Lights Out

A Year Later... New Me.

Shawn decided to apologize to me. A few months ago, and I just can't love him the way I used too. Hes been pretty heartbroken, he says it was a big mistake leaving me, I'm sure it was. Just not mine, I've become really close with Kaylee, Paige and of course, Matt. Matt has been the greatest friend since we all know about the murder, and no one else does. I feel so close to them, of course Shawn did too, but I had this unbelievable trust for Shawn, I loved him with all of me, and he just left me. And he didn't come back until 8 months later, apologetic. I think he only apologized because he had another relationship and it didn't work out. But that didn't matter, I didn't need love from a boyfriend. I have the love of Matt, Kaylee and Paige. And of course, my new friend Madison. She's so pretty with her dark brown hair, light brown eyes, and she's so nice to everyone. She always has my best interests when giving me advice and I could talk to her for hours, literally for hours we could talk about all these different small things that most people have no thoughts about. I have so much fun with her and all of them. Matt and Paige broke up, but we're all still friends, no awkwardness or any of that, even though now I'm dating Matt. We all just have so much funnn together. I love it, I was never even this happy with Shawn, well every so often I got this happy. But with them it's a continuous happiness. And I like it. I've never really been happy in my life, I finally know what it's like to be happy. And I like it. I'll never understand how I lived so long upset, suicidal, and untrusting. Now I trust more than one person, and it's better.

*A Week Later*
I felt so great, until I woke up the next morning and my mom told me what today is. Wednesday, May 27th, 2015. The day the trial starts. I started getting ready. I put my dress pants on and a dressy top.

I looked into my full body mirror. I wasn't pin thin anymore, I finally gained some weight, and I was okay with that, I feel better than I've ever felt. I've been happy, I haven't worried about anything for a while. What Alex did to me, wasn't okay, but I have forgiven him.

A year ago, I would've cut so deep before this trial, but I look at my arms, and I see scars. These scars aren't from weakness, these aren't because I broke. They were my only way of coping, and these scars show that I'm strong. Because even though I have these scars all over my wrists, its strength, because ive gotten passed all of these things that made me turn to cutting, and I'm still here, and now I'm happy. Which is something new. And I no longer go to that anymore, because I surrounded myself with people who love me and make me forget my pain, and make it all worth it. I have survived a lot, and I'm still here. And now, I'm happy. I can't say it enough, I'm happy. Shawn made me feel happy, but not like this. Not like my friends. Not like Matt. I could never get tired of him, he's so funny. He's weird. He's adorable. He makes me smile, a lot. And I can't explain it. Have you ever just felt so alone? Then you meet this one person who just makes everything okay and makes you so happy? And if you haven't, I hope you do. Everyone deserves happiness. And if you don't have it, you will soon. Have you ever cleaned your room and found something great while you were looking for something else? This is that kind of thing. You will find your happiness, and people who make you happy when you're not looking for them. And its hard, but all this time I thought this one guy was the only person I could ever trust, and now I found an even better one when he left me. Don't fight for people not fighting for you, when people show you that they don't care, believe them. You're better without them. I promise you, whatever is happening, you will get through it, there's a reason you aren't dead yet, so don't change that reason. Stay and try to find out what it is.

Don't give up, you've made it this far, you're strong enough to keep going.