Carlo : Ti salveró amore mio

Chapter 17

Life right now seems... numb.

Everyday goes by in a blur, almost as if it isn't real. It's a horrible feeling actually, constantly wondering what it would be like to not be here. But it's because it already feels like I'm not.

I mean, physically I'm here. But mentally I feel nonexistent. Invisible maybe.

Sometimes it kind of feels like being lost, but... lost in yourself; in the world. Sometimes you don't even know why you're doing anything, or why you're living.

It's like not knowing why or what you're doing half the time. And continuously questioning yourself.

But then you have those moments... where you remember everything, and you suddenly become aware of the fact that you're broken, and you sit in an equally broken world.

And it's actually a little exhausting if I must be honest, because eventually you go back to being numb.

And the cycle continues.

"Axel!" I shout, slapping his hand away. "Enough."

"I have to. Or you'll get infected. Do you want your eye to go mouldy ?" He questions, holding a bottle of rubbing alcohol in one hand and a cotton pad in the other.

"No." I mumble, looking away from him.

"Exactly." He presses the pad lightly to my eye and follows the cut that has started to scab and scar slightly,

I hiss in pain and scrunch up my eyebrows which makes it hurt more.

"Nearly finished." He mutters. After a few seconds he moves away and grabs another pad. He places it on top of the bottle and tips it upside down with one hand. Then he starts to heal my lip.

I look at the clock in the room and the calendar underneath it that Axel brought in so I can see how long I've been here before.

"It's Carlo's birthday today." I mutter, staring off into space.

I notice Axel looks over at the calendar and then back at me.

17th of June.

I look at Axel. "Do you think they'll get me?"

He sighs and smiles lightly. "Yeah. Yeah I do."

"Well someone's got to." I mutter, as I jump off the table I was sat on and walk over to the punching bags. "Because I don't."

I move into a stance and hold up my fists.

"Adelaide you need gloves, or strap your hands." Axel warns.

But what he doesn't seem to realise, is that hitting this bag until my fists are bleeding is a form of my own self harm. If this small pain can make these voices that came back go away for a little while then I shall hurt my body to get that small ounce of silence.

I tighten my fists and start punching the bag, everything around me seems to disappear and everything is a quiet bliss.

But once I start going lighter on my punches they shout.

Weak.

Pathetic.

Useless.

Only good enough to be used.

You killed your child.

Spineless.

Fragile.

No one is coming for you. Why would they?

Did you really think they would?

Joke.

I punch harder and harder until arms wrap themselves around me and I get brought into a hug.

"It's okay, it's okay."

I stand still with my arms down at my sides and try to move away. "Don't touch me." I mumble and walk to the small sink in the corner of the gym.

I rinse the blood off my fists and go to the first aid box.

"You've got to wait just two more days, Adelaide." Axel makes his way over to me.

"I'm tired of waiting, Axel. I've waited for what? Six months now?" I question. "Don't tell me to wait for two days. I'm tired."

"I know you've waited. I know you have. But they might-" He tries to explain but I cut him off.

"Stop trying to convince me they're coming. That- That he's coming. Because he's not, no one is. If they were coming don't you think they would've maybe just maybe be here by now?"

"Adelaide."

"Stop." I glare at him and go back to wrapping my fists up. "Just stop."

****

"When we go to the casino, you will stay by my side unless I say so. Understand?" Rye explains, whilst tying me to the bed once more for the night.

"Yeah." I mumble, looking away from his face.

He sits up and straddles my waist holding himself up slightly. I take a deep breath at the awkward silence.

I finally look at him, "Why did you take me?"

He smiles a little and brings his hand up to the side of my face, "Because you're mine. Mine way before Carlo." He spits out his name.

I furrow my eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

He stands up and walks over to a bare wall, pressing a button. The wall opens up to the side and reveals pictures of,

Me.

Some of them are of me sitting on my window sill at my old house. Way before I met Carlo.

Then there's ones with Carlo and I. He has a photo of me sitting on the window sill with the sun glowing into my room and next to it is with me sat on the same window sill but with Carlo next to me.

The day I met him and he taught me a smoking trick.

Rye crawls up the bed and lays next to me on his side. I remove my eyes from the pictures and look at me. "Saying "I'm yours", isn't an excuse to take someone, Rye."

"Oh but it is. To own you is- is remarkable. A gift. And I finally have that." He smiles at me. "And hopefully soon I will get to have a tinier gift." He looks down at my stomach. "I love you."

"You don't love me." I look at him disgusted and shake my head.

"You can't tell me my own feelings." He glares at me.

"Yes I can." I deadpan. There's a long silence as I stare at him. "You're going to rape me?" I question. Trying to keep my voice normal.

He looks up at me and presses a kiss to my cheek. "Goodnight Adelaide."

He lays his head beside my head and places a hand on my stomach.

If Carlo is not at that casino, I swear on everything I'm not going to be alive to see another day.

I've tried it before. I just fucking hope it works this time.