The Cuckoo's Cage

Chapter Two

Anna avoided Ernst's gaze as they drove to the barracks. She hadn't been back since the day they had left. She hadn't eaten that morning and yet she still felt sick. She didn't want to be reminded of him. She couldn't bare it. Ernst said nothing, just watched her with fascination. As they pulled into the barracks, Anna felt rooted to her seat. She didn't want to get out. She didn't want to see anyone. She didn't want their mocking directed at her. Freddie came around and opened the door for her, holding his hand out to her as Ernst got out the other side.

"Anna," Freddie prompted gently. She looked up at him, her mouth turned down at the corners. She seemed to plead with him, as if to beg him to stop this. But he couldn't. Neither of them could. Finally, she took it and he gripped her tightly. She almost tucked herself under his arm, something that Ernst noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked her. She didn't reply. She didn't know what she'd say. "Are you worried they'll laugh because you didn't leave with him?"

"A little," she admitted, her voice ragged.

"I didn't think you cared about others' opinions of you?" he said.

"I don't," she retorted, "but it's a lot all in one go." He came to stand in front of her, proffering his arm.

"Let's give them something more interesting to stare at." he said. It seemed like a vile idea to her. She didn't want to touch him. Not after his behaviour last night with Ilse. But what choice did she have? Reluctantly, she left the safety of Freddie's embrace. She tucked her arm into his, and the three of them began their walk across the courtyard. Anna tried to tap into how she had felt when she challenged Ilse the day before. She needed to appear strong. She held her head up, trying to seem aloof and uncaring. She saw Hilde as they neared the barracks. It stung in her heart to see that familiar face. It stung even more to see pity in her eyes.

"Hello Hilde," she tried to say warmly, as if nothing was wrong.

"Hello Anna," she replied. "Herr Commandant."

"A friend of yours?" Ernst asked.

"Hilde and I shared a room," Anna said with a simple smile, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.

"How lovely," he said, nodding to her as they all stepped inside. "See? Not difficult at all," Ernst encouraged, when they were out of ear shot. Anna smiled at him, that same awful forced smile she painted on when she was truly desperate. He opened the office, following her inside.

The smell hit Anna immediately. It was a mixture of smoke, cognac, paper and ink. The very thing that had always been so welcoming now slapped her square in the face. It was him. It was all him. She'd never realised it before, always associating it with the place she'd felt safest. Yet now there was no doubt that it was only him that had given her that warm wash of security. She walked a little way into the room, the empty space breaking her in two.

"We'll return soon," said Ernst, making her look round. "You'll have your things by then?" He knew she would. It was a test, she could feel it. Or perhaps he knew all along where her heart lay, and he just wanted to punish her.

"Of course," she said sweetly, her eyes flicking to Freddie. He too seemed to feel the tug of the room. Perhaps that's why he lingered close to the door. The Commandant nodded, shutting the door behind him.

Anna stood still, unsure of how to react. She hated the barren shelves... particularly the bookcase. It seemed bizarre. It looked how it had when she had first arrived. Yet this time, there were no boxes awaiting her attention. No photographs ready to light up the drab, grey box she now found herself in. She walked through to the bedroom. All her things out by the bed where she had left them, the sheets still tousled where they had spent their last night together. She went and sat on his side of the bed, her breathing quick and uneven. Tentatively, she pulled his pillow to her nose. As she inhaled, everything bubbled to the surface, her anguish surging through her, and she finally choked out the tears she had been hiding all week. She had told herself that it was her own fault... that it was unfair to expect him to stay. But how could he leave someone he claimed to love? She clung to the pillow, squeezing it against her as if to hold herself together. She missed him so much. She had dealt with loss before, but this was so different. He had chosen to leave her. With her parents, she knew no amount of wishing would bring them back. Yet with him, she had to contend with the fact that he was still out there, choosing to abandon her. She couldn't see him. She couldn't talk to him. She'd never understand why he left... Why he had stopped loving her. It was exactly like her birth mother. She'd never thought she would ever feel that way again; like the lonely six-year-old left behind by a woman that despised her. Did he not know how much that had hurt her? Did he not care? She lay down on the bed, curling up into a ball. She wanted to go back a week. She wanted everything to be joyous again. But she knew she could never turn her back on Elli.