His Identity

You just have to deal with it

Confidence is not a quality that I possess. But it is something that I wholeheartedly wish for in moments like this. Some say that looking at yourself through the mirror can boost inner confidence. Am I gaining it now? I really don't know. I took a deep breath and stared at myself. My dull lock of blonde hair isn't combed as usual, my jeans are too shabby and faded, my top is utterly plain and I smelled like.. laundry?

Conclusion is I look normal. Nothing special but another waste of space. The need for doing something has always been what I wanted deep down but there aren't many options when the last time you stepped out was ten years ago. That is one of the reasons my mom has no right to blame me for being the god of destruction in our family. It's impossible for a hyperactive, clumsy teenage girl to be trapped between four walls twenty four-seven. So my family is used to all the frequent destruction caused by me.

"Grace, hurry up!" I heard my mom calling for my elder sister. I rolled my eyes knowing that the brat won't be out her room for another half and hour. She would never leave her mirror without applying those mountains of powder on her face. I quickly ran downstairs knowing this is my chance.

"Mom," I walked up to my mother who was waiting at the front door.

"Evelyn, I already said no." she sighed, ready for what was coming next.

"Please mom, you can't do this to me!" 

"Of cause I can do whatever I want."

"I'm 16 for god's sake!!" I started doing the dramatic hand movements I practiced earlier. "You can't keep me trapped like this! Leave Grace instead!"

"Eve-"

"Don't interrupt me!! I have been waiting to step out for years!! Then when I'm finally legal you aren't letting me!! It's not your goddamned decision to make!! Like others I deserve a life!!"

"No you don't!! As long as you are under my roof I won't be letting you out."

"But I hate it here! It's like I'm a pathetic prisoner who have nothing else to do than count the cockroaches coming out of the toilet!!"

"You just have to deal with it. We've been back and forth about this Evelyn. It's time for you to finally stop."

"But-"

"NO" The woman glared at me and felt like shrinking in a small dark place. Freaking confidence decided to abandon me. Who am I kidding? I wasn't trusting him anyway.

"Breakfast is in the toaster and wake your sister." She said before leaving when Grace joined us downstairs. I swear I wanted to punch my elder sister across the face for the pitiful look she gave me. I stormed to the kitchen after the front door slammed shut. I was beyond furious.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" I screamed at the toaster and threw it at the wall. "You lil piece of shit" I continued to curse while kicking and destroying it to pieces. Moments later I was beating the hell out of the toaster when I heard someone call my name."

"Eve?" My younger sister wore a worried look. She was still in her pajamas with hello kitty faces all over it. The pj's are hideous but looked cute on her.

"Hey," I said calming myself a bit for Abbe's sake.

"Are you ok?"

I shook my head. Some where I felt idiotic for telling this to my ten year old sister who couldn't understand any of this. "Come here," said Abbe. I put on a fake smile and bent down to hug her. It was a bit difficult with her wheelchair but I managed. I sweetly placed a kiss on the top of her head and went to the kitchen counter to prepare something for breakfast. 

"What do we have to eat?" 

"I'm sorry about that." I said, indicating the destroyed breakfast along with the dead toaster.

"May you rest in peace" Abbe said making a holy cross at the toaster which made me slightly giggle. 

"Are you up for cereal?"

"Sure" Abigail wheeled herself to the table after taking two bowls for us. I came with milk and that's how we ended up having cereal for breakfast. I wanted to change the subject and enjoy this breakfast time only with Abbe.

"What were you reading last night?"

"A book" she shrugged and that was it.

"From where did you find a book?"

"Grace found it while cleaning the attic."

"You owe me for not telling mom that you stayed up late last night"

"And you owe me for not going to tell her that you broke the toaster." she pointed out.

"She is going to find out anyway." Both of us laughed, knowing how I am famous for destroying stuff. After finishing the rest of our cereal in silence Abbe spoke up again. "The book was our father's" 

I turned to look at her only to see that she was interested on the floor. When she looked up I gave her a small nod and went back to washing the dishes. The thought of our father is simply painful to me. "Can you tell me one more thing about him?" the younger girl asked her most frequent question of all the time. No one can blame her for being curious because Abbe wasn't even born when he passed away.

"Abbe I have already told you everything I remember of him" I sighed. "Even I was only six" both of us said at the same time. I raised an eyebrow at my sister.

"Can't help it," she shrugged. "That's what you always say."

"I wish I could remember more about him" I rinsed the bowls. "I really do"

"I know" was all Abbe said before leaving the kitchen. After cleaning everything I headed to my room. When I passed Abbe's on my way to the stairs I saw her reading that book from last night again. I popped myself on the bed and grabbed my diary from the night stand. I haven't been writing anything in it but I have filled it with drawings and sketches instead. Only I can understand what I've drawn in it since I pour my feelings to it in an indirect way. 

A lot of things were happening inside my head so I looked outside the window while biting into the pencil between my teeth. The streets are quiet as always. Not a single person outside. It's not like many people live down here. Only a few houses are in a good state while most of them are burnt down to ashes. The place is literally inhabited with no human activities in sight. But in some mysterious way we do get electricity and water for houses. And once in every two months two legal people from each house is allowed out to buy food and other household needs from the city's main market. 

"The city guards are everywhere. They checks every single person who enters the market. I wonder what they're looking that much for." I remembered what Grace said when she first went outside two years ago after becoming legal. "This wasn't always like this" is what mom always say. She blank out whenever we talk about it as if recalling her past.

I took my pencil and started to draw a bubble and a few houses on fire inside it. Then a masked man who blew this bubble. Red and black are the only colors my hand wanted to use. This masked man is whoever controls our city. The bubble indicates that we're trapped. The burning houses are for the depression level of the citizens. This unknown man can pop the bubble or in reality burn everything down in a flick of a finger. 

Whoever is controlling us is the reason behind our suffocation. But also there is nothing we could do about it.

"You just have to deal with it," I imitated my mom before angrily closing the diary. If only I could go outside and find answers for all these unanswered questions in my life. If only I can do something rather than sketching all day long. 

But for sixteen years I have done nothing. 

"Like an echo in the forest the day will come back around as if nothing happened"

***

A/N: Come to think of it. Our lives aren't much different from Evelyn's is it? Hope all of you are healthy and safe from Covid. Leave a comment of what you guys are doing to kill time. I'm also searching for a new hobby.