Lights Out

Heart Break

I sat there as Shawn cried his eyes out and apologized with every breath he took. After what my mom said to me, I'm just not feeling like the same person. "Stop. Shawn, stop." I said holding his cheek in my hand. "No, you dont love me anymore." Shawn said making my heart shatter, realizing what I had done.

"Stop, I didn't mean it. My moms words hurt. And you not trusting me. I'm sorry. I could never not love you, Turtle." I said starting to cry. He looked at me with his red eyes. "Please dont cry, you're too beautiful to cry." Shawn said wiping my tears. "No, I hurt you when you didn't do anything to me." I said crying hysterically.

"Its alright." He said placing a kiss on my cheek. "No, it's not... Why am I such a terrible person?!" I said crying harder. "You aren't." He gasped. "Yes, I am!" I said freaking out more than before. He took my hand and rubbed his thumb over the back of it. And I started to feel a lot better.

I guess the doctors had been giving me medication bc I refused to sleep so every so often the medicine would knock me out so they could make sure I was sleeping. Because of the medicine making me sleep, it made it impossible to wake up, especially from the nightmares, and the dreams where I relive everything that has happened between Alex and I. I regret every minute I spent with him.

But my worst regret was not killing myself, because now I have gotten Shawn involved in my problems. And Shawn doesn't deserve that. I deserved Alex hurting me, I don't deserve Shawn's love. Shawn is the most amazing person I've ever had in my life, and its sad because he shouldn't have to deal with me. I'm difficult, I'm rude, and he deserves someone better. I'm not good enough for Shawn, I never have been, I never will be. I just wish that I could leave and not upset him. He says he'd be really sad. But I'm sure after my funeral, everyone will forget me. But I will miss Shawn way to much. Do I stay or do I go?

I was knocked out but I was thinking, thinking hard about whether I want to leave Shawn, so he can be happy with someone who is worth having him, or do I stay and just constantly bring him sadness and difficulty into his life? I couldnt figure it out.

I was thinking so hard I heard the heart rate moniter speed up. I couldn't wake up and I feel like I was having a panic attack. I was trying to move and trying to wake up from this terrible feeling and moment and I couldn't wake up, I was trying to move my body but I couldn't move. My dreams affect me, I can't actually move and usually in dreams, I don't move. I just stand there in my dreams. But this was becoming a nightmare, and I was dreaming. I could get up or even open my eyes no matter how hard I tried. My heart rate increased to the speed of a heart attack heart rate.

Pretty soon doctors and nurses rushed in trying to awake me from my trance. But I couldn't wake up, even when I heard Shawn pleading and I could just imagine the sadness in his eyes and he begged my unconscious body to not leave him. I tried with all my heart, soul and strength to wake up.

I finally woke up. And Shawn was asleep in the chair I saw him in before. I decided to let him sleep. He was probably tired. I shifted a little in my bed and accidentally woke up. "Hey, baby, you okay?" He said sounding groggy. "Yeah, go back to sleep." I said closing my eyes and pretending I was sleeping. Pretty soon I knew Shawn was asleep and I opened my eyes. "Good, he's asleep now." I thought to myself. I was so lucky to have Shawn.

Even my mom didn't love me as unconditionally as Shawn did, and that's sad. Its hard to find people that will stay no matter how difficult and with always be on your side. And never take you for granted. I finally had my answer... I'm going to...