also i don't fucking know why but i get SO fucking emotional and like vulnerable or whatever around him like when i think about him and/or talk to him. and its annoying sometimes cause i feel so fucking weird and i always get this really weird feeling in my body or something idk but it just feels really weird but like a good weird?? if that makes any sense lol but yeah
and literally every time i think about him and/or talk to him my heart speeds up SO fucking much it feels like im literally about to die or something and to the point where my heart is literally going to just burst or explode or whatever and it even beats heavy sometimes if that makes sense, idk how to describe it but it does lol and also my brain races even faster then normal (and i have adhd/add so normal is already fast as fuck lol)
and my face feels like its burning like its on fire or something sometimes when i think about him or talk to him as well lol and then sometimes when i think about him or talk to him i cant help but smile no matter how hard i try not to smile or how hard i bite my lip or cheek i still cant stop smiling and sometimes i even cry or my eyes get teary
but the weirdest thing about it all is that its never happened before with anyone besides him even all my past boyfriend & girlfriends and stuff it never happened with and all my past crushes and shit, it was NEVER like this or this intense and it creeps me out and scares the fuck out of me because i know that he doesn't love me so i cant love him and stuff and he doesn't think of me like that in any way shape or form (which is obviously understandable) but even though i understand all the reasons why he doesn't, it still hurts. like REALLY REALLY fucking hurts.
like feeling literally fucking HEAD OVER HEELS for someone and ADORING that person and IDOLISING that person and wanting to do literally anything you possibly can just to make them feel loved and heard and appreciated and cared about and not alone and wanted and shit like that and wanting to do literally anything they want you to do no matter what it is and no matter how you feel about it even if it was to kill your own blood family or your own friends and best friend or yourself even, as long as it made them happy and put a smile on their face or made them laugh you'd still do it. that's exactly how i feel about him and the lengths i will go just for me to be the reason he laughs or smiles.
and for you to feel that way about someone or whatever and then know that they DONT feel the same way about you and they wouldn't do any of that stuff for you, that fucking hurts.
it feels incredibly fucking painful. and the pain is fucking unbearable.
and its like being stabbed multiple times for eternity- where you cant die ever, so you feel all of the pain. forever. in a fucking giant loop. that you cant fucking escape. no matter how hard you try, you cant stop that loop and get out of it. you're stuck there forfuckingever.
but again, i understand why he doesn't feel that way about me and i understand why he never will but still.
anyway it is literally 5:42am so im going to go kill myself now. goodbye.
