Too Embarrassed

Green eyed Shackett.

When Jessica died, Ros had a hard time showing how she felt. Ros was too embarrassed to show she wanted to cry.

"Do you want a hug?" Said a classmate to Ros after the news spread "You were friends with Jessica, right? I'm just really sorry to hear..."

Ros didn't want a hug, genuinely. Hugs did not make her feel better about anything. Hugs made Roslyn feel invaded and kidnapped. It felt like taking a hug made them feel better, as if you had to comfort them. You have to comfort them being uncomfortable with your sadness.

"No, thank you. I appreciate that." Ros returned the kindness with words. However, Ros felt immediately insecure about it, as if they would hold it against her that she didn't want a hug. Ros was too embarrassed to cry, but also too embarrassed to not want a hug.

It was hard to absorb what Jessica did, and it was hard to comfort her friend who just lost her sister. Because Roslyn had such a hard time expressing her own emotions, she wasn't sure what was normal empathy to express to someone who just lost a relative to suicide.

Is it weird to get her flowers? Roslyn thought.

Flowers weren't really going to do anything for somebody that really just wanted to sit on the beach and smoke a joint. Roslyn quickly corrected her thought with an invitation.

Roslyn called Roxanne directly and Rox answered, sounding emotional.

"Hey..."

"Let's fuckin' go. Pack an overnight bag, homie, or you'll be wearing the same outfit twice" Ros invited.

6:o3 a.m. the next morning they were already in the car with coffee and 4 pre-rolls.

"We're going UP!" Ros expressed

"UP? Like up where? Rox didn't even really care, she was so numb about everything that happened, she was willing to go.

"Copper Harbor to stare the the top of things, of course" Ros was excited

Roxanne shook her head, letting out a small smile, "'Aight, let's go"

As the doors to the 1986 Fox body Mustang simultaneously shut, Rox shouted over the loud, aftermarket exhaust,

"Hey, where'd you get this car anyway? What is this?

"Ros laughing, "It's mine! I'm a Detroiter!  It's a fox body!" Ros shook her head in sarcastic disbelief. "Ya know, a Fox body Mustang. The 2nd most desirable model there is."

"What's the first?" Rox asked

"First Gen, of course. Classic. I love the 90's, though. This Fox we're in right now is the first year it was fuel injected. Which is good and bad, that's another story.  Ros held out 4 pre-rolled joints and presented them to Rox. 

"hey, good thing I brought these" 

Rox, wide eyed with delight, added "good thing we're pals!" and pulled out 3 more, presenting them together. Laughing, Ros began to drive and Rox started toward the radio.

"Listen to this shit right here" Rox said and she found the right song, bobbing to the music

"You're a clown" Ros joked

"Why don't sharks eat clowns?!" Rox proposed

"Ugh... I guess I..." Ros couldn't even finish

"Because they taste funny! Ha!" Rox was excited to get her mind off things.

They drove in silence most of the way, with music sometimes in the background. The music drowned out the thoughts and noise, it allowed them to just feel. The drive was therapy, and something that Roslyn did to self-soothe. Since Ros didn't know how to express her empathy, she showed Roxanne her way of self-soothing.

Roslyn's first plan was to get there, get drinks, sleep in, eat too much breakfast, in that order.

Ros ran the plan by Rox and didn't really allow for any input. Ros was taking some control so Rox didn't even have to do anything but feel. It was time for Rox to feel and Ros would be there to support her while doing it.

Roslyn's intentions were good, but Rox got so wasted that night. That night they met the one person that would completely ruin their friendship. Ros blamed herself for picking that bar, and being chatty with the people playing pool. She wanted the table and sweet-talked the guys playing to let them double. Ros learned quick that up north, you gotta win the table. You can't just ask to play next, you have to play together or beat the person playing. Yooper rule.

Roslyn came back to, and she was sitting in the interrogation room with Shackett yelling in her face,

"Are you on drugs? What is wrong with you?"