Carlo : Ti salveró amore mio

Chapter 45

I feel exhausted, I don't know why I am having such a hard day, these past few days I've been feeling okay. I've been laughing more and going outside even though I hate it. They tell me it's okay to have a bad day sometimes.

But is it?

I feel childish that my feelings are up and down, but it hurts today. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I feel cold. But not like a snowy day type of cold, it's a type of cold that makes you shiver even though the heating is on its highest setting. The type of cold that feels lonely.

"It's okay to have bad days." Rose reassures me as she sits on the end of the bed I'm lying on.

I want my mom.

Rose settles a thick blanket over the top of me and hands me a hot water bottle. I take the bottle and hold it close to me. Her warm hands stroke my hair out of the way from my face and rubs her thumb across my cheekbone.

"What hurts?" She whispers.

A tear rolls down my cheek. "Stomach and head."

She gives me a sad smile. "Empty?"

I nod my head and she rubs her fingers through my hair watching the movement with sad eyes. "Is it going to stop hurting?" I question with a voice crack.

"Eventually." She still doesn't look me in the eyes. "It's always going to hurt, but not this bad. It will slowly dim. But you should never ever feel guilty for that dim, don't think of it as moving past it, think of it as growing stronger."

She steps off of the bed and walks over to the door where she opens it and grabs a carrier bag then walks back over to me closing the door. Out of the bag she takes out a chocolate brown bear and hands it to me. I make it face me and she presses a button on the paw to which makes the bear feel like it has a heartbeat.

Once she sees I've figured it out she lifts the blanket and places it on my stomach. "You might have had your doubts on your child, but you still weren't ready for a goodbye." She covers me in the blanket once more and goes back to raking her fingers lightly through my hair.

I place one hand on the bear and then hold the water bottle to the side of my face that's smushed against the bed, keeping that side warm.

"You can sleep. You're safe." She mumbles quietly and I close my eyes allowing my exhaustion to simmer as I sleep.

****

"Hey baby." A quiet whisper awakens me and the warmth of something stroking over my eyelid. I slowly open my eyes and look at Carlo kneeling at the end of the bed, leaning against it to reach me. "Are you hungry?"

I scrunch my eyebrows and close my eyes again. I hear him chuckle and a ruffle of a bag. "I got you some snacks in case, and some drinks." The bed dips a little from the weight of the bag but I keep my eyes closed.

He sighs and I feel his hand glide over my blanket covered belly to my waist and back up again. When I open my eyes again he's leaning against his arm and watching me.

"Want a hug?" He asks.

"Okay."

He moves me up the bed a little and lays down next to me, with one hand rubbing my side and the other supporting his head as he lifts it up.

"How was your day?" I question.

"I didn't do anything. I got you snacks and all of that." He mumbles and presses a light kiss to my nose.

I nod my head and look around the room which is now empty of baby things, it has been for a while now.

Empty.

"We can watch a movie." I suggest, "How about Finding Nemo?"

"Isn't that a kids movie?" He smiles.

I gasp and look away from him. "It's a great movie."

"For children."

"It's a perfect movie for you then isn't it?" I joke.

"Sleep." He pushes my head away. "You're done."

"Don't push my head." I sit up and grab a pillow smacking him in the face.

"And you say I'm the child." Carlo rolls his eyes.

"Shush." I jump off of the bed and walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Carlo props himself up on his elbows and looks towards me.

"Ricardo, and the others."

I walk down the hallway and bang against the three doors to their separate bedrooms. "Movie!" I shout and walk back to my room.

"I thought you were getting them."

I open the door wider and wait three seconds before they come running in talking over each other about what movie to watch. Ricardo holds Nicola's hand as they walk in and Izzy walks in-front of them.

I watch Carlo pick up my blanket and everything, moving it all to the side. He holds the bear and looks at me briefly before turning it off and putting it in a shelf out of the way.

Closing the door behind all of us the kids start fighting over the remote and climb onto the bed. I walk over to the left side and sit down with my back against the headboard. Carlo moves me and slides himself behind me so I'm leaning against his chest instead.

The vibration from his chest as he talks rumbles against my back. "Take it in turns, we'll watch both the movies you want to watch."

"Dibs!" Izzy yells. "I'm first."

She yanks the remote out of Nicola's hand and starts finding a movie. Ricardo crawls across the bed over towards us and climbs onto my lap. He hugs into me and turns his head to watch the TV.

I feel Carlo moves us both to the center of the bed as he leans against the headboard. Izzy sits beside us and plays with the ends of my hair as the movie plays and Nicola sits on the other side of us.

****
CARLO'S POV:

After five movies and too many seating changes everyone has fallen asleep. Adelaide lays in between my legs with Ricardo, she's on her side facing Ricardo and holding him close to her. Ricardo holds onto her hand as he sleeps and sometimes pulls it closer to his face to lean on.

Bella lays beside me facing Adelaide's back with her hand in Adelaide's hair, it's a comfort thing. Then Nicola lays on my other side with a hand on his brother's chest. Both fast asleep.

I have one hand on Adelaide's back under her shirt and I rub my hand up and down her spine feeling her small hairs stand up slightly and goosebumps just from my touch.

Reaching over to grab the remote and turn the TV off, I lay down properly and move Adelaide and Ricardo up more onto my chest so they don't get suffocated by the blanket when I bring it up.

I look down at Adelaide and wrap an arm around her body so my hand is on her stomach. I know everything is now coming up on her. It's all too overwhelming.

The thing with Adelaide is that she will bottle everything up to the point that she, in a way, forgets about it. But the problem with doing that is that eventually it floods her brain and she is forced to remember everything all at once instead of remembering it piece by piece.

"Sorry Carlo." Her angelic voice whispers, her eyes still closed and she moves her hand on top of mine intertwining her fingers with mine from the back of my hand.

"Stop apologising." I whisper back and press a soft kiss to her lips before she falls asleep again.

She won't stop apologising, and I don't think she ever will. No matter how much I try to convince her it's not her fault I know it's already in her head that my words are wrong.

But that won't stop me from saying them.