Loving You is a Losing Game | PJM

Ch. 44

Jimin turned around to take a last look at the place where she was now. His heart ached realizing the fact that he'd never be able to see her or tell her that how much he loves her.
His heart ached knowing that he was one of the major reason she was dead. He felt alone just like he felt in that nightmare, the air was thick, the world dull and unappealing.

Her mere existence that once he hated was what he needed right now, his world needed it to be brighten up. Her presence was a comfort and he realized it after she was gone for good.
He walked back to the car with tears rolling down his cheeks and drove to the one person who could understand what it was like to lose her, the only person who was equally in pain as he was. Others could feel sorry but they couldn't relate to his pain but Jungkook could.
Jimin lost someone he loved so did Jungkook.

He entered the place and saw everyone in the living room. On one corner of couch was sitting Jungkook staring blankly at nothing in particular. He had been quiet since the moment he saw her and nobody tried to make him say anything but let him be but they could see the grief rippling in his eyes.

Jimin walked towards him and sat down on the floor defeatedly in front of him placing his head in the younger's lap. Jungkook flinched for a moment and then went back to his unbothered phase. Everybody looked at them, both of them looked devastated. The environment was quiet until Jungkook's voice rang in the room. It was a mere whisper but all of them heard it.

"It's unfair. It's so unfair. Why things have to be this way?" He asked to nobody in particular. He just wanted to know why. Why couldn't everything be fine like he imagined it to be or at least something similar to that but no one had an answer. Even Jimin had this question in his mind. Why didn't she just leave him? She'd be alive and free from him and the marriage. Why she ended up giving in to her worst fear? Why their relationship had to end with her being dead? The train of thoughts was again interrupted by Jungkook.

"It hurts. It hurts to even think that she's not here anymore. It hurts to know that I'll wake up every day for God knows how many years and won't be able to listen to her voice or see her." His voice cracked and he let more tears escape but nothing could fill up the gap in his soul, the eternal feeling of emptiness.

"I'm scared to be alone." Jimin said this time, his head still in Jungkook's lap.

"She was scared to be alone too. What do you think she'd be feeling? There's nobody there for her. She's on her own in that place. She's alone." Jungkook replied. He didn't want to accept the reality and that's what others feared. He was grieving but not acknowledging the fact that she wasn't alive anymore.

"She's not alive Jungkook. None of you want acknowledge it. I know it's hard for you but you___." The eldest started softly but Jungkook turned his head towards him and spoke raising his voice a little.

"You all want me to talk to you when you think and talk like this. What do you want me to acknowledge? That she's dead or the fact that he's the___." He stopped and looked at Jimin who was staring into the space without any expression on his face.

"I loved her." Jimin said

"You don't push someone you love to the point till they end up in grave." Jungkook chuckled bitterly. He looked him in the eyes and deadpanned.
"How do you sleep knowing someone died__" The elders interrupted before he could complete the sentence.

"Don't say it." Hoseok warned him.

"No, let him say it." Jimin lifted his head and said.

Hearing him say this, a memory came rushing to Jungkook.

"Jungkook stop. Let him say it.". Hannah intervened grasping Jungkook's hand and pulling him away from Jimin.

Jimin was doing the same mistake that Hannah did. He was letting Jungkook hurt him with his words.
"What if he ends up like her?Do I hate him that much to send him to an early grave? There wouldn't be any difference between him and me if do this."Jungkook asked himself.

He wondered that she might be alive if he had stopped Jimin that day from saying all that, that would have changed so many things in the near future. The thought stopped him from accusing Jimin of murdering her. He wanted to say it but his conscience didn't let him. So he let his heart speak for him.

"She'd be alive if I had dragged you out before you said those things to her. She'd be__ she'd breathing, talking even smiling seeing something cute. She'd be alive. She is not___" he sobbed covering his face with his hands

"I'm sorry."

"Your sorry can't bring her back. Can you? Can you bring her back?" He wasn't taunting him, he was pleading but there was nothing anybody could do.

Not knowing what else to do, he let his eyes unburdened themselves. Jimin turned his head when someone called his name.

"Jimin" Jin said.

"Jimin." Jin said again and he shot opened his eyes. His breathing was heavy and heart was racing like he had ran hundred miles, he could hear it thumping in his ear.

"Hyung__ hyung, Hannah." He gasped for air, grabbing the elders arm who pulled him into a hug.

"Hannah__ I saw her__she was__ I kil__ no, no, no__. Please tell me it's a dream. Please tell me she's here. She's fine. Please I don't__ I can't bear it hyung. She's___"

"Sshh. It's okay. It was just a bad dream. It was just a bad dream Jimin. It's alright." The elder coaxed rubbing his back slowly until he felt his sobbing and trembling figure drifting back to sleep. He looked at him sympathetically caressing his hair. It was becoming a usual thing since the day Hannah left.

A usual for past 6 months.

A week after she disappeared, police called him to identify a dead body they found. They suspected it might be her but weren't sure because it wasn't in recognizable condition.
Anybody could see the sheer horror in his eyes when he left the dorm, meekly mumbling something along the lines "I know it's not her. She can't die."
And then everybody saw him dropping on his knees, his elbows on ground as he bowed in relief and cried in the morgue thanking God again and again that it wasn't her.

But the nightmare still didn't leave him. He'd wake up every night crying and screaming. He'd panic every time some unknown number would call him, thinking it was to inform him about some bad news.

Was life willing to give him another chance? Was he himself willing to do it?