Personal Justice

Surgery

a/n: hey guys! hope you enjoy this chapter, and thank you for all the reads and comments that have been happening lately, it really makes my day when I get a notification saying someone commented! 

Emily's POV:

After y/n was out of my sight I started to cry uncontrollable tears; almost as if all the pain and processing of what happened was revealing itself finally. I was able to contain myself a little bit though until I got back to her room, then I broke down into a full on panic attack. It felt like I was dying. With every breath I took, my lungs only felt emptier, with every grounding thought I attempted, the fear for y/n grew stronger. About 10 minutes later, I finally started to regain a little control of my emotions and ground myself slightly. "100, 97, 94..." I kept counting down by threes until I got my way to zero, then I started saying all the Disney quotes in French I knew; I know that's weird but y/n is a huge Disney fan, and loves me speaking French, and doing this always calmed her down. After a few more minutes, I was finally calm enough to realize that Leo wasn't there. I couldn't focus on that though, I promised the team, mostly Garcia, that I'd update them on everything that happened with y

; so unfortunately, it was time to make that call.

I called Hotch first, knowing he is the most likely to get through to Leo. Then, after about three rings, he finally answered, "Hotchner."

"Hey Hotch, it's Emily." I replied, trying to hide my sorrow.

"Emily what's wrong?" Hotch asked with serious concern in his voice. I just took a deep breath with a noticeable exhale and he quickly responded, "That bad huh?"

"What?" I asked with curiosity as my mind finally focused on something other than the possible fates of y/n.

"That's your tell, when something is really bad, you try to ground yourself before you have to say or do something you don't want to do." He responded with a little bit of pride in his voice.

"That sounds like a profile." I said quickly with a slight smirk on my face that he could definitely tell was there.

"It's just an observation. Now what's wrong; I mean, other than everything that has happened the last few weeks." He said in an attempt to lighten the mood while still getting to the root of the problem.

"It's y/n..." there was a pause as I tried to stay calm and gather my thoughts, "the bone in her leg got infected," I started to choke up a little bit but tried to hold it in, since the team had seen me cry more than enough the last few weeks, "they rolled her up to surgery, and if enough of the bone is infected, they'll have to amputate her leg." I held back a sob then took a deep breath and waited for about thirty seconds for Hotch to respond.

"I, um, wow. Okay, okay, I didn't expect this... she'll make it through Emily. She's strong, they won't have to amputate, I'm sure, and if they do, that's not the end of the world, we'll all... adjust. How are you all with this?" He asked in shock with worry in his voice.

"Um, not great," I laughed while holding in more tears, "I don't think y/n even processed most of what happened, she was just staring in my eyes the whole way up, and by the time I got back, Leo was gone, I still don't know where he is."

"Emily, I am so sorry, this is awful, I'm always here, for whatever any of you need, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here."

"There actually is something, I promised to keep the whole team in the loop, and I don't think I can say all this again without making a fool of myself. Is there any way you could update the team? I'll obviously call Garcia, but..." I said while looking up at the ceiling and wiping my face and trying not to cry.

"Of course, then I'll call Leo and see how he's doing. Has anyone talked to Tristan?"

"That's probably what he's doing, but I don't know, and I don't want to leave in case we get an update, Hotch I have to be here."

"I completely understand, you hang in there, okay?" Hotch said in a reassuring tone.

"Okay, I'll call you when I get an update." I said honestly while pulling the phone away from my ear and hanging up.

I sat down on the floor and just looked up and sobbed for a few minutes, trying to gather the courage to call Garcia. I don't know why I keep looking up, I mean biologically, we look up when we are confused or at a loss for words, but that's not what's happening here. It's like subconsciously I'm looking up at God. I've been weary on the whole God thing since I was a kid, but living in many European countries, Christianity and Catholicism were basically shoved down my throat. When I lived in Rome, I was convinced he wasn't real, but I still went to church, because that's what you do when you're there. But God has been in the back of my mind since this whole thing started. I was taught God was a kind and forgiving man, but a kind and forgiving man would never do this. I was also taught my lifestyle was unforgivable by God; being in a gay relationship, living a life filled with violence, taking a life, lying, doing anything I can to live a happy life and put the bad guys away. Maybe this was God punishing me? But can something I don't believe in punish me? Just because I don't believe in something doesn't make it fake. Do I even not believe in it? My thoughts were interrupted when Leo walked into the room with tears in his eyes and sat down next to me. Neither one of us said anything, there was nothing we could say that would make this any better, so we just sat there in silence until his phone rang. He answered it and started crying and said, "Hotch, how could this, how could this happen?" He let out a frustrated scream and went back to balling and I just engulfed him in a tight hug and heard some of what Hotch was saying trying to calm him down. After a few minutes, he let go of me and I excused myself to step out in the hall to call Penelope.

I took a deep breath then called her and she almost immediately answered, "Well if it isn't one half of our very own profiling lovebirds." I could hear her smile exuding through the phone, and it broke heart knowing that I was about to crush that feeling of joy.

"Pen..." I took in a shaky breath.

"Emily, what's wrong? And don't say nothing, or I'm fine because I know that is total bull crap." She said with a worry in her voice.

"It's y/n, her leg might get amputated." I said as fast and clear as I could through cries before they turned back into a full on sob.

"Oh my god, no, not y/n. No! I umm, what- what happened?" She said while crying but trying to focus.

"Her bone got infected, and depending on how bad it is, she may lose the leg." I sobbed.

"Oh my god, I, wow, Emily I am so sorry. I, not y/n, she has so much left to do, so much she needs two legs for. Do they even accept you back as a field agent if you're an amputee?"

"I don't, I don't think so Garcia. I don't know what to do right now, I'm just so-"

Suddenly I heard a scream and a big pounding coming from the room and I told Penelope, "Let me call you back." As I ran back into the room and hung up.

"Leo, what's wrong?" I asked as I noticed the huge hole in the wall and Leo on the ground in a ball rocking back and forth with his phone tucked in his lap with a call still going.

I kneeled down to his level and noticed he was too out of it to respond, so I just rubbed his shoulder and grabbed the phone and put it to my ear, "Mr. Y/L/N? I'm very sorry, he died honorably and he did so much good for the world."

I hung up and set the phone down as I hugged him and looked him directly in the eyes. "Scotty," he mumbled, "Why did it have to be Scotty?" he whispered as he silently sobbed and melted into my arms.

a/n: sorry about this guys (I'm really not haha) but I warned you all I write dark stuff. You should get another update in the next few days.