that no life created by her and Michael could grow in her stomach made her heart ache hard every time her copped eyes fell upon her flat tummy.

The following weeks after she came back home from the hospital were harsh for the married couple. Sara was quiet almost all the time, she simply didn't have it in her to even try and engage in a conversation beyond "good morning, good night" and all the routine things.

And she felt guilty, she felt bad everytime she looked into her husband's beautiful but oh so sad eyes. Sara knew he was tiptoeing around her, trying not to upset or overwhelm her with talking. She noticed the concerned looks he would throw her as he passed from the kitchen to the bedroom.

And his little gestures of care didn't go unnoticed even tho Sara said nothing about it. Like the subtle way he watched over her as she slept. He would caress her hair, place a gentle kiss on her forehead. And when they were sitting on the couch he played with her wedding band unconsciously while hugging her hard to his chest.

Sara wasn't blind. She could clearly see how hard it was for him too. When Michael would take a shower, he hoped she wouldn't hear his weeping, but she knew. And upon hearing him cry, so heartbroken, she weeped too. She could see how he tried to be so strong for her, to be her rock, her safe harbour, shielding her from the outside world. And she appreciated it with her whole heart.

She had taken a break from her work, knowing damn well she wasn't in a state to interact with other people yet. It was still a big shock on her. And Michael had offered to take a break from his work too, but they both knew at least one of them had to work so they had enough money to put food on their table and pay the bills. NY was expensive after all.

But that was life after all, it served you its bullshit on a big plate and then just forced you to continue, to go on with your life as if your problems never existed. But they are always there. You can see them in the eyes of your beloved ones, you can see them in all the fake smiles and facades, telling every one you're fine when in fact at home the love of your life is grieving of your lost child.

Michael had been doing a lot of walking lately, simply choosing to lose himself in the never ending crowds on the way home. All the sounds around him somehow muffled his troubling thoughts. He knew it was selfish to calm himself with the thought that the millions of people he passed had worse problems than him. But it did work to an extent.

He never stopped gifting his wife a bouquet of flowers every Friday, but now he made sure to always put a small card that said 'I love you' on it. He felt like he needed to say it even more that he usually did just to remind Sara that there was someone for her, someone who loved her, someone that didn't blame her for the way her body chose to betray her.

His calls with Vee increased too. While Sara was taking her naps, he could call his sister in law and ask her for a cooking advice or two. But he never mentioned what was going on in his life and tried to keep his tone as light as he could.

Just hearing his family interact with him gave him a bit of calmness, made him feel even a bit relieved as he laughed at a dumb joke Linc had slipped. Michael talked with them for a bunch of different things and meanwhile tried to listen to Vee's cooking advice as he somehow managed to make something decent to eat, thanks to her.

And when they asked where the lovely Sara was Michael would always take a deep breath quietly before saying that she was either sleeping or in the bathroom or still at work.It wasn't that he didn't want her to talk with his family, far from it. He just didn't want her to feel pressure or anxiety. Thankfully for him, his family seemed to go along with that just fine, telling him to say hi to Sara for them.

It had been almost a month since they received maybe the worst news in their lives and the couple was trying to live normally again, even tho they both felt the subtle cloud of emptiness that was hanging over their heads. Still, Michael never gave up and kept on being Sara's comfort. He knew they would overcome this together one day.

One day they would have a child, no matter if their own or adopted. He had promised her a good life, he vowed to create a beautiful family with her and he was going to do it. Sometimes the thought that this sorrow would never leave them scared the engineer but then he would shake his head hard, pulling himself together for his and Sara's sake.

Every night when they went to bed he pulled her to his chest, where she could hear his calm heartbeat as he caressed her auburn hair. He would tell her that everything would be fine one day. One day. And while saying the words he wasn't sure who of them both he was trying to convince but he said them never the less.

They hadn't been intimate with each other ever since that dreadful day. Michael was scared to pressure his wife or traumatise her any further so he always kept his touch up to nothing but a hug and a kiss on the lips, forehead or cheeks.

And sometimes he felt embarrassed that he was thinking about sex in the middle of a period like this, but he couldn't help it sometimes. Like when she would change in front of him or they showered together but he did nothing more that washing her hair and scrubbing her back.He was a respectful man after all.But that didn't stop him from taking extra five minutes in the bathroom sometimes so he could take care of his business.

That was their life now, but still if he could be with someone else, he'd prefer to stay sad and dull with Sara for all his life than be with someone else. All his life Michael had leaned on his faith and nothing more. When he was little and went to a foster home after foster home, when Linc was in Fox River, when Sara broke up with him for the first time...

All he had to do now was take a leap of faith, continue to be there for his lovely wife and not hope, but try with all his might to make life better for both of them. One day.

"One day..." he whispered to himself as he switched the TV off and made his way to the bedroom where his lovely wife was waiting to slip into his arms. Her safe harbour.

Sorry there wasn't any action or talk in this chap, but I guess I wanted to show what life felt like to them after their child loss 🥺