The Cuckoo's Cage

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Elli glanced up at her sister, her heart sinking again. Four days had passed since the Commandant's visit, and still Anna remained inconsolable. Elli could see how empty she was now. Anna tried her best to smile for her and remain as hopeful as she had before, but Elli could tell she was lying. She could hear Anna crying at night, her heart breaking each night anew. Elli really wanted to make her feel better, but she felt so guilty. She might only be ten years old, but the last few years had forced her to understand things from an adult perspective. She knew, deep down in her heart, that if Anna hadn't stayed for her, then she'd be happy somewhere with them, particularly Hans.

Elli wanted to know everything about him but dare not ask just yet. Anna talked openly of Karl, seemingly happy to reminisce with her sister about the boy she remembered. But she avoided Hans at all costs. She snuck peeks at Anna's photograph of him when Anna put it under their mattress. She tried her best to imagine what they might have been like together. All Elli remembered of him was that the guards at her camp had been afraid of him, and she liked him for that reason alone. She still remembered how soft his voice had been when he had spoken to her, how gentle he had been in comparison to every other soldier she had met.

Elli cleared her throat a little, Anna finally looking at her. She flashed a weak smile. It made Elli feel sick. She just wanted Anna to smile properly again.

"It's raining," Elli pointed out, Anna glancing up quickly.

"Yes," she said, but followed with nothing.

"Shall we go and sit in the doorway?" Elli asked. "We can watch it better then." Anna nodded, letting her sister lead her to sit by the open door whilst most of the other women caught up on sleep. Keller had wanted the day off, so he had just left them locked inside their small compound. He was doing this more and more, but it did also usually mean that he would come to find Anna at some point. Elli just wanted to make Anna happier until he came for her. They sat and watched the rain, Elli's hand clasped in Anna's. Elli could see tears well in Anna's eyes every so often, but she just blinked them away. "You can cry in front of me, you know," said Elli suddenly, surprising Anna.

"Don't be silly," she said as light heartedly as possible. "I'm fine."

"No," Elli said pointedly, "you aren't."

"It is what it is, sweet girl," mumbled Anna. Elli stared at her; her brow furrowed. She hated that Anna wouldn't just talk to her. It was infuriating.

"I remember him, you know," said Elli, Anna trying hard to hold her gaze without succumbing to tears. "He was nice to me and the other children. I've been thinking about him as much as I can." Anna couldn't even answer her, her face crumpled by despair. "What were the things you liked most about him?" Elli asked, Anna rubbing her eyes desperately.

"Elli..." she managed.

"I want you to talk about it with me," insisted Elli. "I'm your sister. All you ever tell me is that you were happy you chose me and not him. But there must have been things you liked about him in the first place."

"Elli, please would you give it a rest?" sighed Anna. She was on the brink.

"No," said Elli defiantly. "Mama always told you to let out your troubles. And you never do!"

"I'm not ready."

"But..."

"Elli, shut up!" snapped Anna, Elli taken aback. "You don't understand what you're asking of me! Nobody does! Why does everyone insist on pushing me?" A horrible silence fell between them. Anna's face was screwed up, her bottom lip trembling. Elli was afraid. Anna never shouted at her. Anna pulled her knees to her chest, breathing deeply to calm herself. It didn't seem to be working.