The Thing That Makes A Human

4th day after the incident

Word count: 1351
TW: suicide attempt, drug use
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                        Dazai's POV
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The clock just hitted midnight. Yesterday, I have drank at least 5 mugs of coffee. I don't want to sleep.

'If I can't controll what I dream of, I'll controll what I think of.' that was the plan. Turns out, what you think of depends on your mood.

I have thought about the missions I had back in the Maffia, the hurtfull things I have said or done to others, and yeah... Their deaths.

Every part of my body wanted sleep but I insisted to stay awake.

'This is still better than the nightmares.'

                       3 hours later

'Well,' I thought to myself as I walked to the balcony, with the first coffee of the day, and a cigarette. 'if I need to think about sad memories, I will be the one choosing them.' and so I did.

            Flashback to 7 years ago

"Hey, Chuuya~!" I said as I entered the shared office. It was Sunday and I bought some things to tease him.

"Puppy! Your owner bought you some things. Come out now!" but he wasn't in the office.

'He smoked again.' I thought with a frown.

'What's on his table?'

I walked over and saw a blue notebook with a label.

'Diary
Property of Nakahara Chuuya'

"Oooo~. What is Chuuya writting in such a pretty notebook?" I said with a devilish smile as I opened it.

It may, or may not, have been a good idea. 'What is this? I thought he will write about how much he hates me. What is this?'

Page 1
Today, I have left the Sheep. Looks like they have never trusted me. That suicidal kid got me a new job at the Maffia tho. I still don't know if I can trust him, but I'm greatfull.

Page 2
I hate this God, or whatever, living inside me. It feels like he want's to break out of the cage of my ribs and eat everyone he can find. This is the second week I haven't felt like a human. When will that feeling come back?

"Chuuya...?"

Page 67
This Dazai kid is fucking annoying. Why does he always have to win in that stupid game? But I have to admit that he is a good entertainment. It's better to be his partner than I thought.

Page 71
I'm starting to trust the brunette. Today was pretty decent, along with the mission. But why did Dazai jump in front of me, when that man tried to shoot me? He knows I could have defended myself. Was it his reflexes? Either way, it's luck that he had a bulletproof vest. He could have died.

Page 89
Today, I have used Corruption for the first time. It's a good thing after all if there is a person you can trust. He really did risk his life in order to turn my ability off.

Page 92
I'm starting to feel more human-like when around that mackerel. He really is a good friend. Just wouldn't he be so fucking annoying with the dog-jokes.

After this, the door opened behind me.

"Hey, shitty Dazai! I brought- are you reading my-?!" but he was cut off. Not by words. But a tight hug.

"Dazai! What are you doing?!"
"I'm sorry. For everything. Please forgive me. You are a good human. You don't deserve such shitty friend like me." I said, with truth in my voice, but still not crying.