Opening

What Lay Beneath

I stare at the blank page
I'm not sure what to write
When last has my pen felt paper?
a while. My mind's been in a cage
My head crammed and noisy
Holds my thoughts captive,
numbs my fingers. Prevents me;
incarcerates me. Defeats me
But is it my head?
Or is it me?
Maybe I'm making it up
Was it worth it? The tears I've shed
The blood I've bled. Scarlet, oozing
But it's shiny, silver, so inviting:
My best friend.
Keeps my darkness hiding
Darkness? Why?
My life has light. It's full of it
So why? Why can I not feel normal
I wish for blackness, wish to hear the crows cry.
I'm not a good person
I suppose I deserve it
Deserve what? What's wrong?
Maybe it's just an elaborate tale I've spun
But really it's there
Black, consuming evil
It won't go, Why is it here? WHY?
Move, go, just leave me bare.
I'm letting it ruin my life
Or so I say
But it's me. My fault. My feelings
Cutting me deep, like a knife
I feel this way for no reason
I feel stupid
So I create them
Everything I try is not appeasing
I lay under my cocoon. Protected
Here I'm most happy. Alone
I no longer need to pretend
I can show off my heart;infected
I'm hurt confused, alone
Not literally. I'm surrounded
But I don't know. So who else will
So here I lay at home
With no one
Nothing.
But my pen
And it's paper it's finally felt.