Hidden Memories - A Steve Rogers Lovestory

Hey trouble

I've been in the gym for hours, deliberately pushing my limits. My knuckles are now cracked and blue, that's how hard I hit the punching bag. I had to replace the punching bag twice because I burst it. But as much as I overexert myself, the memories just won't go away. Just as I am taking a short break to tend the wounds on my hands, I hear someone come in. I turn around and see Bucky closing the door behind him. I pretend I didn't notice him. He comes up to me hesitantly. "Hey Amilia. Can we talk about last night?" I try to sound disinterested when I say "I don't know what to talk about." "Oh come on. You saw that too. I'm definitely not the only one who saw us. In Brooklyn in 1940. We were friends! You were like a little sister to me. You remember, don't you?" he says and I can hear the despair in his voice and see it in his eyes. "It doesn't matter Bucky" I say and turn away from him again and turn to the punching bag. "Of course it does matter!" screams Bucky, actually looking angry now. What is he actually allowing himself? Does he have any idea what these memories mean to me? "I don't want to remember Bucky!" I'm screaming now too. "You have no idea what that means to me when I remember." It takes a lot of strength not to burst into tears in anger and despair. "Please Amilia, talk to me. All of this confuses me. You should either be dead or very old. But you are not. On the contrary, you stand here in front of me and look exactly like when I last saw you the evening before I went to war. And I don't understand how that is possible," he says in a calmer tone. I stare at him for a few seconds. All the love, friendship and affection I felt for him back then is just as strong again. But I don't want any of that. If I allow everything to be the way it was, what will happen then? What else will I remember then? What destroyed me so much that I would rather die than remember it? What if I can no longer suppress it when I let him back into my life as a friend? All of these what ifs. And I have absolutely no idea what is right and what is wrong, what to do. "Please don't make me do it," I whisper to myself, loud enough for him to hear. I look him in the eye and my vision is blurred because of unconscious tears. Without another word, I turn around and want to go. If I stay here any longer, I won't be able to hold back the tears any longer. Just as I reach for the doorknob, he calls after me "hey Trouble ..... I'm there for you if you want to talk or just need someone." I pause at the sound of my nickname. My heart is getting heavy. Oh Bucky, if only I could. I don't know what to say. So I open the door and run back to my room. I am stopped by Tony on the way to my room. "Woah, don't be in a hurry. We'll meet in the conference room in fifteen minutes. We need to discuss today's mission." "Ok, I'll be there" I'm far too confused at the moment to say anything cheeky or to tell him that I don't feel like it. Who knows, maybe a mission is exactly what I need to get my mind under control.