Faded Embers

22

Atlas' POV:

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Sean asks me, putting on a turtle neck that covers up some of the bruises that I may have left there when we messed around last night.

It's been a month since we first started being more intimate, but neither of us has actually wanted to have sex yet because we're both kind of hesitant. We almost didn't last week, but Sean panicked so I stopped and we cuddled in the tub again.

"I'm sure, don't worry! Have fun with Calin!" I tell him, pecking his lips. "I'll probably run some errands."

Guilt eats me up as I bluntly lie, but I'm not ready to tell him the truth yet. However, I know that it's building up and I personally don't know how he'll react.

I need to tell Sean my decision.

It was a horribly difficult decision to make, but the opportunity is incredible and I can't pass it up. Being a professor is my favorite thing to do and it's my passion. Plus, it would be incredible to restart on the west coast and get away from the homophobia that was at NYU.

I could start off being upfront about my sexuality and be happy with the kind of person I am and I can be genuine in front of my students. No toxicity or stress about my life; just doing what I love to do.

However, I am also very quickly falling for Sean and I want to be with him, but long distance won't work out that well because I'm pretty sure he won't want to leave New York and I am moving with the intent to stay. I'm absolutely terrified of losing him because we connect so well, but I can't stay here and not do the job that I love.

I knock on the door to Miles and Calin's apartment, and Miles answers with a smile.

"Good morning, Atlas," he says, inviting me in. "I'm sure there's a reason why you sent my boyfriend and yours out to breakfast without us."

I nod, sitting down. "I took the job. In California."

Miles raises his eyebrows. "Oh?" He hands me a glass of water.

"I don't know how to tell Sean. I really like him, Miles, but long distance across the country?" I groan and lay my head on the table. "He won't want to leave here and I don't plan on only staying for a few years. It's a job I'd like to keep..."

"Atlas, take a deep breath and drink some water," Miles orders, his authoritative personality taking over and compelling me to listen. "You just need to tell him. It's not fair to put it off and let guilt eat you and then only tell Sean a month or so before you leave. How far are you from moving?"

"About three months, I'd say? I'm looking to move in in early August because school starts mid September. That should give me enough time."

Miles hums in agreement, looking at the picture that Calin took of the four of us at a movie night not too long ago. "You need to tell him, Atlas. I say this as a friend and as a concerned mentor of Sean. It's better earlier because if you pack up and leave without giving him time... I'm not sure how he'll cope. He'll feel abandoned and his coping mechanisms are pretty concerning."

"I know... but I worry that he's going to hate me."

"He'll understand." Miles pats my shoulder and sits beside me at the bar. "He'll be upset because he really cares about you and is falling for you, but this job is such a great opportunity and I think it's important that you take it. If it isn't right for you, you can come back."

I don't respond right away because I know for a fact that he's right and I need to face my fears, but I can't think about it right now. I'm falling in love with Sean and I want to bring him with me or stay with him somehow, but I can't encourage him to uproot his life for me. Especially since he's happy here.

"Miles... I can't..." I whine childishly. "I can't upset him and break him like that. I'll just call them and say I can't take the-"

Miles cuts me off. "You want the job, don't you?"

I nod.

"It's on the list of your dream jobs?"

Another nod from me.

"Then do it! Just make sure you talk it through with Sean so he understands and doesn't feel like it's a last minute announcement."

"But... Miles, I think I'm in love with him," I whisper, as if it's some big secret even though it's kind of obvious to everyone who sees how I look at my boyfriend. "I can't just leave and move on from him."

Miles sighs. "So communicate. Try long distance. Come up with a solution! You don't have to just tell him you're leaving and you need to break up, Atlas."

"Everything is so hard, Miles."

"Everything will work out the way it's meant to, Atlas. You're a smart guy and I know you and Sean are together a force to be reckoned with. You can do this," Miles says comfortingly, patting my shoulder kindly. "Just talk to my metaphorical son and don't leave him without explanation and no time to prepare."

I sigh. "What if he breaks up with me?"

"I've seen how he looks at you, Atlas. He wants it to work and you two are powerful. You can make it happen if it's what you both want."

"I want it," I say because the one thing I want more than this job is to make Sean happy but I cannot give up this opportunity.

If it doesn't work out, I'll come back, but I really think it's a fantastic opportunity. Miles is right a lot of the time, and he is right now. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to and I know Sean and I will be together in the end.

Miles smiles at me kindly. "It's going to be okay, Atlas. I know it will be."

There's rustling by the door and both Calin and Sean walk in, chattering about something that has to do with climate change and how Calin apparently wants to "eat the rich."

"You two are back early," Miles points out as Calin jumps in his arms and kisses him.

Sean leans into my side and I kiss the top of his head. "I tracked your phone and saw you were here. The wait at the restaurant was really long so we decided to come back here and see what you two are doing."

I look at Miles and he gives me a small nod. "Sean, we need to talk."

His eyes widen and I can see how nervous he is.

"It's nothing bad!" I promise him. "Like, I'm not breaking up with you."

Sean follows me out to the balcony and I hug him to my chest, not letting him go. He relaxes against me for the most part, but he's still tense enough that I can tell he's really worried.

"I got a job in California," I say softly, looking out onto the street where cars are driving. "As a professor. I think I'm going to take it."

He's quiet for a few seconds before he takes in a deep breath. "So... you're leaving?"

"Yeah... but I want to be with you. I'm falling in love with you, Sean."

Sean sniffs and I see him wipe his eyes. "I love you, too, Atlas," he says softly. "But... my life is here right now..."

"I know." I take in a shaky breath. "I still have a few months before I need to move."

"Are we going to do long distance? Or how will this work?" Sean asks me softly, his eyes teary as he looks up at me.

"We'll figure it out, Sean," I promise him, kissing his forehead. "Just... come home with me tonight, okay? We can enjoy the next few months and figure it out, alright?"

Sean doesn't respond past a small nod.