OnlyUs

Conflicted

"So, now that your entire wardrobe is here, taking up 75% of my closet space, are you planning on moving in?" Jack smirks at the half asleep brunette who is nearly on top of him.

Alex grumbles a little, as he'd been so close to actually falling asleep again after Jack's stupid alarm woke him up.
"It's only been eight months, do you really think it's a good idea?" Alex mutters, shifting his position to look up at his boyfriend with the insane bedhead. 
Jack shrugs his shoulders a little, lazily rubbing circles against Alex's hip, "I don't think it's an awful idea." 
Alex leans up to press a kiss to his lips, "Let's think about it and talk it through. Preferably when it's not 8 AM and I don't have to do a million calls today." He sighs, truth be told, he doesn't want to. Not today at least. Still, Jack works all day today and it's the only day he can do it here without losing any time with Jack by having to go home to do it instead.
"How many?"
Jack's just curious and Alex knows it, but he also knows that as soon as he gives the answer, the boy with the skunk hair isn't going to be happy.
"Twelve." He's not about to lie.
Jack hums in response. If he spoke, Alex wouldn't like it either. The silent compromise between them is to simply drop it.

Jack is out the door by 9, so Alex makes himself a quick breakfast, has a quick shower and gets himself pretty.
His longest call of the day is with a man named Chris. All he knows about Chris is that he's really awkward and nerdy, there's nothing special about him physically. Short dirty blonde hair, usually unkempt. A constant five o'clock shadow on his chubby cheeks and dimpled chin. His eyes are a pretty blue, but that's really all he's got going for him. He's heavier set and he tends to wheeze when he breathes, Alex wonders if that's just something he does when he's turned on or if he just has asthma.
Either way, Chris pays big bucks for his most expensive subscription, as well as bonus videos, bonus photos and bonus video calls. Alex gets about $400 a month alone from him, and all this guy wants him to do is jerk it with his hands, particularly the tattooed hand showing, and he loves Alex to smile a lot. He's wildly attracted to his dimples. This guy is the reason he can make his car payment and insurance payment each month, so he shrugs off the weird kink and does what he wants.

He goes into the guest room, where Jack is at least somewhat okay with Alex doing this, he checks his schedule and calls Chris first.
"Hi baby" Alex says, using his most sweet and seductive tone. It's cheesy, but this guy loves it.
"H-hi" The man stutters out, adjusting his glasses on his nose. Alex notices an orange tint of what looks like Cheeto dust on his fingers. Gross. He smiles through it.
"God your smile is pretty." Chris gushes, eyes a bit wide as he stares excitedly at the pretty face on his screen. Alex is ethereal to him and Alex knows it. It weirds him out a little, but he loves that $400 in his bank account each month.
"Thank you baby, yours is too...So pretty," He compliments. He doesn't have to put much effort into interacting with Chris, he's pushy and gets to the point. Alex can already hear him huffing and the camera bouncing a bit. He knows what this man is doing with his Cheeto hand.
"What do you have on" Chris doesn't exactly ask. He's blunt and he wants an answer.
Alex pans the camera down, keeping his tattooed hand in shot, revealing that he's wearing a pair of women's panties, a request from his next call.
He can hear the breath in the man's throat hitch, followed by a low groan, "Take them off..."
"I don't do that baby...I can touch myself..." Alex smirks a little, keeping the camera on his pink lace covered crotch, his tattooed hand resting on his sadly flaccid member.
It'll take a lot of work to get hard over this guy. He'll think of Jack as much as he can. That'll help. He feels guilty doing that, though. Maybe he'll think of this hot porn star named Luke instead. He's hot as hell.
Yes. Luke it is.
"I want to see your gorgeous hand the whole time...Your hands are so pretty...So pretty and manly...The rest of you is so feminine and soft" Chris moans out, his wheezing getting louder. Alex watches as his eyes roll back a bit. This guy is always easy to get going.
"Anything for you, Chris." Alex says as he palms himself underneath the lace, making sure his hand stays visible. He doesn't understand the hand obsession, but it's on the more innocent side of things.
"Show me your face too"
Alex angles the camera extremely uncomfortably, his arm stretched to get the right angle. He bites his lip, smiling a little at the touching, being sure that his smile is seen and his hand is in perfect view as he thinks of the pretty boy on pornhub, rather than Cheeto fingers over here.
Soon enough, he's so encased in his own mental fantasy that he blocks out Chris's weird, wheezy moans, filling the space with his own loud, sexy ones.
"Oh baby I'm so close..." He warns, imagining that he's telling the hot porn star.
Chris lets out another wheeze of a moan "hand" he instructs, and Alex obliges happily, as his arm was going numb from holding the phone so awkwardly.
He gets a good view of his hand as he works himself, making sure his penis is perfectly hidden. 
After a few more good strokes, Alex makes sure that Chris can see as his cum spills over onto the tattoo, earning him a loud, whatever the fuck that noise was from Chris. He knows his job is done.
"You made me feel so good baby" Alex coos, knowing that Chris likes the attention.
"I did?" 
Alex shows his face, smiling that pretty dimply smile at him, "You did...You always make me feel so good. You're so sweet to me, and you're so attentive...You sound so cute when you moan like that..." He hates the words he's saying. He sounds like a shitty scripted porn, but he appreciates the little effort he has to put in. Some of his other subscribers are harder to please and require a lot more effort and thought on Alex's part.
They end their phone call after Alex babies the hell out of Cheeto boy, giving him compliments left and right, particularly focusing on his eyes since he genuinely can't find anything else even mildly attractive about this man. He watches uncomfortably, raising his eyebrows, head tilted a little bit as Chris starts shoveling his Cheetos in his mouth, listening to Alex tell him all of these sweet nothings, grinning like an idiot. Internally, Alex is vomiting. All he can picture is this guy sitting there ass naked, covered in his own cum and Cheeto dust. The imagery he's desperately trying to push out of his head has him nearly throwing his breakfast up. The relief that flows through him the second he hangs up is like coming up for fresh air, the actual nausea he's feeling slowly ebbing away. 
He tosses the phone down and sighs, cleaning himself up with the pack of wet wipes he has with him. 

As he looks around the guest room, a small feeling of guilt looms over him. If he were to live here with Jack, this would happen here more often. He thinks about how okay with that Jack would truly be. Jack has been so accepting and understanding, especially lately. However, to have his home become Alex's too, them both constantly there with no separation, that acceptance and understanding could easily turn into arguing and bitterness.
Still, he texts Jack.

Alex: Hey babe. I hope you have a good day. Miss you already and I'm lonely. :( Come home soon.

Jack: Hi love. I promise I'll come home the second I'm off. Straight to the car and straight home to you. I miss you too. I've got twelve families today! I hardly get a break, so I'll text you or call you as soon as I get my fifteen minutes.

Alex: Okay :( Love you.

Jack: Love you too baby.

The way they said I love you's came off so easy now in the past two months. During the first week and a half, both got a bit shy saying it. Now, they say it with so much confidence and sincerity behind it. 
Alex puts his personal phone back down and gets back on the guest bed to start his next call.
His acting skills are superb over the next three hours. By the time he's done, he's exhausted and he's missing the person he actually loves the most more than usual.
Alex is struggling to understand why he's so emotional today, or why he misses Jack so much. He's so used to his work schedule by now, and he knows exactly what to expect and yet he finds himself curled under a blanket on the couch crying. 
After a few reruns of Grey's Anatomy that he's seen a million times, he's asleep, missing Jack's texts.

Jack walks through the door at 6 PM, smiling a little at Alex. He looks so cute, so innocent and almost childlike with the way he's curled up in the smallest little ball, buried almost completely under the blanket with just his nose and eyes poking out.
He kneels down next to the couch, kissing his forehead. Alex's eyebrows furrow, but he doesn't wake. Jack kisses his nose next, then pulls the blanket down to kiss his lips.
Alex's eyes flutter open at the kiss, disoriented at first until he realizes it's exactly who he's been dying for all day. He flings his arms around Jack's neck, pulling him into a tight hug. The way he's feeling right now has him embarrassed and confused as his tear ducts betray him again, leaving him crying against Jack's neck.
Jack hugs him close, keeping his hold on him as he gently lifts his love up. He sits them back down on the couch, the older boy on his lap. He rubs his back, holding him tightly against his chest, "Alex...Baby why are you crying? What's wrong?" He presses soft kisses to his hair.
Alex shakes his head, choking out sobs. He has no idea what's wrong. Nothing is wrong. He just missed Jack a lot. 
He'd woken up not wanting to do those calls, this morning he didn't want Jack to leave, and all of his calls today made him ridiculously uncomfortable. Nothing felt right. 
Instead of pressing, Jack leaves him be, just letting him cry it out until the shaking slows, Alex's breathing evens out again and all he hears are slight sniffles.
Alex lifts his head to look at Jack, "I missed you." He whispers. He simply doesn't feel right today. It's an off day, everyone has them. He hates when he does though. He feels vulnerable and weak.
"I missed you too, Lex, but it's nothing to cry about...I always come back." Jack's voice is calm, quiet and soothing, and his touch is sweet as he gently wipes the tears off of Alex's cheeks. 
Alex nods, "I don't feel okay today." He admits, leaning against Jack again, nuzzling his face against the crook of his neck. It's warm and it's safe.
"That's okay. I'm here now okay? We're going to make it a good night. I'll take care of you." Jack is confused, wondering what the hell could've happened today, or if anything even happened at all to make Alex like this. Alex is rarely like this. He's emotional, sure, but not to this level. Still, some days are just off days and he chooses to apply that to Alex, unless the sweet brunette boy he's comforting wants to talk about it.
Alex lays his head back down against Jack's shoulder, nuzzling his face once more into the crook of his neck, "I feel bad Jack." He speaks up after nearly half an hour of silence.
"Why do you feel bad? Do you mean like you feel sick?" Jack questions, rubbing Alex's back.

Alex sits up and looks at him, shaking his head "No...With this. With moving in and the fact that I'm hesitating." He sighs. 
Jack takes a moment to think about his answer, "Well...What's got you hesitating? I mean, you're here almost everyday anyway." He offers Alex a small smile.
Alex tries to return the smile, but it's just a simple curve of the corner of his mouth.
"I'm just...Jack, I didn't want to do these calls today. Not here. It didn't feel right. It felt like I was betraying you and disrespecting our relationship and I hated every minute of it...I got through it thinking about the fact that this week alone, I've got tons of extras, like extra videos and pictures, and that the money is really good...That's the only thing that kept me going," he shakes his head as his eyes sting again, "I was so close to giving up and cancelling the rest of my requests." 
Jack bites down on his bottom lip. For the longest time Alex has been so nonchalant about this whole thing, passing it off as just a job and that's it. He's never really considered it as disrespecting their relationship or even let it come close to their relationship, but he is now. The younger spends a few minutes thinking about what this means. He feels like it means that Alex is genuinely taking their relationship seriously. Not that he wasn't before, but he feels like he's getting ready to put all of his effort into this relationship.
As much as Jack hates seeing Alex so sad, it's a relief for him to see Alex actually considering their relationship while he's entertaining other people, rather than passing it off as nothing. 
"Alex, listen to me," His voice is gentle, and that's what gets the overly anxious Alex to meet his eyes, "Baby, you know that I'm not the biggest fan of this. It's definitely not my favorite thing, but I know that it doesn't mean anything to you. I know, and I understand that this pays for a lot of your bills, and I know you're good at it. I know that when you're not overthinking it like you are right now, you even enjoy it. Please don't feel like you need to stop for me, and don't feel guilty. I know you aren't disrespecting me or our relationship. You've kept your promise to keep it out of our relationship, and that's all I can ask of you, and I appreciate that you do. So please, for me, don't let yourself feel guilty. I'm confident and secure in who we are and what this relationship is. I know your feelings for me are just as genuine as mine are for you." His talk was long winded, he's feeling like maybe he said too much, but then again, he's never said anything like this before. 

Alex presses a kiss to Jack's lips, "I love you." He's quiet, timid. He has more to say, but isn't sure that he wants to say it. Still, he owes it to Jack to be honest.
"I just really want this Jack, I want to be here. I want to live with you. I want to be just you and me, but I also like what I do, and it does pay the bills. I'd struggle so much without it. I'd have to go without the things I do now just to make my car payment and pay my insurance if I was relying solely on what I get at the restaurant. Then there's this other little nagging feeling in my head, making me wonder if this is too fast, to be considering living together. It's only been eight months. It feels like it's been so much longer than that, but it hasn't been....But it feels right, and I want it." He shakes his head, closing his eyes as his emotions take control again. He's feeling so confused, so conflicted and so lost. All he wants is Jack, all he needs is some comfort.
Jack understands what Alex is saying, but he also sees how much Alex is struggling. Instead of talking back and saying what's on his mind, for now he simply wraps his arms tight around his boyfriend, "I know. It's okay to be a little unsure. We'll talk about it later, okay? We don't need to rush and make any quick decisions. Let's just have a good night tonight." He kisses Alex's head, frowning when he realizes that yet again, Alex is crying. He hates it so much, and yet he feels good that Alex is really taking all of this so personally. It means that he cares. 

After some loving on his boy, Jack finally has Alex calmed down. He's got him in the tub right now, trying to get him relaxed. Alex leans back against Jack's chest, eyes closed, focusing on Jack's words. 
It's okay, he thinks to himself, Jack isn't mad at me. Jack loves me. Jack's feelings are genuine and he trusts me. Stop overthinking it. 
Jack smiles a little at him, running the warm, wet washcloth that smells of the vanilla bubble bath across Alex's arms, the back of his neck and down his chest a bit all while pressing sweet kisses to the top of his head, "I love you." He whispers to him.
"I love you." Alex smiles a little, opening his eyes to look up at him.
Jack leans down for a kiss, smiling against Alex's lips when the kiss is returned. 
Alex adjusts himself, turning to face Jack, legs on either side of him. He runs his tongue across his boyfriend's lower lip, opening his mouth a little. Jack parts his lips, meeting Alex's tongue in a lazy dance. His arms make their way around his lover's waist, while Alex's arms find their way over Jack's shoulders, pressing his chest against Jack's.
There's nothing intense about this, nothing that's making them want to jump out of this tub and run to bed, nothing that feels like either of them are proving their love for each other. It's genuine, and it's important. It's loving on it's own, and it's effortless.
They're both appreciative of the moment, especially after the sad mood today.
The way Jack responds to Alex grinding his hips down by guiding his hand down underneath Alex, touching him starting with one finger, then a second, working him open slowly, smiling at the soft breaths Alex is huffing out against his neck. He adds a third, earning himself the sweetest little honey like moan from his boyfriend's pretty mouth. 
Alex pushes himself down against Jack's fingers, craving more. He deserves more after the day he's had. He needs this. This is comforting, and it's the closeness he's been craving, the love he needs. 
Jack obliges with Alex's needs, understanding Alex's cues all too well. He lifts him by his thighs, centering him and lowering him down slowly, gentle and careful. Again, there's no need to rush.
Their lips meet again as the brunette adjusts. Bath water doesn't make very good lube, and it's uncomfortable, but just for a moment. 
Their lips part, tongues dancing together again as Alex begins to move slowly, heart bursting at the way Jack's breath catches, and his hands tighten on his hips. 
They're a moaning mess within a few minutes, hands touching anywhere they can, kisses pressing every bit of each other that they can reach, roaming each other's bodies as if it's their first time exploring each other. 
They finish together, it's quiet, it's intense as they both shake a little. It's an intense orgasm, there's so much meaning behind it. So much intimacy and pure love, not lust. 
They sit there, just kissing each other for a few minutes before Alex stands up to get out of the bath, offering his hand to help Jack out. 

Their night is spent with Alex being just as clingy and needy, he's not crying anymore at least. He and Jack are dressed in their most comfortable pajamas, they even match.
Jack makes him his comfort food, spaghetti bolognese, a glass of Alex's favorite red wine to accompany. He even uses Alex's mom's recipe to do it. He'd have to compliment her on it whenever he gets to meet her in person, though they've said quick hellos over the phone. Alex has avoided that, and he understands why. His family isn't necessarily a group he wants to be around, let alone even talk on the phone to for longer than ten minutes at a time. None of them are bad people, and they love each other, but they aren't the family that needs to know each other's lives and be overly affectionate with each other, while Jack's family is the opposite. His is overbearing, a bit too nosy at times, and even more so, a little bit annoying. There's a ton of love there, though. Their time together is always special, especially now that Alex has been welcomed into their little family. They all love him so much, they think he's absolutely adorable. Jack definitely agrees with them.
Alex sits on Jack's lap, making it awkward for them to both eat, but Jack doesn't mind. 
If Alex needs it, then Alex needs it and he's going to be supportive. Alex is never this clingy, it concerns him and makes him feel loved just as much.

In order to keep his word of making Alex's night better, he puts on some of Alex's favorite movies, laying together on the couch. Alex is stomach down on top of Jack, shifted to the side a bit, allowing Jack to breathe. His cheek rests against his love's chest, listening to his heartbeat more than he's listening to his movie, though his eyes are fixated on the screen. He'd lost track of what's going on though, and he doesn't care.
Jack isn't watching either, his eyes are on Alex, one hand playing with his hair, the other resting on his lower back. He's enjoying the closeness, and he's enjoying the fact that he's managed to comfort Alex so well. He'd worried for a moment that he may not be able to say the right things. He's always struggled with that, especially in relationships. He knows he gets easily jealous, and he knows that he gets easily offended. He speaks too soon, often without thinking about it first. Not tonight, though. Tonight, he did everything right. 
He's proud of himself for it, but he's even more proud of Alex for opening up to him and talking to him about it. He doesn't like Alex's conflicted feelings over moving in with him, he wants him to just say yes. Still, he respects his hesitation. He understands that it's not a problem with their relationship, it's a matter of Alex sorting out what feels right for him, and Jack isn't going to try to persuade or coerce him into making a decision. 

He looks down, a small smile on his face when he feels Alex's hand that's been resting on his chest slide down a little. He snuggles his boy close to him, his small smile turning into a little grin at Alex's little snores. 
Jack finishes out their movie, letting Alex sleep. He manages to wake him long enough to carry him to bed, it's earlier than they usually go to bed, but's obvious that Alex needs it. The minute they're both under the heavy comforter, Alex is right back on Jack, head on his chest, arm over his waist, leg over Jack's leg. 
It's not the most comfortable way to sleep for Jack, but if Alex feels safe, and he feels loved, that's what matters the most to him.
He settles as much as he can and scrolls his phone for a while, texting his sister here and there about how things are going, when they're going to see each other again and if Jack's living with Alex yet. They've been bugging him about it since he mentioned it to her mom, and she ran her mouth to his father and his siblings.
"Jack...I love you" He hears Alex mutter quietly. He thinks Alex woke up, but when he looks down at him, he's still fast asleep. So he's dreaming of him.
"I love you too." He whispers back, earning the sweetest smile from his sleepy boyfriend.
Jack hugs him closer, kissing his head. If he ever questioned how Alex felt, he sure as hell wasn't right now.