Still In Love With You

Home Again

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Sophie
Next Morning- Lakeview's town cemetery

I quietly sat on the grass. Tears rolled down my eyes as the lump in my throat kept me from speaking a word. I finally took a big gulp, inhaling a deep breath, cleared my throat, and wiped away my tears.

"Hi, mom. I miss you." I finally say after many minutes of sitting there, but it soon gets the best of me. I can't take the pain inside, letting go and crying in my hands as I cover my face and lean against my knees.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been gone for so long. I just, I've been a coward. I haven't had the guts to come back and see you...I needed to see you so bad, you have no idea how much I need you. Do you have no idea how hard this has been? I kept my promise to you though, I got my shit together as I promised. I graduated this year with my bachelor's in creative writing and photography. I have been receiving so many offers for my books, you were right, they are such big hits. I wish you were here to see my achievements, God, I wish you were here. I need you momma! I need you so much." My voice breaks. The tears and knots in my throat are unbearable. It's been far too long, bottling all my feelings inside.

I miss my mom terribly. I still think of how unjustifiable it felt when mom's cancer came back, taking her life.

Mom had long battled with cancer but had managed to beat back when I was in high school. Everyone, including Logan, had praised and celebrated her victory. But, it was short-lived when cancer came back in her bones. It took all her effort and strength away.

Cancer quickly spread to her spine leaving her almost paralyzed. The whole process leaving me with so much anger and bitterness. Feeling vulnerable seeing her in so much pain and not being able to do anything.

Just months after I came to see her, mom decided enough was enough. She begged us as a family to let her go, and cherish the rest of the time she had left until it came to her last goodbye. She stopped chemo and radiation.

"I still can't believe you're not here with me anymore. I wake up hoping that I will be back home, in that room up in that attic." I can't help but chuckle through tears, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Remember when Nathan was beginning to crawl? You made him special pants with an extra cushion around his knees to keep him from getting hurt. When he started babbling and called you mommy because he would hear me call you mom. I recall when you'd come by and all he wanted was to be with mommy Hailey. He'd even sleep with you at night, and the boys would be so jealous." My voice began to quiver, breaking down as my eyes continue to fill with tears.

"I miss you, mom. I miss you so much. You were my best friend in the whole world. I wish you could be here to see Nathan, he's gotten so big. I know you loved him, just like I do. He's my world. He loves you so much, even though you are not here anymore, I know he misses you so much." I chuckle, wiping my tears away once more, I slowly get on my knees and place the bouquet of yellow roses mixed with gerbera daisies on top of mom's grave.