When is it Enough

Chapter 12 - Nowhere to Run

The hardest part of battle is the waiting. It gives you time to think, and that was the last thing Alina wanted to do.

Ever since she arrived in Shu Han, she'd been running from her thoughts. The last couple days had been so busy that she'd been in action mode the whole time. No thinking, just doing. Sneak past the border patrol at the port of Bhez Ju. Meet Tolya and Tamar to brief them on the plan. Get the information they needed from the soldiers at the bar. Save Aleksander. Find the lab. Make camp.

Get Aleksander out of her head.

Get Aleksander out of her system.

Sneak into the lab. Do recon. Arm Lada. Escape with Aleksander. Kiss Aleksander. Make sure he's armed so he can take the lab without Grisha power. Split up so they can take the other two labs simultaneously. Trek to the third lab. Hide and watch the entrance until it's time to strike.

Don't think. Just do.

But now she had nothing to do. There was nowhere to run anymore. Her thoughts demanded to be heard, and she could no longer drown them out with action.

Saints, what had she done?

She'd felt out of control for the better part of a year now. Mal had been her mooring. He'd kept her safe. He'd kept her calm. He'd kept her from her worst instincts. He'd made her a home and a sanctuary where the worst thing that could happen was paperwork or a scraped knee.

It had been their dream to be simple and boring after the war. Start a farm. Open an orphanage. Mal had often repeated the dream like a mantra, keeping her grounded to it in the days when they were fighting for their lives. How much better it would be to be nothing and no one.

Then he'd left her, and she had to be someone and something again.

The worst part was, she liked it. Summoning made her feel whole in a way she felt difficult to describe. Like she'd regained the ability to walk after being invalid or running wild after being caged. It made her heart pound and lungs burn. It made her feel alive.

It wasn't just the summoning though. Perhaps once it would have been enough, but now her whole body sang with righteous purpose. She knew what needed to be done, that is was right, and she was good at it.

She'd never been good with people. They thought she was weird, eccentric, or unnerving at best. Her students chafed at her instruction. Her children respected her as an authority and kept her at arm's length. The townsfolk only dealt with her when it was absolutely necessary.

Mal had been the people person. He'd been good with the kids. He'd been friends with nearly everyone they met.

She had him and he had everyone.

For the first time, Alina truly considered that nagging feeling she'd had at the orphanage. The restlessness that never went away, no matter how she tried to occupy it. The possibility that, just maybe, the orphanage hadn't really been her dream after all. The farm that Mal had wanted to run away to hadn't ever really appealed to her. Perhaps that even running away from the war hadn't really been what she'd wanted.

She had missed being powerful. She had loved being in command. She thrived when she was fighting.

She thrived with Aleksander. Fighting against him or alongside him- he made her feel alive and powerful. He made her every nerve stand on edge. He focused her on the moment, not on the past.

He was a monster, sure, but maybe she felt a little monstrous too.

It also didn't hurt that sex with Aleksander had been fantastic. Sex with Mal was a meeting of bodies, but sex with Aleksander was a melding of souls. She'd lost where her body ended and his began. Their bond shared pleasure, amplifying it, until she was radiant with it.