Drapetomania |

5.

Anwyays, once many territories got captured by the Talibans, it got dangerous day by day, so like after ages I sneaked out with my cousin for the first time alone to a grocery store, to get snacks obviously, but I witnessed the blood of the two people who were killed on the wall, it seemed like after they were killed they were dragged along the wall if that makes sense like during my stay in afghanistan I developed an eating disorder, and that day after not eating for like two days or something and witnessing that I couldn't feel my arms or legs, my cousin grabbed a cold juice giving it to me, dude it was scary I was so not oKAy with that, and I regretted letting my guard down and going out,

We got the visa for Iran a three month visa and we had like a day to prepare, so our passports were taken to another territory and while the person who was bringing it was stopped by Taliban we all were scared like our passports were with that guy, but thank God he came the next day and in one day we had to clean up and stuff, our neighbors cried because they got used to use and my family were close to them and my cousin too, as much as I was happy I'd leave I couldn't find the urge to leave my cousin, the night before I fell asleep next to her, and the day we were leaving we got up early, and started preparing and using the stickers I had me and her we started putting the flower stickers and butterfly ones on our cheeks like below our eyes to give an extra effect while taking pictures, and it looked cute yo, I have her pictures and everytime I see it I miss her more, I hugged and while leaving and started to cry and she snapped "why tf you crying stupid" she said that to my face when her eyes were welled with tears that idiot after saying goodbye we headed to the airport, my relatives called I was close to them but after a little argument I took distance but I bid goodbye and forgave her even though she never asked for it -.-

I was seated next to my elder sister in the plane man I was crying when we were leaving on the plane,

When we reached to Iran, mashad, we stayed at my dad's friends for 2 weeks and then a hotel, and now we rented a house, we haven't got everything because our visa is just for three months, yea it is safer here in Iran, I'm glad and thankful for getting away from afghanistan but again, Iran doesn't like Afghans, we can't get a sim card without problem, afghans can't go to school here, they don't get the best hospitality, they aren't treated so well, and once again I'm repeating what I used to staying at home and feeling suffocated with no one to possibly talk to, I can't bring myself to it,

Okay lemme rant a bit here, so my cousins, I have two cousins in afghanistan stuck, one of them they lost their father 5 years ago and their brother recently, and they have another brother who's very young and working in Japan, they don't have passport and can't get out now, my other cousin okay this is getting frustrating to think about it, but her father is in Japan, but that person who is my so called uncle I hate him so much, he hasn't gotten a passport for his family, he knew Afghanistan had no future, he had the strength to take them out, but being the mindless person he is he didn't I'm sorry for the disrespect but at this point he doesn't deserve any of my respect even if he's my mom's brother I don't care, it's his fault their stuck there it's his fault his 5 daughters are in afghanistan stuck and scared, it's all his fault for being careless, if anything happens to them I won't forgive him, I won't allow him to defend himself because he's such a senseless human, there's millions of people stuck there I know, but they had the chance, they could get out long back but their father didn't do anything, he lives well and works well in Japan but what about his family? Her wife had given up  right now, his daughter can't speak up saying how scared she is none of them can, my dad and so did my mom say him multiple times but only humans understand the human language therefore he doesn't,

Even though we're somewhere safe my mind doesn't seem to be at ease, I have worries from everywhere, a months over, after two months will I go back to afghanistan, I'd rather die than to go back there, then there's my cousin's and relatives stuck there, then there's a question about my future, it's just all messed up I'm still traumatized, I still find myself crying, I've become sensitive to sounds, I can't go out looking up I've lost confidence, I've become insecure, I get triggered easily, the loud noises, yelling, dishes and glasses making contact and creating that noise it's all effecting me mentally, I'm trying to recover but it doesn't seem to work I want to scream and cry until I have nothing left but it seems like after everytime I cry I still have that lump that I can't cry out and hold it in every single time, I hold something inside bit being able to let it out, my breathing gets heavier on daily basis and it's a struggle to keep it stable, it's a struggle to feel at ease, I hate the two faced attitude people give me, I hate it I hate not having anyone to lean on I rather be independent and stand on my own but it's taking too much to keep going like this, like God make a miracle happen and let me go somewhere where I don't need to worry, where I can be assured I won't need to leave, my safety guaranteed, my education being complete and me being at ease,

Like my aunt is in London and they're trying for the program of idk what it's called they've gave our name so maybe we can go there, and there's people in Australia who've done the same I'm thankful for all those who's trying for us, now the rest is upto god.

I can't believe all this happened when I was 13 and now I'm 14 turning 15 in two weeks and a few days lmfao so much happened in the previous year and this one aswell honestly it was struggle, my dad lost his job at a country he worked and lived over 25 years and me and my siblings being born there, my dad jobless for a year, me and my lil sis not completing school, and my sister and brother who had dreams of college and getting jobs crushed, well let's hope for the best in the future~

I'm actually proud, even today I find myself worrying about it, what if I didn't get outta afghanistan, what would I do, but then I come back to reality and thank god I'm outta there, the road we've walked had many obstacles so far, and possibly will have more, but I'll face god as I walk backwards to hell- jkjk there's many problems awaiting for us and maybe good days aswell, so I'm willing to stay on this road, and walk my way till I reach then end, bad or good ending it doesn't matter as long as I know it's the right path for me ;))) bruh I really have to add something weird when I try to get deep lmfao let's just say it ain't my thing lol, let's hope for all those innocent people be saved from the happenings in afghanistan, and those who are happy with the situation go to hell and live and die in the worst way possible :))

Anyways here's the ending ✌️