𝚂𝚃𝙴𝙰𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚂𝙴𝙲𝚁𝙴𝚃𝚂

17

Y/N was quite happy with the amount of books she had gotten, but the thing was that she still wasn't satisfied with what she had. She needed to have more, she needed to know more. She needed to get more books. And she could see why Levi was so insistent on her waiting longer with any new missions to get books. Or even supplies. People seemed to be noticing something was up. There was a larger presence of military police in the underground city.

But still, Y/N had to get more books. She felt like she was close to the truth. Really close. If she would somehow be able to get into the archives that held the most well-guarded books... maybe then she'd finally be happy about what she found out. But so far, it seemed hopeless. Maybe she could get them distracted somehow and get into the archives, but she wasn't sure how.

One idea she had was that she could somehow see to it that they were distracted by Levi. Y/N would feel bad if Isabel and Farlan got into trouble, but she knew that Levi was good enough with the ODM gear and taking care of himself that he could easily get out of any sticky situation. If he distracted them, then she would be able to slip into the archives and grab a bunch of books that would hopefully provide her with some answers to everything that was going on.

But she knew that Levi would never agree to participating in that. Y/N felt bad about it, but she had been thinking about ways to get him involved in it without him knowing that it was part of her plan. She hated the thought of betraying him like that, but she also knew that she needed to get more information. She needed to learn more and she was willing to pay a high price for it. She was willing to pay with her own life, but she wasn't quite sure whether she would be willing to pay with Levi's trust.

If he ever found out, things would never be the same between them. Levi would never trust her again and everything would be over. Y/N didn't want that. But she also didn't want to wait and wait and wait. She felt like she would rather burn brightly for a short amount of time than safely wait it out in the underground where she might die any day, anyway. Or something similarly awful could happen to her. It wasn't safe down here, life was never safe. Safe was a very foreign word to Y/N.

Levi had always been a safe choice for her, but she wasn't sure whether she was ready to risk that safety yet. She knew she would probably have to at some point, but she didn't know whether it was already time for that. But when was the time ever right for something like that? Levi was important to her, but she wasn't quite sure whether he was more important to her than knowing what was going on with the world, whether he was more important to her than her parents' legacy.

And Y/N felt incredibly guilty for thinking that. Even more so, considering the fact that she was currently leaning against Levi's shoulder, as he was sipping his tea and noting down some things, probably about the supplies they had stolen recently. Y/N was there in case he needed some help writing it all down, but Levi had improved loads ever since she had started to teach him how to read and write, so he barely needed any help from her anymore. It made Y/N a little sad.

"You look like you're thinking hard." Levi commented, turning his head a little so he could see her out of the corner of his eyes. Y/N just hummed and nodded a little. She sat up and stretched her back. She hadn't even realized how much her spine was hurting from sitting like this all day.

"Maybe I was." she answered, giving Levi a sleepy look. All of this worrying was making her tired and exhausted. Y/N was pretty sure that everyone could see that she wasn't fully okay at the moment. After all, people were making comments about it and Levi was even toning down his harshness. Which didn't make her decision any easier. She felt completely stuck with it.

"What were you thinking about? What's going on in that thick skull of yours?" Levi wanted to know. Y/N glanced down at the paper in front of him. She just shrugged as her eyes flitted over the letters and numbers.

"I don't know, just silly stuff, really. You didn't get too much done, did you?" Y/N replied. Levi shrugged it off.

"Yeah, I couldn't really focus." he said with a small smile and looked at her. Y/N grinned and leaned on his shoulder.

"I can leave if you want me to, you know? If you need to focus more." she replied. Levi laughed, which was a rare occasion. It made Y/N's heart skip a beat, as she watched him up close.

"No, no, that's not what I meant. You're exactly where I want you. I've just been worrying lately. There is a lot of MP presence down here. I don't like it. They already hurt you once and I don't like them being onto us like this." he told her. Y/N sighed and nodded slowly. If only he knew.

"Yeah, tell me about it. I've been doing nothing but worrying, really." Y/N muttered and massaged her temple. All of this was giving her a headache. The fact that Levi was so worried about her and she seemed to have very little qualms about endangering his life made her feel even worse. She wasn't sure if she could do this. She wasn't sure if she could do any of this anymore.

Sometimes she wished that the military police would just murder her already, so she wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. No more worrying about food, no more worrying about money, no more worrying about getting caught, no more nightmares about her uncle. She wouldn't have to put up with any of this anymore. True, she still wouldn't know everything there was to know, but at least it wouldn't matter to her anymore if she was dead.

"Maybe you should take a break." Levi suggested. Y/N frowned at him. Why did he keep suggesting a break? She knew that he was nervous about her going off on her own and about her stealing so many books in such quick succession, but... well, nothing had happened yet, had it?

"Why do you think I need a break?" she asked.

"Y/N, you're obsessed with all of this. I get that this is your life purpose or whatever, but you're not being careful anymore. You're risking more and more every time we go to the surface and it's like you're completely losing perspective. Either way, I don't want to lose you. Take a break."

Y/N was giving Levi a long and hard look. She liked him, she really did. She loved him even, though she wouldn't say that to him. Not yet anyway. But she couldn't help herself. She had this urge of needing to know more, needing to find out more. And she didn't like that he was in the way of that. No matter how reasonable he was being, it irritated her. Maybe because she knew deep down that he was right. But she didn't want to admit that. She didn't want to admit that to anyone.

"You can't force me to take a break." was all she answered. Levi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"No. No, that's true, I can't force you to take a break. But please, listen to me. I know you want more books. I've seen that look on your face. I know you're planning and plotting every single minute of every single day. But you're overdoing it, Y/N. Please." he said to her. Y/N wanted to cry when she saw how serious he looked about it. This felt so final. This felt like the end of something.

"Levi, I have to. I know I'm so close to the truth, I can't just stop now. I need to know more. I need to go there again and again until I have all the puzzle pieces. I'm sorry." she replied, getting up from the bench and turning around so he wouldn't see her face or the tears falling down her cheeks.

"Y/N, don't go." he said. She shook her head, making her way to the door. She still had to think about how to get into that library, but she knew that she was going to do it, whichever way worked for her.

"I'm sorry, Levi."