Impossible

Part 13

Song is light behind your eyes by mcr, enjoy!

'Hey, you want anything from the vending machine?'

'Uh, sure. I'll have a lion bar, thanks' Phil croaked, smiling at me

'Welcome' I smiled back and exited the room, making my way to the canteen which usually smelled like rotten veg but occasionally on a Friday was filled with the smell of chips which Phil and I liked to endorse in when I had the cash.

As i popped a 45p into the machine and retrieved Phil's lion bar, I couldn't help but think about the events that had occured only a few weeks ago. Phil told me it was the meds he was on and that he didn't really want to die and I guess I believed him.

He wouldn't lie about things like that.

Walking back down the corridor, I breathed heavily, enjoying the freedom of air that didnt smell like arse and thought more. I seemed to be doing a lot of thinking lately which Phil would probably say was a change from the usual.

Mostly, I thought about my feelings, how I felt about Phil's cancer and what I was going to do if he didn't get better and just about Phil in general. I could hardly contain my feelings for him but I wouldnt have to for much longer, I was going to tell him how i felt.

'Phi-' I began, pushing open the doors but gasped and dropped the lion bar straight onto the floor as I caught sight of Phil clutching his forhead and crying.

'Phil, fuck whats wrong?!'

'Shhhh' he shushed me, holding up a shaking hand and silencing me for a second.

'I'm going to get a doctor, hold on a minute!'

'No!' he called out, grabbing my wrist with a suprsingly firm grip 'I might not have a minute'

I choked on a breath of air and wriggled my wrist from his hand

'What do you mean, let me get help!'

'N-no, please just stay here and talk to me. I know what's happening Dan, the doctor warned me, I know the signs. There's nothing you can do'

Shocked into wordlesness, I sat in the hard plastic chair, trying my best not to cry. Phil lay down and looked up at me with tear stained eyes.

'So' he started before wincing 'Did you get my lion bar Howell?'

I chuckled and bent over, picking up the bar.

'Sure did Lester but I dont think now is the best time to be eating it.'

'No probably not'

We sat in silence for a minute and I tried to ignore the fact that Phil's breaths had become gasps and the hisses of pain were becoming increasingly frequent.

'D-dan?' he choked

'What is it?'

'I have your m-muse shirt on under my hospital gown' he replied, smiling up at me through the tears and shallow breathing.

I smiled sweetly and gave up on trying to hold back the tears, letting them run freely down my cheeks.

'Do you remeber the autobiography you started?' I asked, smiling fondly at the memory.

I gained no response and looked over at the boy in panic, shaking his arm lightly.

His eyes fluttered and his cracked lips stretched into another smile.

'Y-yeah...I o-only w-wrote one c-c-chapter'

'I could finish it for you, if you like' I offered, grabbing Phil's hand, not feeling the need to ask permission

'Y-yes please' Phil said, squeezing my hand with only a small amount of pressure.

'D-dan I g-got tell you something-g' Phil croaked suddenly, his voice closely resembling that of a 70 year old man who had smoked all his life.

'Sure, go ahead' I replied, hoping to sound confident but isntead squeaked like a little girl, tears overcoming me

'I l-like you-ou alot an...and I w-was hoping t-to be able to d-do this in a b-b-better sit-tuation but oh w-well'

The bed shifted and Phil leaned forward, pecking my lips with his chapped ones before falling back onto the sheets in defeat.

I flsuhed red because although that was one of the worst kisses I had ever been given, it was also the very best in so many ways.

'I like you too' I laughed between my pained sobs, rubbing Phil's hand

'W-will y-you be m-my boy-yfriend? I g-give you p-permission to d-date somebody else u-until we m-meet again.

'I dont want anybody else Phil, I have y-you' i cried out, rubbing my eyes furiously

'P-please?'

I looked down at Phil and rubbed his cheek with my free hand

'Of course i'll be your boyfriend silly'

Another gasp erupted from Phil's mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut tight, willing this to be some kind of sick dream.

'H-hey bear, I need y-you to look after y-yourself okay? You dont need to join me for a long time'

I nodded 'Okay augustus'

he chuckled raspily 'O-one more thing Hazel....M-make s-sure i'm w-wearing this sh-shirt at m-my funeral'

'Sure thing lion' 

Phil smiled weakly and closed his sodden eyes, breaths almost none exsistant.

'Goodbye Daniel James Howell' he whispered, words only just audible but suprisingly clear.

'Its not goodbye Phil, i-its just a see you later' I spluttered between cries

'Not this time Dan' Phil croaked, smiling yet again, his lips parting slightly.

and that's how they stayed as the last breath of air was drawn and released, every hope and dream lost into the atmosphere, never to see the light of day.