The Mistake Of Trusting

Letters

I let myself wither away like the trees in this October weather. I stay in bed and only get up to go to school, and I haven't touched Jenna's room since 'the notebook incident'. Honestly, it's because I feel guilty. I shouldn't have looked through it, but curiously devoured my young mind.
Aside from that, Halloween is in exactly a week. Luckily, on a Friday. My one and only friend, Matthew, invited me over to his house for Halloween. Without really thinking, I told him I would. I really don't want to go, but it's too late to decline. There is something I really like about him; he doesn't really know anything about my mom or Jenna. I'm not planning on telling him either. He's my only friend and I don't want to ruin that. I want to say that I trust Matthew, but these days, I'm not sure if I trust anyone.
In other words, I haven't spoken to my dad in quite sometime. A large part of me says that I hate him, but the remaining part wants me to fix him. Being fourteen, I can't help him, but oh, do I want to. Being fourteen, I can't drive. Being fourteen, I can't fully decide what I want in life. Being fourteen, I can't get out of this town. Trust me when I say I'm leaving this God awful place the moment I turn eighteen. Suddenly, my cheap cell-phone rang, making me snap out of my thoughts.
"Hello." I quietly answered.
"Jay!" Matthew greeted. "I didn't see you at school today."
I sighed. "That's because I didn't go."
"Why?" He asked over the sound of a baby's crying in the background.
"I wasn't feeling it." I simply answered.
"Oh," he coughed. "Are you okay?"
I pulled my bed covers over my crossed legs.
"Uhm, yea. I'm fine."
"Okay, just checking." It's quite obvious that he doesn't believe me, but that's okay with me. There was then a brief moment of strange silence.
"I- I don't know y-you had a baby." I casually said. He started laughing. "Oh, I mean-" I mentally kicked myself.
"It's okay! Chill, I know what you meant! Yea... It's my niece. But sometimes I feel like its mine." I half smiled at this and sighed in relief.
"I heard crying, that's why..." I trailed off.
"Hey! I gotta go make dinner, but I was just calling to see if you're holding up alright." Matthew said, causing me to tense up.
"Uh, yea, thanks for that. Bye." I quickly spoke before hanging up. Wow, is it all pass 5 o'clock?
I check my phone to see. Oh, I guess it is. I laid down in my bed and looked up at my ceiling and my ceiling only. I shouldn't be dwelling on what I can't change, but I'm human and my emotions are selfish so I hold onto the darkness that is already gone. I feel like I'm living in the same day, like I'm stuck in it. I can't forgive my mom and I can't forget my sister, so what am I to do? I don't want to move on. I don't want to go outside, or eat, or talk, or go to school, or live, yet I want to create.
I forced myself out of bed and made my way through my dim room, to a box in my closet. Feeling around in this old, cardboard box, I searched for a notebook or a journal. After finding the smallest one, I grabbed the nearest pencil, turned on a lamp, and crawled back into bed. I chewed on my eraser as I thought about what to write. Jenna technically wrote to me, so I should write to her. I will fill her room with letters from me, and when I run out of floor space, I will say goodbye to her room for the last time and lock the door forever. So I wrote.
--
Jenna,
I've been praying lately, and if there is a heaven, I'm sure you know. Aside from that, I'm only going to ask my selfish questions once, then I won't bring it up again.
1) why did you give me a short 'goodbye'?
2) why did you do it?
3) do you know where mom is?
4) would you be 22 or 23 this
Year?
5) do you miss me?
6) what's up with dad?
7) is it true your middle
Name is Luna?
8) why did mom and dad give us shitty names?
Okay that's it. I miss you a whole lot.
- Jay
-
When I was done, I ripped the paper out and folded it in half.
I'm counting down the days until I'm out of here.

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[A/N]
Hiya! ^~^
If you don't mind, can you leave a comment telling me whether you like this or naw? It would mean a lot.
Thank you cuties :)
I'll update before Friday. (March 20)

I love you all <3
(Unless you're a racist, homophobe, serial killer, or pedophile. Whoops)