Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
The dark night sky above bears its cosmic beauty—the moon. It reminds her of Jennie. Sweet, kind, beautiful Jennie with her cute rabbit teeth and gummy smile and cat eyes that always sparkle. Her moon in the dark empty vast of her existence. The block in her chest feels like it just gets heavier and a particular nausea hits her with unprecedented force.
Her eyes water again, stopping as fast as the tears just appeared and she sighs heavily. She's cried too much to be able to physically do it anymore. She grips the grass underneath her fingertips and almost prays for it to keep her here—to keep her rooted to the ground that she's sitting on.
"Love always wins.", the quote echoes in her head and her nostrils flare up in irritation. No, it doesn't. She knows better. She has known better. She's been reminded of this very thing every single day of her life. No, love does not always win. And yes, she's seen enough of her parents' ordeal to know that. It's been reiterated everytime her parents have tried to work things out with each other and it's ended in her with her back against the door of her bedroom, trying to stop the ringing of the hurling of endless strings of curses and angry words of two resentful adults from reaching her ear. She remembers slouching on their fusty living room sofa as a child, wishing for the happy ending of the movie playing to be the one her family has, and she also remembers swiftly changing the channel to CNN as a teenager, not before scoffing in contempt of the movie that she knows will have a happy ending which she isn't interested in at all. Bullshit.
"If only I had not rejected that offer to marry you...." If only, Lisa thinks back to her mother's words filled with regret, embittered over the years. She wishes so too. If only her mother had not chosen "love" over her career, if only she hadn't married her father, if only she wasn't born to them, if only....If only Lisa wasn't damaged enough to consider leaving Jennie for her scholarship.
Jennie's going to understand. Lisa knows Jennie is going to understand because Jennie knows. Jennie has unraveled every little corner of her eroded self to know why she'd even consider ruining them. And Jennie is going to take it. She's going to take it with a teary smile and wish her luck and she's going to mean it—because Jennie loves her. Jennie loves Lisa. Although Lisa isn't even sure what it means. Jennie has inclined so much love over the span of two years towards Lisa that the latter almost understood what it entailed. Almost.
"Lisa?" Jennie says from behind her, her voice suddenly cutting through the dreadful voice of Lisa's thoughts.
She turns around, and Jennie's face instantly loses its joyful light. The petite girl almost sprints to where Lisa is sat.
"Baby? What's wrong, Lili?" Jennie asks impatiently, scrutinizing every inch of Lisa's tear-stained, tired face.
It's love. Lisa doesn't know how she can determine that, but she loves Jennie. She doesn't know how she determines it in her mind but it's like her mind isn't even part of the equation. She doesn't know how she determines it after not ever catching a flash of affection in either of her parents' eyes, and she doesn't know how she determines it after wishing death upon her parents, if not a divorce. But she loves Jennie and she croaks it out for perhaps the last time she ever will be able to, "I love you, Jennie." She says, her body willing to give out after everything that has transpired today.
Jennie's thumb swipes like a delicate feather onto her cheek, an act of utter compassion, not even remotely linked to any selfish or worldly desires.
"I love you too." She says softly, waiting for Lisa to elaborate on the kind of tragedy they've found themselves a part of.
"I g-got that scholarship to Germany." Lisa says flatly, hyper-aware now of what it means for them.
It takes a little bit for Jennie to catch onto what she's insinuating, though.
"Oh." She says blankly, looking like she's still processing the limited amount of words Lisa has used today.
Her head lowers and her forehead presses heavily onto Lisa's shoulder. "Congratulations. I'm so h-happy...you got it. You did it, baby." Jennie says in a low, rough whisper. I'm hurting her, Lisa thinks and exhales shakily.
I love you, Lisa wants to say again but the value of those words far outweighs the intention of her emotions. She wouldn't be choosing the scholarship over Jennie if she really loved her. Jennie's silent tears wouldn't be seeping into her shirt now if she wasn't such a selfish, terrible person.
Jennie presses soft, tear-laden kisses onto her neck, her cute nose breathing in Lisa's very essence, trying to capture it before the inevitable end of the treasure they had cherished together, their relationship. Something Lisa should've never agreed to, or dreamt success for.
