not all broken hearts bleed the same

why am i still here? and why can't i pull the trigger?

Sometimes I wonder what's keeping us alive. What could possibly be holding us back from pulling the trigger? We feel like we're drowning and there are only tide waves coming at us at full speed. Our head goes in and out of the water. Just when we think we're dying, and that might've been our last breath, life pulls us back up one last time just for us to suffer. The moment our lungs fill with water and we think it's all over, we get pulled back up. Is this somehow life's way of saying "I'm not done with you yet". Or even a clueless innocent deer roaming the highway, minding its own business. Just when you think you're doing great and nothing could bring you down, that semi-truck going 100 miles per hour hits you like it's the last thing you'd ever feel. Why can't we feel anything? Why can't we feel that desperate touch of hope we've longed for; for what feels like forever. And our eyes are like waterfalls at night. We bury our hopeless faces in our favorite pillow because it's the only way mom and dad won't hear us. Our tears stain our pretty faces with streaks. We cry; harder than rainstorms. Harder than lighting which feels like it's striking us where it hurts the most. We're too scared to pull the trigger because we have everything to lose. We feel like we have nothing, yet we have everything. What more could we possibly want? To be different? Friends? To be loved? To have a loving family? Our family says they love us, and our friends say they care. Maybe they do or maybe they don't. Perhaps we've been swimming and drowning in all these lies, struggling to breathe. Nobody truly stays forever, it's rare if they do. People are so quick to trust anyone, that's the problem nowadays. You don't know who to trust. We feel like we're talking to a wall. Does anyone even listen to our problems and how we feel? We stay up all night crying our eyes out, and overthinking till it's 4 in the morning. We would rather sleep all day because we're not awake, but we're not dead either. We sleep during the day to avoid people but stay up all night when the cities asleep, and only the wind and rain are what we hear. We avoid our problems by shutting our eyes and letting every feeling in our body fade away till we feel like there's nothing left. We silence our pain because it'd kill for someone to find out. You'd never think a perfect smile could be so damaged on the inside. We're judged like a book based on our covers. People create this summary of us as if it's the overview in our book. Or maybe that's because we don't even know who we are. We question so many things that maybe don't even matter. We have all the anxiety in the world, and all the time to overthink. They don't mix well, and the outcome isn't perfect. Why can't we be perfect? Why do we have this image of perfect? Maybe if we took less time to cry and overthink, and more time to find ourselves, we'd be okay. We'd learn to accept to love our bodies and every little detail about ourselves. We'd learn that no one and nothing is perfect except for the positivity that could maybe, just maybe flow through our veins. You'd start a skincare routine, and you'd slowly start to fall in love with the way you look. Why haven't we taken the time to try something different? Try to be better for yourself, and start by doing little things. Or maybe we've already fallen in love with the way that blade carves into our skin. We'd admire grazing our fingertips on every scar we'd made on our body. Maybe we're already damaged and the pieces are too small to even try to put back together because they're shattered. It's possible to put them back together, we just choose not to. We're in too deep and can't crawl out of that black hole we got sucked into. We have very little motivation. Maybe we're desperately waiting for that one person to reach out their hand to pull us out from that hole. Or maybe we're just trying to understand how this works. Why we feel what we feel. We step out on the ice for the first time and have no idea how to get around. We don't know how to skate, how to shoot, or how the rules work. We're just standing there, aimlessly attempting to learn. You'd fall, but you'd pick yourself back up again. You'd miss the net, but you'd take another shot until you made it. So maybe we want to take the time to understand it a little better. If we put in the time and effort to get better, it'll be okay. If we just sit around hoping that one person can save us, they might never show up. We can't sit around hoping for change if we don't do anything about it. Only you can make that change. So, what are you waiting for? What's preventing you from being better? Go ahead and do this for yourself. Your life is depending on it.