In love with your best friend huh?

Chapter 11

I guess this will be a little rant. I'm a girl who loves romance and romantic gestures in tv shoes and movies. I can say I want to experience all the things they do like go on romantic dates and cuddles and kiss etc... but when it really comes down to it... it kinda weirds me out. I have anxiety and I worry about little things I also judge a lot not on purpose but it happens. All I'm saying is I want to experience love and stuff like that but I feel like I never will because my anxiety holds me back. I judge myself all the time on little things like my acne and my body. Also it's the fact that I told my bestfriend I liked him. Who does that? A person I've known my entire life... if we do end up dating then what? I mean yes we will do what couples do and shit but like if we breakup then what... friendship of almost 17 years over. Like wth dude. I don't know if anyone can relate but it's so embarrassing and annoying. The little things he says makes me flustered and it's not fair. I don't like it at all. (Sorry this is all over the place) Anyways I don't think I ever mentioned it but he is aromatic and he told me when I told him I liked him. I told him it's ok and when I did confess I said i don't really want to act on these feelings because I love our friendship and what we have and wouldn't want to ruin it and he told me let's just try it out I mean if you ever want to back out it's ok just say the word and we can forget this ever happened whatever your comfortable with. When he said that it warmed my heart but also made me feel annoyed i don't know how to explain it. I love seeing other people in relationships and being all lovey with each other but when it comes to me and I have to be in a situation like that I hate it. I don't know if it's my nerves or not. Anyways I think that's also why he always asks if we are still doing that date thing. Still making sure I'm comfortable I guess which is nice.
Back to what I was saying I don't think I mentioned it ether but at the end of the whole me telling him I liked him:
Kat- I'm happy I told you. It's likes a weight is off my chest.

Alex- I'm happy you told me too.

Kat- I think your only happy because a girl likes you

Alex- maybe. But I'm happy that girl is you.

When he said that it felt like my heart was gonna explode. I don't know I mean once I told him everything changed he started to be way more nicer and he stopped making the comments about how we should date or anything related to that (that sounds weird... whatever) all I'm saying is he started to act different and is always asking me questions about me liking him or stuff related to it.
I don't know if I mentioned this ether (I have a horrible memory sorry if I'm just repeating shit) a couple months ago maybe May or June I was texting him about random stuff and also sitting next to my family at the table getting ready for dinner. My grandpa was talking about butterflies and how they migrate I think when Alex texted me on Instagram. The app just got its new updated with the chat being able to go into Vanish mode. He turned it on and typed "since it's in vanish mode I thought I'd let you know I love you". I sat there in shock while my grandpa was "yelling" at me to look up butterfly migration. I freaked out and looked it up without responding to him. He then texted in case you threw up I was joking. I still wonder if he was joking. Anyways I say anyways a lot sorry.
I know this is all over the place but like I said it's like my rant. I wish I could like read his mind and figure out what he thinks of me. I mean he's aromatic I don't think he has a crush on me or whatever. He loves me but that's the same love I have for him I mean he's my best friend after all we've always known each other.
Little back story. Up until maybe my 13th or 14th birthday we weren't that close. He used to bully me as children and was a asshole. I mean everyone blamed it on him liking me which is total crap and boys behavior shouldn't be justified with him having a crush on his target. Whatever that's besides the point and he was only like that until he was 13 himself. He was the worst in his last years of bullying me. He never hurt me and if he did I would do it back to him. He would always just tease me and push me around like bakugou to izuku just not that extreme (my hero academia reference). Anyway we got close the summer I turned 14 that's when we started to FaceTime and play on our switches together. It was fun we were just two best friends chilling until I started to like him. I don't remember or when but I do know it really hit the night of his moms wedding and when he grabbed my hand but y'all already know the story there. After that I just kept denying it and telling myself it's not real. I got over that and just excepted it and that's when all my friends were pushing me to tell him and shit. You guys all know what happens there... and now present day. At 2:55 am on Saturday august 14th 2021 I'm laying in bed typing away about how I feel and what's on my mind before I go to bed.
The point of all this is to just say I want love but I don't want it with him. I don't want to ruin anything we have. I mean yes I want to be able to kiss him and like have him hug me like he did last week because that felt really nice but I just think my anxiety and judgmental personality is gonna ruin it for me. I'm gonna try and relax and just let it all happen by it's self. We are going on a movie date when the my hero movie comes out in America. We talked about it Wednesday night on FaceTime. I also believe the movie will be out anywhere from September to December but I'm not sure. I'm also supposed to see him later today.
Anyways goodnight or good morning to you all. ❤️

I hope I didn't sound annoying to anything I was just letting out my feelings. I know not maybe people read my story or the new chapters anymore but for the ones that do I appreciate it. If you want to ask questions or leave any comments please do. Again thanks for reading and hope you all have a wonderful day ❤️