Dice [h.s.]

44

a/n: If you wanna be sad while reading, listen to Two of Us by Louis Tomlinson^^

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"We don't even ask for happiness, just a little less pain." -Charles Bukowski

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Time is the devil. You think that all you have is time when, in reality, you don't. You think that the good times will last forever and the love you have for someone will last a lifetime. But it's a lie. Everything has to end.

I always thought that a mothers love would last for an eternity. I was wrong. A mothers love runs out once they've found something or someone else to love more. The love you have is ripped apart without you even realizing, and by the time you've noticed they've already moved on and found a new love.

My mother's love is gone. Her willingness to love me, her daughter, has expired. She's moved on to loving Leonardo and his stupid business. She chose to leave me in the dust, along with my father.

My body felt like a pile of bricks as I walked down a narrow concrete pathway. I glanced around my surroundings, wiping my tears while I passed various tombstones. I've seen these same names over a hundred times.

I shoved my hands in the back pocket of my jeans while staring down at the ground. I needed to talk to someone who would understand my pain. The only person who would listen. My father.

I left Alea after an hour of crying in silence. Harry had left me alone, as did everyone else. I hated it, being alone. I wanted somebody, anybody to hold me. But I wasn't angry at them, I understand that wasn't in any of their criteria. I mostly wanted my mom even if she was the reason for my pain.

Harry gave me the keys to one of the casino's cars. I told him I was going to my apartment but made a quick U-turn once I was out of sight from the casino. I didn't want anyone to know I was here. It wasn't because I was ashamed, I just wanted to do this alone.

I turned down a row of graves, feeling bad but doing it anyway for stepping on them. The sun was setting, leaving the lanterns dangling off of the trees to create a light source.

I turned down another concrete pathway just to stop a few rows down. I walked slightly down the row until I reached it, my fathers tombstone. I felt my tears slowly falling from the corners of my eyes.

I squeezed my eyes shut while standing above my father. This hurts, knowing what I know. That last time I was here, I didn't know about any of this. My father was an angel, not a rapist. My father was a healer, not a life taker. But it didn't matter because I still love him.

Stupid, I know

I slowly opened my eyes and bowed my head down to look at the gravestone.

Jack Monroe

April 4, 1974 - May 20, 2020

Father, Husband, Friend

Rest in Peace

I bit down on my lip while sitting myself down on the cold grass. I sat face to face with my fathers tombstone. I reached out and ran my fingers across his name, watching my shaky hand graze against the hard stone.

"Hey dad." I whispered through my tears as I pulled back my hand. I wrapped my arms around my stomach.

"Have you been watching me? I know what you'd say. Kennedy, your being stupid. Stop crying, crying for the weak... Well dad, I'm crying because of you, so." I sniffled while staring down at the dirt in front of me.