You Can't Save Everyone

Chapter 5 - If looks could kill

READER WARNING - MENTIONS OF/ REFERENCES TO HUMAN TRAFFICKING, SEXUAL ASSAULT, BROTHELS, INJURY & PTSD

Y/N POV
We arrived back at the tower around midday and all gathered in the main living areas of the 20th floor. My team and I started to make our way back to our floor but Steve had insisted we eat with them and it was easier to give in than to fight his stubborn ass.

Kayleigh and Wanda were laughing on one of Stark's couches as they shared stories of being kids. Turns out Kayleigh was born in Sokovia and knew a few of the same people Wanda had before she was taken by Hydra so they found a lot to bond over. Leanne and Jess were sat around one end of the long dining room table discussing weapons and fighting styles with Sam and Clint. Jess was the most closed off after me in our group but she could talk about knives to kingdom come and Clint was only to happy to discuss them with her.

I was stood out on the balcony with a mug of coffee, enjoying the view and the peace. That was until Barnes interrupted it by sliding the door open and stepping outside.

"Still a loner I see?" He snarked.

"Takes one to know one" I quipped back.

"Fair enough" Barnes replied, leaning on the balcony about an meter to my right.

"What do you want Barnes? Can't I have 5 minutes peace without an argument?" I said turning to face him.

"Are you waving a white flag Peters?" he replied with a smirk.

"Not a chance soldier boy" I said with a similar grin.

It was a more humorous exchange than we usually had and I'd be lying if  I said it wasn't a nice change but Barnes' face became serious and his brows furrowed, "Why did you push Steve out of the way?" he asked turning his head to look at me.

"What?" I said taken aback by his question.

"You could've let the bullet hit him and there'd be one less Avenger for you to wage war against once all the bases are destroyed. But you pushed him out the way.... and it just doesn't make sense to me. You hate us so why help him?" he asked.

Before I answered his question, I wanted him to answer the one that was annoying me. "You really don't see anything but the cruel killer you once knew years ago when you look at me, do you?"

Barnes straightened up so he was taller than me, "Every time I see you y/n, I see the mask being pressed onto my face. I taste the metal of the mouth guard and I hear you give the command for the wipe to begin."

I gulped quietly as I met his eyes. The ghosts that swam in them hit me hard and I realised for the first time that a lot of his anger towards me stemmed from his pain. Pain that I had helped cause. I had never seen him as vulnerable as he was being now and it made me feel undeniably uncomfortable. Then, like it always does when Barnes is near me, my sister's laugh echoed in my ears and her smile danced through my imagination. I was yet again painfully reminded that the man in front of me killed her. He took her smile and her laugh away from me. She was 17, not even an adult yet.... she deserved better.

I realised that my cheeks were wet because a few tears had fallen while I zoned out and thought about her. Barnes was watching me intently as I raised my right hand and roughly wiped the tears away.

"I don't know what you want me to say Barnes. We've both done horrific things to each other and we're both very good at hating each other for it so why the sudden soul searching?" I said trying to deflect from the immense guilt his words had made me feel.

"Just trying to understand you Peters. The minds of psychopaths intrigue me." he replied, losing the emotion in his voice and returning to his taunting of me. I could tell he was disappointed by my reaction. Maybe he thought I'd spill all my secrets to him but I'd used the cop out of 'we're just as bad as each other'.