The Cuckoo's Cage

Chapter Twenty-One

Anna sat at the lakeside, enjoying the cold, biting air. She was wrapped in several layers, a thick blanket the last guard against the bitter final January day. She stared at the lake, wondering how thick the layer of ice was that lay on top. Could she walk on it? Or would she plummet below the surface. She looked down at the turned earth next to her. It had frozen solid again, encasing her daughter in an icy shell. She pulled her glove off one hand, then lay it on top. She stroked in little circles with her middle finger, the way she used to on Elli's back to get her to sleep. She didn't know why, but it made the tears falling from her eyes slightly less painful. She spent a lot of her time here now. Well, as much as Maria would allow her before she herded her back inside. She supposed that one upside to Maria leaving tomorrow would be that she could spend her time here, uninterrupted. She didn't want to focus on the fact that she was about to lose her... or the children for that matter. So much loss. It was a wonder how one person could take so much. But here she was, still pushing forward. At least, she was trying to. In this moment, she felt rooted to the earth; like she was never going to be free of this place. And if she was ever torn away, then she would wither and die.

Now she could hear footsteps crunching down the slope towards her. She turned and looked up, surprised to see Ilse's slight frame coming unsteadily towards her. She removed her hand from Reina, stuffing it back into her glove before she pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Ilse came and stood beside her, her eyes widening at the sight of the grave.

"Freddie made it for me," said Anna, her words throaty. "The night it all happened."

"Perhaps we could sit up on the stones?" proffered Ilse.

"I'm fine right here, thank you," replied Anna curtly, turning back towards the lake. Steadying herself with a deep breath, Ilse came and sat beside her. They sat in silence for a while, the smoke drifting over them. When Anna finished it, she simply lit another. Ilse watched her uneasily. Anna offered it to her, Ilse tentatively taking it and having a drag. She coughed and spluttered, passing it straight back. "Why take a drag if you don't smoke?" Anna asked.

"I was trying to be polite," said Ilse, her voice raspy.

"You were trying to appease me," corrected Anna. "And I only offered it to see if you would. I suspect that's why Mathias used to offer them to me after he fucked me." Ilse's face screwed up briefly, as if she were trying to unhear what Anna had said. Anna studied her; her face unreadable. "I'm surprised you didn't simply avoid me until you left."

"So am I," admitted Ilse. "But I felt that I needed to..." She trailed off.

"I was hoping that you would."

"Really?!"

"Yes." Anna turned to face Ilse, throwing her cigarette away so that she had her full attention. "I rehearsed what I would say to you in my head, over and over again. I wanted to say things that would cut you to your core, the way you did to me."

"What were you going to say?" asked Ilse, her voice shaking.

"I wanted to point out that after everything you've done, all the pain you've caused, your husband still chose me..." she paused. "But then I realised, that that in itself was a punishment for all of the awful things I have done." Ilse's brow furrowed.

"I don't understand."

"I have spent my time here trying to figure you out," said Anna. "And I'm still not sure I fully understand you. Tell me, when you told Ernst, did you know what he would do?" Ilse didn't answer. "Please Ilse," sighed Anna, "just be honest with me. I promise, I'll do you the same courtesy."

"I suspected he would do something like that," Ilse whispered.

"And did you do that just to win him back? Or was it to hurt me?"