Hidden Memories - A Steve Rogers Lovestory

The historical dance

I can hear that the party has already started while I'm still in my room and finishing my outfit. I wear my hair open and it falls down my back in thick curls. I tucked the front strands back with star-shaped clips. My makeup is subtle so it doesn't distract from the dress and necklace I'm wearing. I can't really remember where I got this necklace from, but it still means a lot to me. It is a silver amulet that is decorated on the outside with a pattern that is filled with small diamonds. Inside there is no picture but a small music box that has not worked for years. When I'm done I'll go downstairs. You have to give Tony one thing. He's really quick to prepare. When we got home earlier there was no sign of a party. But about four hours later, he turned the entire ground floor into a kind of historic ballroom. I stop at the top of the stairs for a moment and get an overview. Alternately, my gaze jumps to the male members of the team and I am pleasantly surprised when I see almost all of them in suits. Only Bucky and Steve don't wear a suit, but a historical army uniform that looks incredibly good on both of them. When I got downstairs I went straight to the bar where I saw Nat and Wanda. "Amilia this dress is WOW! That was definitely the right choice. You look great," says Nat while she pushes me a drink over the counter. I take a sip and am excited to see that this is my favorite drink - vodka cranberry. "Thanks Nat. But have you looked at yourself and Wanda? The three of us should turn the heads of the men here today." "Yes Nat. Maybe this is your chance today. If you haven't noticed yet, Bruce can hardly take his eyes off you," says Wanda and nods inconspicuously in the direction in which Bruce is talking to Tony, but always hesitantly looks over at us. "Seriously Nat? You and Banner?" I am actually surprised. I had thought that Nat would be more into someone who is a little more like herself. But she actually blushes when she says, "There's a lot more to him than meets the eye. And intelligence is extremely sexy." I am just about to reply when someone taps me on the shoulder from behind. When I turn around, Bucky stands in front of me and bows in the old-fashioned manner. "Hey Amilia, may i ask for this dance?" I can feel Nat and Wanda staring at me, waiting. Why not? After all, this is a party, and Bucky certainly isn't the worst choice. "Um ... yeah sure." I take his outstretched hand and we go to the dance floor together. There other couples join us. I don't know most of the people. Just Tony and a woman who, on my first day, introduced herself as Pepper. As soon as the first notes of the music sound, I immediately know what kind of dance it is. At Caroline's home, in Mystic Falls, this dance has been danced for centuries in the Miss Mystic Falls election. I know the steps by heart and Bucky and I slide across the dance floor in perfect harmony. That dance ... Bucky ... it all feels strangely familiar. As soon as the dance is over, I feel dizzy and suddenly I find it difficult to breathe. I feel like a panic attack is building up inside of me. Bucky also seems kind of confused. Without saying a word, I leave Bucky and run outside. The dizziness is getting worse and my eyes are blurred. Instead of reality, I see flashes of light in front of me that build up into images. Pictures from a time that I thought I had buried so deep inside me that I actually completely forgot about them. But now the memory hits me like a force.

"Hey Trouble" Bucky calls you from afar. Trouble was his nickname for you because sooner or later you were always in trouble. "Ready for the Stark Expo?" You hook up with him and you go off laughing and talking. Bucky wants to introduce you to someone today, but you have no idea who. You've known Bucky all your life. You grew up together as neighbors and have always been like brother and sister. Even though you have biological siblings, the bond with him has always been stronger. You see pictures of yourself in all life situations. As small children in the playground, on your first day of school, how he comforted you when you were first heartbroken and how you gave him tips on how to end up with women. How sad you were the day he said goodbye to go to war. How I thought I was going to die when I was told that Bucky died in the war.

In the frenzy of memories I wandered aimlessly. I am now in a wooded area close to the headquarters. There I break down crying hysterically. I always knew somewhere that there was something in my past that was so painful that I consciously suppressed it many years ago. To make sure that these memories don't haunt me, I've even turned off my humanity in the meantime. Did that actually cause me to completely forget so much? But the memories of Bucky that came back tonight aren't so bad that they were worth banishing. Which leaves me wondering what I have intentionally forgotten. If that wasn't the bad thing, then what is it? I am overcome by despair, so intense that I cannot hold back the monster inside of me. And I don't want to either. I wander around aimlessly and at some point meet a group of campers. I know that I will regret it tomorrow, but right now I want nothing but the blood of the people who sleep so peacefully there. I want to come over them like a plague. I open the first tent and purposely wake people up inside. At the sight of me they panic and I let them escape the tent for now. The people in the other tent heard the screams and also came outside to see what was going on. Like the others, they run away in sheer panic when they see me. You poor fools. You can run as fast as your feet can carry you. But you will not escape me. I spend the rest of the night hunting down the people who got lost in the forest while fleeing from me. Four sad souls later, despair has given way to deep guilt. When I kill innocents, these souls haunt me from the moment I ended their lives. For the rest of my life, these four souls will be with me now. When morning comes I reach the headquarters again. It's early enough so that everyone else is still asleep. Unseen, I dash silently into my room. There I lock the door from the inside and try to take a deep breath. Hoping to calm down, I go to the bathroom to take a shower. There I look in the mirror and am shocked at the sight of me. Both my face and my dress are smeared with blood. "I can throw the dress away then," it shoots through my head. I undress and dispose of the dress in the trash can in my bathroom. The next time I leave my room, I have to dispose of the garbage bag before anyone else sees it. I just stand under the water for minutes. Seeing the blood stain the water only makes my guilt grow even stronger. But much to my frustration, I'm still upset after taking a shower. Even though it's damn early, I get out my cell phone and call Caroline. I need her now. She sure knows what to do. "I hope you have a good reason to ring me out of bed this early in the morning" she grumbles sleepily into the phone. Hearing her voice makes me collapse all over again. Instead of saying something, I just sob into the phone. "Hey honey what's going on?" she asks, suddenly sounding wide awake. I tell her everything that happened in the last few hours. From the party, the dance with Bucky, the flashbacks and the massacre that followed, how confused and guilty I feel. "What am I doing now, Caroline? I'm afraid of what's lurking inside me, just waiting to be pulled to the surface by some trigger" I'm still sobbing. After a moment of silence, she says, "Honey, maybe it's time to face this? Maybe you should talk to this Bucky about what happened tonight. It seems like you've been best friends in the past. Maybe it would be good to have a friend there?! The memories are back now and whether you like it or not, you'll have to deal with it somehow." "I don't think I can do that Caroline" I say and panic again a little. "I'm sure that there are even worse memories waiting for me. Something that is so bad that I would put my humanity off because of it. These memories are already painful, in their own way. I don't even want to know how much worse it can be. "I still think you should try it." I know deep down that she's right, but I'm so scared. "But I'm so scared Caroline." "I know Amilia. No matter how you decide or what you will do now, I will always be there for you" I know she will. Even in my darkest time, she was always there for me. She was the one who taught me how to adjust so much that you don't stand out from the crowd." We'll talk about trivial things for a while to distract me. It actually helps a little. "Thanks Caroline. I love you." I end the conversation and fall on my bed. Amazingly, I am actually exhausted. Not physically, but emotionally. I try to sleep but just can't get enough rest. Annoyed, I get up again and decide to go to the gym and burn off excess energy there. I put on the black yoga pants and the sports bra and quietly go downstairs.