The Cuckoo's Cage

Chapter Nineteen: Part One

As the Standartenführer's visit approached, Anna was struggling to hide just how pregnant she was. She had to be around six or perhaps even seven months now, and despite her bump still being relatively small, the other signs of heavy pregnancy were becoming prominent. She found it so much harder to move around, her back aching and her feet and ankles swollen. She was exhausted, the mental toil of her situation bearing down on her just as much as her physical strain. She couldn't stand Ernst at all, even in small doses. The more in love with her he was, the more she wanted to squirm. Thinking the child was his had made her warm to him a little, as if she couldn't help but gravitate towards the would-be father. But knowing it was Hans' made her mind wander to happier times. She tried to focus on what she would say to the Standartenführer.

On the day of his arrival, she didn't see him. She left Ernst to greet him alone, and then to show him around the barracks, knowing she would see him at the party. She took the time to write her letter to Hans. Even if she had to explain herself to the Standartenführer, she wanted her explanation to Hans to be her own. It was difficult as Freda was determined not to leave her side, all day. Ernst had permitted Freda to attend the party, and she was thoroughly excited. She wanted Anna to help her select her outfit with her, do her hair, even her makeup. Anna refused to permit the latter; Ernst would never agree to it. She sat Freda down at her dressing table, brushing through her hair before she styled it. Ilse would have been the better choice to help in this regard; Anna always wore her hair very simply, and Freda had definitely inherited her mother's need for glamour. Thankfully for Anna, Ernst was making Ilse remain in her room.

"Do you think Freddie will like that I'm wearing his favourite colour?" Freda asked her, Anna smiling.

"Ah!" said Anna. "That's why it had to be blue."

"I don't want him to think of me as a child," sighed Freda. "I'm fifteen now." The big fuss she had made on her birthday last week now finally made sense to Anna. She had been thoroughly annoyed that Freddie had not been able to join them for her birthday dinner and had made a very big deal over him giving her a flower as a present.

"Fifteen is still not old enough to be dating someone in their twenties," commented Anna sternly.

"You can't talk! father is nearly twice your age!" Freda pointed out. Anna stopped what she was doing, staring at her in the mirror with an eyebrow raised. Freda sank back a little, but Anna just smirked.

"When you're in your twenties, age matters far less," Anna explained. "I understand how you feel. Older men are far more exciting." She leant in closer. "Do you want to know a secret?"

"Yes!" said Freda, enthusiastically.

"Just between us girls..."

"Yes! Do tell me!"

"The first man I ever slept with was thirty-two. I was seventeen." Freda gasped.

"Does father know?" she asked. Anna shook her head.

"That stays between us," said Anna, Freda nodding emphatically. There was a pause.

"What was it like?" Freda asked, Anna taking a deep breath. "Are you annoyed that I asked?" Anna felt put on the spot. It was natural to ask. She wished her own mother had talked to her about the reality of it. All she ever got from her was a romanticised version. It hadn't prepared her at all. Her parents had been so wonderful in so many ways, but their need to protect her kept her so naïve to the world.

"Of course I'm not angry," assured Anna. "I'm just thinking of the best way to explain it." She contemplated it a little further before she began. "Karl and I used to go out to clubs a lot. We both loved the excitement of it all. That's where I met this man..."