I'm Fine

Part 2: Chapter 28

As expected, Royce woke up real early since she slept the whole evening after the aquarium. When I mean early, I'm talking 6 am. Even though I had a late night, I had no choice but to get up. Fuck me.

I can't get on the road like this. I need at least 2 more hours of sleep. We both got in the shower. I thought it would wake me up, but it only made me more sleepy. Meanwhile, Royce was wide awake. She kept going on and on about any and everything. I felt bad that I wasn't listening. I only nodded and hummed every so often as she spoke. She picked out her own outfit and I opted for some sweats.

"Thank you," I told Robyn as she handed me a cup of coffee and a bottle of water.

"You can go sleep some more. I'll watch Imani."

"I wish I could, but I need to take care of something. I'll be back."

"Royce!" I yelled trying to get her attention from wherever she ran off to. I heard her little feet before she peaked into the kitchen.

"What were you doing," I teased her.

"Nothing," she shimmied over to me and I picked her up, placing her on the counter.

"I need to run an errand real quick. Will you be good while I'm gone?" She shrugged and I cocked my head to the side staring at her. She then started laughing.

"Yes mommy." I poked her in the side and started tickling her.

"You better be." I pulled her off of the counter and she ran off again.

"I'll be back," I said to Robyn.

"Are you going to eat first?"

"No, I'm good."

I got in the car and just drove. I knew where I wanted to go, I just didn't know if I really wanted to go there. I ended up in front of Dashawn's house anyway. I parked in front of the house and just sat in the car staring at the beautiful home in front of me. I released a shaky breath and got out. The locks hadn't been changed and the code to the alarm was still the same. Everything looked just as he left it. I walked through the foyer running my hands on any surface my fingers made contact with. Only a small layer of dust coated the tips of my fingers, meaning this place had been cleaned not too long ago.

I went into the kitchen and searched for some alcohol and a glass. I found a bottle of 1800 and I poured me some, just a little. I drank all of it before putting the bottle back where I found it. I continued aimlessly walking around until I spotted the door to the garage. I made a beeline for it and flicked on the light.

Dashawn's white Rolls-Royce was still there. His other cars were gone though. His Royce was technically mine now since he lost the bet, but I couldn't bring myself to take it. Not after he was killed right before Royce was born. He wasn't even there to see that I won-to see that I pushed out a 6lb baby girl, his baby girl. I shook the negative thoughts away. I cut the light off and closed the door. It's been damn near five years and I'm still trying to get over it. It still cuts me up. I'm trying my hardest to let it go, let everything go, but it's hard. He was supposed to be here helping me, only him. We were going to coparent for fucks sake.

I didn't even want to go upstairs, so I went into the still fully furnished living room and sat on the sofa. I thought about Royce and whether or not I should start telling her about Dashawn. Would it even matter? It's not like he's here, maybe telling her would only hurt her and make her long for something I can't give her. She has absolutely no father figure in her life. Why should I fill her head up with hopes and dreams of a dead man? If she doesn't know about Dashawn, she won't understand what she's missing. Even thinking about this is fucked up because regardless of what I tell her or don't tell her, she's gonna grow up and want to know why other kids have fathers and she doesn't. Ugh, I wanted to scream, but the headache I currently had caused me to lay down instead. I pulled my knees up and curled up into a ball on the large bed-like couch.