𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐀 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐀

Butterflies

The day with Damiano today was wonderful, but now packing up my bags again to return to Italy, where I currently live, I can't help but wonder if I should just tell him now or wait till tour has finished? To you know, break the news I could be... argh it makes me scared to even say.... pregnant.

For gods sake, of course I should tell him now. I couldn't tell him when 5 months pregnant after tour is finished. I'm so stupid. How could this have happened? We always use protection!! I don't even know if I am pregnant? For sure....

But it would make sense... I mean, seeing him four weeks ago, my period due a week ago. It really would make sense. No, Marlena, don't think like that! You can't be pregnant, you just can't be!

There's only one way to find out.

And I better do it now , I will have to tell him now before I go back if I really am pregnant. I couldn't just go home and not tell him. I need a pregnancy test. Now.

And so I do. The journey to get it felt like mission impossible. I was constantly on the watch for people I knew and paparazzi. No one could know about this, until I knew what was happening myself. I still went and brought about 10, I have to be sure!

My heart feels like it's beating out of my chest, my stomach is just full of butterflies, I could even cry. I have to be careful as well, Damiano could walk in any minute. He's been at band rehearsal all day, but I don't know, he might need to come back and get something. My god, it sucks. If I do find out I'm pregnant, i still have to go back to Italy tonight, I'll have to experience this all on my own. I just can't win! It feels completely impossible.

But now as I await the result, jeez, I can't remember the last time I felt as scared as this. I don't even know what I'm scared of, I want a baby, just not now.... I'm not ready for that! I don't even want to look, despite it being time to. These next few seconds, could change my life. I just need the bravery and courage to pick up the test now.

My hand is trembling as I reach for it. I stand up on my feet. I can feel a tear run down the side of my face as I fear how many lines I'm about to see on the test.

"Marlena, just pick up the fucking test... 3....2.....1..."

I pick it up, but my eyes are closed. I squint, almost as if I'm trying to peep.

But then, I hear the door close.

"Marlena? You here?" I hear Damiano say. "Do you know where that jumper is I bought yesterday?"

OH NO. He's come back. He's just a few steps from me now. He could see!

The sudden sound of his voice, makes me open my eyes to end up staring straight down allowing me to see the result of my test. My PREGNANCY test.

But Damiano must have walked over before I even got time to come back to realisation.

"Marlena? Is that a-"