not all broken hearts bleed the same

sleeping means youre unresponsive but not dead.

Do you ever just close your eyes, and pretend you don't exist? Fall asleep just so you don't feel anything? You're alive, but you're unresponsive; You're alive but you can't feel a goddamn thing in your body. Nothing and nobody can hurt you. You're free. Living in your own imagination. Or perhaps you're not alone. Maybe you have dreams about drowning, and you wake up dramatically trying to catch your breath. Maybe those nightmares don't leave us alone. Maybe it doesn't matter if we're asleep or awake. Maybe those nightmares keep following us. What if we don't want to feel a single thing flow through our veins? We sleep because we're not dead, because we're too scared to pull the trigger. We're scared to jump off that high rise building and traumatize a crowd of people. We're scared to ingest a bottle of pills because mom or dad might find us. We're scared to jump off that chair, and let the rope take out the life from us because our cold body would hang there, breathless. We don't want to carve our skin till we bleed out, because maybe we don't feel a single thing at all, and we might actually go a little deeper the next time. We can feel our hearts sink a little deeper everyday, because what's stopping it from drowning in pity? We have this raging feeling in our bodies that compels us to do something wrong; Make a bad decision, and do something we'd regret. Those dangerous thoughts fill our head, and we feel like we've become the monster we've been trying to run from all these years. It hurts us deeply knowing that we're slowly becoming what we promised ourselves we'd never become. Slowly but surely, we start to lose ourselves, including everyone around us. We fade away from our hopeless bodies, and we start to feel numb inside. Our souls rot with the thought of being alone, because who could honestly handle the silence and pain? Everyone needs someone in their lives to count on. Everyone we love is a part of us, so the minute we fade away, so does everyone else. It feels like no one and nothing matters anymore.