OnlyUs

I Am Free

Getting through the day simply isn't easy for Alex.
Every single day is a new struggle. First, he's perfectly fine, he's in the kitchen at the cafe whipping out orders like it's all he knows how to do.
Then a customer walks in who resembles the man who ruined his life and he finds himself calling Jack to bring him home, as even three months after getting his job, he refuses to drive.
His therapist tells him that it's time, talks to Jack in their shared sessions that have been getting better and better, but Alex can't and won't force himself to do it. 
To be alone again in a car is to accept what happened in full, and he's just not ready to do that.
Responsibility for their weird online relationship going too far, he can handle. Responsibility for anything else afterwards? He cannot. It's too hard and it hurts too bad.
Last time he drove himself anywhere, he was taken, thrown in a trunk and dragged into a basement where his ultimate horror happened.
Driving by himself is the last thing he can handle.

It's 5 PM on a Wednesday, rush time for people getting off work.
Alex laughs as he talks to the other cooks in the kitchen, as well as his favorite waitress Emily telling a story about this customer who ordered the blueberry pancake stack and got offended that there were too many blueberries. 
He looks out of the little window of the door that leads to the kitchen and goes cold.
While he knows that this brunette is not the now dead man who hurt him, they look too much alike. Too many similarities.

The smile fades from his face as his eyes go wide. He slowly backs away from the door, getting as far back as possible.
It's Emily who takes the most notice, as the other chefs have gone back to their work.
"Alex?" She asks, approaching him. By this point, the staff and owners know who he is. It's not like it's hard to know about the multiple states wide search for Alex Gaskarth. The minute most people heard his uncommon last name, it clicked in their head.

Alex's eyes stay locked on the door, because if this man comes into the kitchen, he needs to see so he can bolt.
He knows that it makes no sense, he knows that the rationality here is less than zero, but he can't help it and he's not okay. 
"Alex, hey, are you okay?" She asks in a gentle voice.

"No." He whispers, "Call Jack...I need to go home...Call Jack...Call him right now..." He sounds frantic as he begins to panic, he sinks down against the wall to the floor, where the other chefs are beginning to take notice and put their things down.
"What's the issue man?" A chef named Carlos asks, "Who's out there?"
Alex just shakes his head.
"Alex I don't have Jack's number..." Emily says, a frightened expression on her face.
"MY PHONE!" Alex shouts, not meaning to at all, and he realizes what he just did and shakes his head as his eyes fill with tears, "I'm so sorry...Emily, I'm so sorry...I'm so so so sorry..." He repeats almost pathetically, sounding like a terrified kicked puppy. Still, his eyes are locked on that door.

Emily shakes her head at him, "Stop it...It's okay." She looks at the guys, then looks at Alex again.
She kneels down next to him, puts her hand just under his apron to his right pocket and pulls his phone out.
Alex quickly looks away just long enough to type in his password with shaky hands before his eyes are right back on that door. He fights to keep his breathing in control, trying to rationalize with himself that the man enjoying his meal is absolutely not the man who took him and hurt him, that it's impossible for him to be, and yet the flashbacks rage on and he can't think of anything else.
He realizes that at this point, he's got his knees to his chest and he's crying, but he can't stop. Nothing is okay, and he needs help. He needs Jack. He needs someone who he knows and feels totally safe with to come and rescue him from this nightmare.

Emily scrolls Alex's contacts until she finds Jack and calls him, quickly explaining the situation.
Jack, who'd just gotten home from a photoshoot, gets right back into his car and heads to the cafe.
He lets himself into the employees only door and into the kitchen, knowing he's allowed to at this point. This isn't the first time in these three months that this has happened.
He takes Alex's phone from Emily, "You can go, it's okay. I got him." He says with a small smile.
Emily nods and looks at the rest of the kitchen staff, "Let's just get back to our work." She says quietly, earning agreeing nods from all of them as they try to give Alex his time.

Jack kneels down next to Alex, "Hey, it's me." He says in a gentle tone, unsure of how Alex would react to him just touching him, despite how badly he wants to wrap his arms around his boy and carry him somewhere that he feels safe.
His uncertainty doesn't last long as he feels Alex gripping onto him for dear life, his face pressed up against his shirt, sobbing like he's being hurt right now, and he is. Mentally, at least. The flashbacks hurt, and they won't stop, and they're giving him a migraine and he needs it to end, so he clings onto Jack like he's a lifesaver.
Jack wraps his arms tightly around his broken lover, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
"Shhh...Hey, we're gonna go okay? We're gonna go home and be safe. Did someone out there look like him?" He asks, knowing the answer already. Alex nods and it just confirms it.
"Okay, it's not him though okay? He's gone. He will never, ever, ever come back. We know this, right?" Jack asks, trying to find any way to ground his boyfriend before removing him from the situation.
Alex nods again, trying to keep himself controlled, which isn't working well.
"Okay, so we know it's not him. We know that. So let's get up, and let's clock you out, and let's go home and we'll relax and wind down, and then we can talk okay?" 
He simply earns another nod.

Jack helps him up, although even if he didn't, Alex would've come up anyway. He's got a death grip on the raven haired man. 
He takes Alex to the monitor and as he's done before, he types in Alex's code and clocks him out.
"Tell Jackie I had to take him home please." He asks Ricky, who's the chef closest to them.
Ricky nods, "Got it, thanks for coming in. We got it from here Alex, it's alright. You're good to go."
Jack gives him a small smile, leading Alex out of the back door and into the car.

They get home and Alex is back on top of Jack again, on the couch, laying practically all the way on top of him, just staring at his reflection in the turned off television.
He's embarrassed, humiliated. He's scared and he knows this isn't okay. Still, he hid for months. Then he got this job, knowing he needed to start living his life again, and it was going so well.
Then his first customer who looked like Chris came in. It went bad, the meltdown was far worse than this one and the two that came after it.
When it happened again, he made himself physically sick trying to keep doing his job, trying to force himself to be okay, but ultimately had to go home. 
The third time it happened, he almost passed out he'd been hyperventilating so hard.
Now this time, he managed to get words out. He knew what to do. Call Jack. It's better than the previous attacks, at least. 

He reminds himself that he's still recovering and that it's not a linear process, that there are going to be curves and bumps and downhill slopes, plateaus and then uphill again until there's finally some stability. It doesn't make it hurt any less.
"You doing okay?" Jack asks as he rubs Alex's back with slow, gentle, soothing circles.
Alex shakes his head, "I have to stop being afraid of strangers who aren't him." He mumbles, staring himself down in the shitty reflection, thinking too hard about his life and what he's supposed to do with the rest of it.
"I agree with you. How do we get you there though? Yes, talk to your therapist more, and yes, try to keep yourself rational, but that's not all. We need to figure out a way to help you. For one, you could try to not look out the door at the customers." Jack suggests with a little shrug.

Alex frowns at the suggestion and sighs, "I like to look out there sometimes though and see how it's going...It's nice to see people liking my food, you know? It's rewarding. I like seeing people laughing at their tables with their friends and family, passing bites around to everyone. Makes the job worthwhile. I don't want to just give that up because I'm afraid." 
Jack can't help but smile at Alex's words, loving how much he loves doing what he does not just for the fact that he loves the art of cooking, but the way he loves how it brings people together.
"Well, maybe, and don't like try this without talking to your therapist first, maybe one day, if you see a lookalike, you bring the plate of food out. You look at him and you see and realize that he's not him. I get it, he was such an average looking guy, so normal looking, that it's easy for people to resemble him, but there's got to come a time where you can look at an average looking man with similarities to him and not panic. You have to remember he is dead. He is not coming back." He tries to keep his voice totally calm to not freak Alex out anymore, but the way Alex suddenly went still has him worried.

"You want me to go face to face with someone?" Alex asks in a feeble, quiet tone, lifting his head to look his boyfriend in the face.
Jack sighs and shakes his head, "I mean no, I don't, but I can't think of any other way to help you other than facing the problem head on. I'd say I'd be there with you, but I never know when a lookalike is going to come in, and I never know if you call me if I'll be able to keep leaving the way I have been. I love you so much, you know that. You're my entire world, but I can't lose my job either, you know? So I think that if your therapist agrees and you think you can handle it, that it might be your best bet. You can't keep hiding from people anymore. You have to live your life you know? And hey, if you're not okay with it, don't. We'll figure it out." 

The way Alex had taken Jack's words to heart has him wondering if he can actually do it.
He's spoken to his therapist about Jack's idea, agreeing with him that he needs to suck it up and just do it. Face the fear head on and deal with it.
Learn to deal. Learn to handle it. Learn to move on. Accept what is and do his best to just keep going.
It's that or be a victim for the rest of his life, and he doesn't want to be a victim anymore. He wants to live.

The opportunity shows itself two weeks after the incident, the same customer as last time, except this time he's with a date. A friend, a girlfriend, wife, who knows?
Who cares? Alex thinks to himself as he stares at the man at the table with the pretty woman. She looks calm enough. Surely this man's a nice guy.
That's what they all say. Those are the ones that always have something to hide. They're the ones who nobody would ever expect to be a psycho killer. He shakes the thought from his mind and takes a deep breath as he gets back to his station to finish plating their meals.
"Hey, Sasha?" He asks the waitress for that section, "Do you mind if I bring them their food?" 
Sasha shrugs, "Sure, I guess. Why?" 
Alex shakes his head, "No reason. Just, I need to bring it."
She raises an eyebrow at him, but shrugs it off, "It's cool, I'm taking my break anyway. Anyone want anything from 7-11?" She asks, looking around the kitchen.
A few of the chefs tell her what they want, and Alex shakes his head, "I'm good, thanks."
You are so not good.

He swallows hard, taking the plates, trying to control his shaking hands as he walks stiffly to the table.
"H-hi." He nearly whispers out, looking at the man who really genuinely looks like a friendly man. He wonders where the resemblance he'd been panicking about really lies. It's the body shape and haircut, basically the view from behind. The rest of him is nothing like his attacker.
"I just, uhm, your waitress went on her break so I'm uhm..." He blushes as the woman with the man smiles at him, amused that he sounds like such a wreck.
"I just, yeah. Enjoy your meals. Uh, Erica, the blonde, she can help you if you need anything." He mumbles, completely embarrassed yet proud of himself at the same time as he rushes back into the kitchen.
He goes into the employee bathroom and texts Jack, letting him know that he did it, and that the guy really doesn't look like him at all.

From that point on, Alex has made the decision that enough is enough.
From that day, he stopped letting his fear get the better of him, and each time anyone with a resemblance to the man who tried to ruin his life enters his restaurant, he brings his meal to him. 

"I think I'm always going to be terrified of him in some ways, even though I know that he's dead and not coming back," Alex admits to his therapist another two months down the road, sitting in his spot on her couch, "But if I can keep up what I've been doing, I think I'll be okay, and then I think I'll hit a point where I won't even notice lookalikes anymore. My hope overall is that I can actually start living again. Jack keeps telling me I should actually get back in my car and drive it again, but I told him I can't drive that car and I don't want to. It's attached to what happened, so I want it sold. I mean, there's no rush, but I definitely posted it anywhere I could and if I have to, I'll trade it in at a dealership for like 5 percent of what it's actually worth. Just as long as it's gone." He's rambling, but he's sure of himself for once. He hasn't been sure of himself since his entire ordeal happened, and it's nice to finally have some certainty back in his life.

"I think that selling your old car in exchange for a new one is a great way to help rid yourself of any leftover physical evidence of what happened to you, and I think that it's great that you're finally starting to be able to rationalize that just because someone looks similar to him, doesn't mean that it's him. It's so important that those intrusive thoughts that thrust those flashbacks into your mind don't get the better of you. You're doing a great job, Alex. You deserve to live, and live freely, not as a victim of the things that've happened to you. They're part of your story. Not who you are. So who do you want to be?" His lovely therapist who's been nothing but an angel to him, at least in his mind, says with a soft smile. The kind of comforting smile that only doctors can give. Some people hate that smile, Alex loves them. Alex loves everyone who's helped him through this.

"I think that overall," He starts, tilting his head as he thinks about it, "Overall, I want to be free. I mean that in the sense that I don't want it to weigh me down forever. I'd like to tuck it away into a box and shove it in the back, not forgetting or repressing it, but letting it be in the storage of my mind, something I don't access often and something I don't need, but will always be there. You know? And I think that overall, I want to keep cooking, it's my favorite thing. Maybe I want to write a cookbook. Maybe I want to write a tell all of what happened to me. I can't do that though until I've found myself again. I'm getting there, but in order for me to get any sort of closure, I have to feel like I'm back. Different, but back. I think that I'd like to get married, and maybe even start a family, but don't tell Jack that. I think he'd have a heart attack if you mentioned kids to him anytime soon," He can't help but giggle to himself as he pictures the reaction to Jack hearing he wants kids in his mind, "I'm sure he wants them too, but we haven't even discussed marriage."

He pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts, "And I think that I want to be someone people can look up to. Like I made bad choices in my life, I did some stupid things, and I let something that I knew and felt was dangerous go on for way too long, and while I fully realize it's not my fault what happened to me, I still played a part. I want people to understand that it's okay to accept things that they can't change, and accept what is. That it's okay to realize that just because you took part in something that turned out bad, doesn't make it fully their fault. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but that's kind of why I want to write about it. I'm awful at speaking what I mean, but I'm okay at writing out my thoughts." He looks up at her, hoping she doesn't think he's insane.

"I think Alex, that you are doing a remarkable job and your wants are admirable. I'm really proud of you. You've come so far from the man who couldn't leave his house. I for one, would love to read your book. Your tell all and your cookbook. I'd buy both. Writing a cookbook might also serve as a good distraction for you too." She offers him a sweet smile, earning herself a proud, confident smile back at her.
"I know you said that you want to feel like you're as back as you ever will be before you start writing a tell all, but I think you should start jotting down your thoughts now as they come to you. Get them out, that way when you're ready to actually start writing, you can look back on those thoughts and either use them or scrap them. I feel like writing down your thoughts and tucking them away in a journal will help with your healing process too. It's good to get things out in a safe way, and I think you've done a really good job at that lately, so journaling might be another safe, effective thing to do. What do you think?"

Alex tilts his head as he considers it, then nods.
"I think that's a good idea. I mean, what if I think of something super important and don't recall the exact thought later and have to struggle to get out what I managed to think the first time? I think I'll do that, but I will write a cookbook like now. That really does sound like a good way to keep me busy. I mean if I'm alone with my thoughts for too long, things start to go bad, but if I've got something to occupy most of my time, why not try right?" He asks, a big smile on his face as he realizes just how far he's actually come.

"Right." She agrees and after a few more lighthearted chats, their session ends.

"Onto the next adventure." Alex says to himself quietly as he makes his way back to Jack's care.
He's quiet on the ride home, but the smile on his face is ever present.
"I feel okay, Jack. Like really, finally okay. I'm proud of myself. I didn't think I'd feel proud of myself ever again, but I do." He finally breaks the silence before looking back out the window at the sights as they make the long drive home.



'It was at that session where I realized how okay I finally was. It was at that session where I more or less talked to myself that I realized that my life will go on and that I can live it the way that I want to. I don't have to be a victim anymore. I am not Alex Gaskarth, the man who went through hell and back. I am Alex Gaskarth the man who went through hell and back and came out on top.
I am Alex Gaskarth, the man who is no longer afraid to leave home. The man who drives again and finds the joy in it, in escaping for a while with the windows down and music up. 
The man who comes home to his loving partner with a smile on his face after a long day of doing what I love.
I am the man who took this huge trauma and turned it into something good. 

Whether or not this book has even been read, or if it's stuck on a shop shelf, or in the storage of a Barnes and Noble, I'm grateful that it exists. 
I'm proud of myself for building up the courage to write this, and proud of myself for putting the words on paper for the world to see, or for no one to see.

My name is Alex Gaskarth and I am not a victim.
My name is Alex Gaskarth and I am a survivor. I'm alive, and I am free.'

He looks at the ending of his book, a soft smile on his face as he looks at the black and grey cover, his name on the front, the title 'OnlyUs', as he'd detailed in the beginning how this all began, on OnlyFans. His relationship with Jack, his relationship and trauma with Chris. 
It seemed only fitting. 
It had taken a year for Alex to write it, he'd written it at the same time as his cookbook, which was done much sooner and published much sooner, earning attention from Food Network magazine. It took another six months for his tell all to be published and put out.
While it wasn't the number one bestseller, it made it in the top ten list of must reads, it has garnished attention from media outlets who've asked him to do interviews, most of which he's turned down, preferring to work in the cafe rather than pause doing what he loves for the sake of his name being out there again. He doesn't want it out there.

He's free and he's going to stay that way. 

AUTHORS NOTE:
I really feel like this was the end of this book, and I feel like I ended it on a very open area.
It's up to you to decide what's happened from this point on.
Maybe I'll revisit this book later, give a little update on their lives.
Either way, I'm proud of it and I'm proud of Alex.