Still In Love With You

What Were You Thinking?

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Dylan

I downed my drink as I sat at the bar. My hands were on top of the cold-hard wood top. I gestured to the bartender to serve me another drink. I don't know what the hell I was thinking messing around with a colleague of mine. Casey and I became good friends. He taught me a lot when I entered the medical profession in the military. He was already working as a doctor, and he took me in showing me everything he knew so that I wouldn't struggle so much. We were great friends, even after he found out from the others that I was gay. For the first few years, he saw me and treated me for me, not for what I was, but for who I was.

But then almost three years ago, it somehow just...happened. I was missing Troy so much.

The more I talked to him, the less I felt I deserved him in my life. He was doing so good with his business, and my profession was so stressful. I honestly didn't think I would ever make it as a doctor., if it wasn't for Casey, who kept pushing me to keep trying, I probably would have given up. He became like a best friend.

Someone I could rely on and talk to. He knew I was gay, and I was being harassed and getting a hard time from the other guys for being gay. I didn't care...I was used to it. I've dealt with assholes like them all the time. But Casey was the only one in there that treated me like a human being. Thing is... He wasn't even gay. He had only been with women before, and even when I met him, he continued to sleep with women who he'd meet at bars on our night off.

One night while we were extremely intoxicated, he confessed that he had thought about what it would be like to be with a man. It intrigued him. Before I could process what was happening, he was on top of me, kissing me, undressing me. We had sex, but in my mind, I kept thinking it was wrong. I love Troy, and I wanted to be with him. But I let my damn hormones take over, and slept with him that night.

I tried pushing it aside, it was just one night after all...or at least, that's what I kept repeating to myself in my head. I woke up the next morning, explaining to him that it was a one-night-only and nothing else could ever happen between us. I intended on letting Troy know, to apologize to him, but Casey was right. If I told Troy, it had to be face to face, not over the phone. So I waited, hoping to see him soon. But, each time I wanted to visit, he wasn't home, he was out on business. When he had a free day, I was too busy. The days turned to weeks, the weeks into months. I should have followed my gut and told him right away, but my fear of losing him made me afraid.

The guilt kept on eating me alive, and the more time passed by, the harder it became for me to confess to him. But then, Casey became touchy. Each time he thought we were alone, he'd grope me, rub himself against me, he'd wait until I had to go into the medicine room to try and seduce me. No matter how bad I tried to explain to him that I loved Troy, he insisted that it was ok. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just a friend that would help to ease his need for pleasure.