Unforgivable Lies (Remus Lupin)

XVII

I returned to Hogwarts the next day.

Well, we did.

Remus, forever the gentleman, escorted me to the castle, careful not to draw too much attention to ourselves. He was silent after apparating onto the school grounds, and his face was drawn. I could read his expression clearly though, and had a pretty good idea as to what was going on in his head.

He was having doubts. Second guessing his behaviour. Afraid he'd done something wrong. Which, in his mind, he probably had. The werewolf probably felt like I'd robbed him of one of his morals, by sleeping with him or something he'd taken away my innocence. Which, in a way, I suppose he had. But I loved him, as hard as it was for me to come to terms with that, it was true. I cared deeper for this man than I had for anyone for as long as I could remember.

I tried to get through to him, to reassure him that I was fine, that he needen't worry about me. Or us. But the words wouldn't come, and I felt scared then. Scared that he would leave. Scared that he'd break things off. Afraid he would decide that I was better off without him and leave without telling me.

And it was that feeling that terrified me. The intensity of my feelings towards him left me feeling vulnerable, and I hated that. I'd been vulnerable for so long, and was growing tired of it. Feeling so hopeless, so weak, it left me weary, unable to let people in. It had me giving up on life without me even noticing it. And that was the worst part. Knowing that I would surrender, that I would give in, when things got too difficult. That I'd just give up. So feeling so strongly towards a person was scary, specially since Remus was such an introverted person, he wouldn't just open up and confide in me with his concerns and doubts. Which in turn meant I had to be the one to ease his worries, to get through to him.

Which meant I had to be strong for the both of us.

And right now I couldn't.

Having to leave Remus at the entrance door of Hogwarts and find my way to the dungeons and the Slytherin Common Room was the hardest thing I had to do. I had kissed him, desperately clinging to him, the intensity of my feelings leaving me breathless and breathing hard, arms wound tightly around his neck as his lips moved in sync with mine. It was a hungry kiss, laced with feelings neither of us wanted to put into words.

He had smiled then, the feeling never reaching his eyes. He promised he'd come see me the day after tomorrow. That soothed my frayed nerves enough for me to let him leave.

It was the next day that Jenna and Dorian commented on how much better I looked. At my confusion Jenna explained that she and Dorian had been worrying about me, about my apparent distance and aloofness. They said I looked much better now, that I seemed.....happier. Dorian joked it might be Remus's doing, to which I couldn't help but partially agree. I also figured that it was most likely related to the fact that things in my life were starting to come together, that pieces of the jigsaw puzzle were finally falling into place.

The day after that was a hectic one. I was worried about my next session with Snape, and about Remus's arrival. Heading towards the Potions Classroom that evening was one of the most dreadful things I had done, and I felt my nerves fluttering in my stomach at the thought of having to face Snape for another hour and a half and re-live all those painful memories he dragged up from the depths of my subconscious. The only thought that managed to fractionally improve my mood was the thought of Remus coming later that night. I wanted to see him, even if I had just seen him two days ago.

"You are late" Snape's voice, a cold chip of ice in his dark timbre, greeted me when I stepped inside the classroom.

"Only two minutes" I replied quietly, not looking up to meet the disapproving onyx gaze that I knew was watching my every move intently.