Things Only Go Downhill

Chapter 20

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"I'll never tell him how hard I fell that night"
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There were a lot of things Silas regretted after everything that happened. He tried to justify it... He was angry. He was irrational. He was off his meds and had no sense of purpose. In his mind, it didn't matter what he said or did because he didn't matter. If he was insignificant therefore his actions must be too.

Looking at it all from an outsider's perspective he would have looked like an asshole... well, maybe he was an asshole. What Gage had said wasn't a big deal. It shouldn't have mattered-

But it did. And it hurt. It didn't matter how insignificant it might have seemed to anyone looking in. It was enough to crush Silas... It was enough to tell him that the one person he thought could never lose faith in him was beginning to do exactly that. If Gage didn't believe in him how was he supposed to believe in himself? How was he supposed to get better without someone believing he could?

He was going to go find Eric since Eric seemed to be the only person that understood him. Eric might not have cared enough about Silas to hope that he'd one day find a happy and balanced life, but at least he cares enough to bring out the best in Silas during the worst of the mania. At least he let Silas be fun and exciting...

He would have gone directly to Eric's house if Eric's parents liked him. But since they hated Silas and Eric could usually be found smoking at the park, he opted to check there first.

When he arrived at the old, worn park he quickly spotted a hooded figure sitting on the top of the ladder to the old boarded-off slide. The park had been abandoned for years after one too many kidnappings in the nineties. Nobody had bothered to remodel it.

He watched a hand pull away from the figure's head and a the light green glow of a vape began to fade away. Silas instantly stopped in his tracks as soon as he spotted it. Eric didn't even own a vape. Much less a green one - his least favorite color.

"Hey, beautiful" Silas recognized the voice instantly. It was Xavier... Gage's boyfriend. Xavier had always been cold to Silas. He never knew why but he was always either staring at him a little too long or giving him dirty looks. Always either pretending he didn't exist or making snarky remarks to degrade him. The one time he hadn't entirely hated Silas was back before Gage had even considered dating him. When Silas got manic he tended to become a bit more... Sexual. He vaguely remembered Xavier calling it hot.

"It's Silas... Not Gage" Xavier glanced over, revealing his handsome face and messy dark hair.

"I know" Silas stopped in his tracks at that. On one hand, Silas was thrilled to get any attention from anyone. It wasn't like he was getting any anywhere else... On the other, he was Gage's boyfriend and it was weird.

"Then why-"

"Because I like you. I think you're interesting" Xavier deadpanned. He hopped off the top of the ladder and landed in the old woodchips making them scatter. "Don't get me wrong... I love Gage... It's just that he can never fully satisfy... Ya know? You're different. You're better"

Those words kept spiraling in Silas's head. He should have been angry. He should have felt sick to his stomach. And he was after everything calmed down and the reality of the situation fully sunk in... But not in the moment. In the moment all he could comprehend was that a pretty boy was interested him and willing to give him the time of day. For the first time in a long time, someone looked at him like they wanted him. And for the first time ever, he wasn't second to Gage.