Savior

Pushed away, and pushed over

I woke up and was startled for a moment.

I've never woken up with arms around my waist ever before. Then I remembered it was Anthony and I felt safe. I looked at my alarm clock,

7:02

Damn, way to early for this. I nuzzle myself back into his arms. He mumbles a little bit and then he pulls me closer.

"Cam" he mumbles. Damn he's awake.

"Hmm...?" I ask.

"Do you want something to eat?" He asks and gives me a slight kiss on the cheek.

"I don't care. Its up to you."

"Its your house." He laughs.

"True, but its your choice."

"Come here." He says and pulls me closer into his embrace. "Can I ask you something?"

"...maybe...?"

"What's wrong?"

...shit... I was hoping that question wouldn't come up.

"Nothing's wrong." I said forcing a laugh and a toothy smile.

"I don't mean now. I mean... Why did I find you like that?"

Dammit. He needs to calm down.

"Anthony, can we not talk about this. I don't want you getting attached to me though, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you."

"Well why would you be hurting me...?"

Well why can't he just shut the fuck up... Like maybe I don't want to talk about it. Damn.

"Because I'm not going to stop trying until I succeed.

"But, why?"

"Because I'm not happy. OKAY!?" And with that I ripped out of his grip and ran downstairs.

"CAM!" he yelled through the house.

I wasn't listening to anything he was saying. I didn't care. He caught me though. He pulled on my arm and cupped my head in his hands. He wiped the tears that were streaming down my cheeks.

"Cam, come on. Calm down. I'm sorry, please."

"Get out." I whisper as I look down at our feet and realize he's still holding me in his hands. I tear his hands from my cheeks. "GET OUT!"

"Cam... Please."

"Just go!" I yell as I push him away.

"I'm sorry. Text me then. Please. If you don't I'm going to call you until you answer. I don't want you getting hurt... Okay?"

"JUST FUCKING GO! OKAY? Do whatever the hell you want to talk to me. I don't care. JUST GO!"

"Bye." He walks to the door and closes it behind him, but not before he had to look back at me with his sad Bambi eyes.

I looked back with tears streaming down my face.

I always push people away. I don't want them getting close.

It was only 8 in the morning and I'm already wanting to kill myself. I go up into my room and cuddle into my blankets. They of course smell like Anthony.

Surprisingly I'm really calm and tired yet all this shit is on my mind. I'm almost asleep to the point where I can feel myself floating away, then my phone buzzes. The screen reads "Anthony :)" I didn't even know I had his number. He must have put it in when I wasn't paying attention.

Anthony :) :
* hey are you okay *

I have to decide whether I want to reply or not... I decide not to and I turn off my phone.
•
•
•
I wake up and look at the clock,

4:41

Damn, I must have been really upset to even allow myself to sleep that late.

I reach over to grab my phone and turn it on. For a moment I wonder where Anthony is, and then I remember what happened and a tsunami tide of sadness washes over me.

My phone goes off so much, and I figure that they're all from Anthony. There's fucking 13 messages from him.

*are you okay?*
*Cam...?*
*please*
*hello*
*don't hurt yourself... Okay?*
*okay*
*ma'am where'd you go*
*I'm watching Spongebob*
*I miss you*
*where are you. And I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep. I cannot dream tonight. I need somebody and always. This sick strange darkness comes creeping in so haunting every time. And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders catching things and eating their insides. Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight, stop this pain tonight. I miss you, I miss you *
*please answer me*
*I'm about to come over there.*
*I'm leaving right now.*

That text was sent two minutes ago. I don't know how far away he lives. I run to my bag for my blades.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!!!" I scream. I can't find them. "FUCK ANTHONY PROBABLY TOOK THEM!!! DAMMIT!"

I run to the bathroom. "He didn't know I had these ones too." I say, staring at my only friends.

I never thought I would get this far.

I cut my wrist, but this time its not horizontally like usual. This time its vertical. The blood seeps out in a perfectly straight line. I begin tracing the faded scars on my wrist and the ones that are only now healing. Before I know it my bathroom floor and sink is crimson red.

"CAM!?" I hear my front door open and Anthony's voice travel through the house. He found the spare fucking key.

I start panicking and I cut my right wrist too. There's too much blood for me to see so I sit on the counter and cut my thighs. I don't care anymore. I'm dying slowly, but surely. Hopefully he finds me too late. He better not come up here until I'm passed out.

"CAMERON PLEASE!?" I hear again. This time getting closer.

"Shit" I mumble under my breath. My hand won't stop the motion of dragging the blade across my skin. My vision is so blurry and everything is getting fuzzy. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. No. Dammit.

"CAM!!!!" he yells in terror. There's blood everywhere and I fall off the counter. I lay on the floor and Anthony comes running in. I should've closed the door. I should've locked it. Damn.

"Cam, please. Come back. Please. This can't be happening. No no NO!" He reaches for his phone. "It's going to be okay. I'm calling for help."

"... N..." Is all I can get out. I'm feeling so powerless and numb. I can't talk or move. Yet he still understands what I tried saying.

"Yes, Cameron. You can't leave me." He dials the number. "Yes hello, operator. I need an ambulance NOW!... Mhm. Yes. She's bleeding out. She's trying to kill herself. PLEASE HURRY!!!!" He yells and hangs up his phone.

"Cam its going to be okay." He says pushing the hair out of my face and kissing my lips. I didn't expect that from him. Or anyone, ever. "Cam, please. Please. Please. PLEASE!!!" He's crying so hard and its hurting me inside, but this has to be done. I have no place in this world.

And almost as if he read my mind he says "Don't think you don't have a place or that you don't belong here. I need you. You're place is me. And you're my happiness. I can't see you like this. I will make you happy, because I..."

"...n..." Is all I can say again.

"YES! CAM! PLEASE!!!" He's so upset. He's yelling through his tears.

My eyes start to flutter shut.

"No. NO NO NO!!!! Cam, come on! Stay!" I hear sirens outside and yelling as paramedics rush into my house.

"UP HERE!" Anthony screams. He kisses my lips once more as my eyes close slowly.

~A.N.~
Hey. So you probably all hate me. I remember writing this chapter and how sad it was. Sorry if I made any of you cry. But please don't hate me. I love you all.
Stay beautiful.
•xoxo•
~love, Jacqi~