Drapetomania |

3.

Honestly going out there took huge courage from me lmao, I couldn't bare staring outside the window yet they wanted me to go out, every time I'd go out I felt eyes on me, I felt fear rushing inside if me more than ever, every place screamed danger to me, my mum took me to these classes for 2 days to get better at the language but while people were studying I was hyperventilating, my breathing was always uneven, after taking a bath, just thinking in general would make my breathing get heavier as I struggled to calm myself, we visited a few doctors, they asked me to go out more, and like come in contact with sunlight, go to school and don't stay home, but of course I did none like the surrounding was new to me and I couldn't possibly go there and start school when there was an obvious language barrier,

I don't think I've went through depression, I was just being emotional most of the time there, I started loosing interest from everything I loved doing, I distanced myself from people, including my friends and family, I couldn't face my family's eyes without crying, there was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to let out, I wanted to scream and cry and just feel the weight lift off my chest, but there's no one I could get myself to reach to, I had friends who genuinely cared about me but I pushed them away, always giving the chaotic energy while texting from time to time, my parents, I really wanted to hug them and say them how I felt but I couldn't everytime I tried I'd just cry and say nothing, I knew I was hurting my family by always crying, but I didn't know how to make it stop, I could see the pain in my mom's eyes everytime I cried, but again I couldn't make it go away, I saw her cry because me alot, asking me to stop but it was just impossible, I'd stay home all day and read books just to escape reality, turn the music to the maximum level while having my earphones to avoid all those gunshots at night,

There were so many times I wanted to give up, I was tired of everything, I just wanted to sleep forever, sounds dramatic but let's say I was on the verge of being emo lmao but even so, I knew I couldn't possibly give up, everything happens for a reason right? I wanted to believe that, I wanted to be there when we leave this place, I wanted to be there for my sister's wedding, I wanted to see my brother again, I wanted to see my parents smile again a genuine one without having any worries, I wanted to see my little sister grow up and graduate from school, I wanted to be there when my friends needed someone to lean on, I wanted to meet those I didn't get to see for the last time, I wanted to complete my dreams, I wanted to complete my dream of being a writer, learning how to draw, I wanted to complete my education, I wanted to live, there were people who trusted me and believed in me and I couldn't just give up and leave when I was always the one scolding them for such thoughts lol

When I would go to my cousin's, I'd stay over for maximum 3 nights, and we'd stay up till morning, watching kdramas, or anime, we'd make up scenarios of being characters in animes, we'd make them take our mind off what's happening around us even if it's just for a few hours, we'd make stories with different point of views and merge them together, we'd argue so much but again we'd end up staying up night laughing till morning, I can't say enough how much I love her and I wish her safety