The Thing That Makes A Human

2nd day after the incident

Word count: 1831
TW: death, addictions, slight torture
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                        Dazai's POV
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                         Dreaming

I was sitting in a fully white room. I couldn't move an inch of my body even tho I wasn't tied up or anything. I just felt fully numb.

"Dazai!" I heard the familiar voices.
"Odasaku! Chuuya!" I wanted to shout but as I said not even an inch of my body could move.

"Help! Help!"

Now I saw them. Both of them on the ground, screaming in pain.

I saw both of the days in front of myself.

/Chuuya's death scene\

"Dazai... You ass, couldn't you be faster?"
"Chuuya! Thank God! You are still alive!"
"Dazai! I... I'm sorry."
"Why did you do it! You knew I won't have enough time! Why did you-!"
"Dazai! I didn't have a choice. I just wanted to see you one last time."
"No! I don't want to let you! We can still get to the hospital!"
"There is simply not enough time Dazai"
"See you later partner."

/Oda's death scene\

"Odasaku!"
"Dazai... There's something I need to say to you."
"No! Don't! You might still make it. No. You will make it. So don't talk as if-!"
"Listen. You told me that you might find a reason to live. If you lived in a world of violence and bloodshed. You won't find it. Nothing in this world can fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity."
"Odasaku... What should I do?"
"Neither good or evil means much to you, I know. Become a good man. Save the weak and protect the orphans. That's at least a little more beautiful."
"How do you know that for sure?"
"Of course I know... I know you better than anyone. Because I am your friend."

"Stop it! Stop this Hell! Please make it stop!" I could finally move, but it was like as if I was in another memory.

My surrondings, my clothes, the physical pain I'm feeling. This is one of my trainings from the time I was 16 years old. In fact, this was the punisment for...

"You deserve it! You weren't good enough today! You are useless!" I hear Mori's voice.

"Please... Make it stop... It hurts..." I say, choking back my tears. If I would cry I would just get more.

"You aren't good enough! You will never be good enough if you don't train harder! Now get out of my sight!"

                   End of the dream

I woke up with tears in my eyes, on the dining table where I passed out, still dizzy from alcohol.

I look up at the clock on the wall. 'It's 4 in the fucking morning. Looks like I should have drank more.'

My eyes wander around the stuff on the table, and a little, unopened box catches them. The cigarettes I bought. I still remember how worried I was every time Chuuya would start to smoke one away. Worried for his health. His lungs. For him.

I always thought that the cigarettes and alcohol will be the one to take his life. Looks like this one time I wasn't right. Why does God play such a ruthless game on me? Why do I need to suffer?

I pick up the box, and start looking for a lighter. I find like 3, thrown into the back of a drawer. 'Where did I even get these?'

I have never thought I would smoke, yet here I am on the balcony of my apartment, smoking 4 hours before I need to work.

'Odasaku would be so disappointed. I couldn't even save Chuuya. Who sould have I saved if not him?'

I always thought that I would have a better life at the Agency, but I am here, bathing in self hatred, depression, and God knows what more.