Catch Me (Synacky)

Chapter Thirty-Two: Zacky

I punched Brian. And I made him bleed.

I didn’t know why I did it, and that frightened me. I usually know exactly why I do the things that I do. But I just had so many feelings, so many bad things inside of me, that had grown and festered from Dad and Mum and the institution, and I suppose…

I supposed I had snapped.

When I was allowed back to the room, I looked at Brian. He was sitting in his bed, tongue running back and forth over his lip, which had a nasty cut on it.

“I’m sorry.” I told him. And I meant it, too. I always mean what I say. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I… I don’t know what I was doing.”

Brian ran his hand over his forehead. There was a faint scab there, from some sort of injury he sustained during his time in isolation.

“You have to learn to control yourself, Zacky.” I did not like the sound of Brian’s voice. It was all wobbly and thick. “Yes, I do understand you been through a whole fucking lot, but you have to learn to- to not hit the only person in this fucking place that cares for you.”

“Dr. Brooks cares for me.” I said. Brian closed his eyes.

“You say you’re falling. You say you want me to catch you. But how the fuck can I? You’re spiraling so fast, Zacky, I won’t be able to catch you. You’re just going to take me down with you.” He opened his eyes slowly. He whispered, “Do you want that?”

I did not understand what he was saying. He looked upset, very upset, and I couldn’t help but think that he was upset with me.

“Are you upset with me?” I asked, and he slammed his fist down on the nightstand, making me jump.

“Yes, I am upset with you, Zacky!” he wasn’t shouting, but his voice sounded bad, and I couldn’t understand what he meant. “You tell me to catch you, but what if I’m falling too? Have you thought about that? All I ever do is look after you, and who the hell will look after me?”

I closed the door. I sat down on my bed. Brian stood up.

“Zachary James Baker, I don’t even know what to do anymore.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I fucking say all this but I am still so madly in love with you and I just don’t know.” He closed his eyes tight. “Maybe this isn’t love. Maybe this is just hormones, I’m only a teenage boy after all. Mentally ill on top of that. Insane. Retarded. An unintelligent, twisted fucker who is fucking obsessed with a kid with autism, of all things! Hell, and what the fuck have you done for me? Nothing! But why am I so smitten with you, why the fuck can’t I get you out of my mind?”

I waited until he had finished talking. I wanted to rock and groan, I wanted to count prime numbers, but I forced them all aside. I whispered, “Do you wish you hated me, Brian?”

“What? No, I can’t. I couldn’t possibly even want to hate you, even if I tried. I just, fucking hell, Zacky. It’s very hard, I wish I knew all the right things to say, how to act all the time. But I don’t. I fucking don’t. And sometimes you frustrate me to no end and I just want to pull all my hair out, oh, fuck, Zacky-“

Then he was kissing me. I was shocked, eyes wide as his hands gripped my shoulders, his lips burning into my own.

Maybe it was because he was angry. Maybe it was because I was a little frightened. But that kiss was more passionate than any we had ever shared. He crawled on top of me partially and I let him, and his tongue was in my mouth and my hands were under his shirt, fingers splayed out wide, touching as much of his skin as I could.

The kiss left me breathless, and I was torn between needing more oxygen and needing more Brian. Because we had never shared anything like this before and I never wanted it to end. We did eventually break apart, however, only for us to end up kissing again.

Eventually, though, the kisses slowed, like how an airplane slows down before it can touch the ground. He cupped my face in his hands, pressing our foreheads together. We were silent for a moment, panting and looking at each other. Brian whispered, “How could I wish I hated you when I don’t think I could live without you?”

I said, “You could live without me. All you need for survival is enough water to stay hydrated and at least-“

“Shh.” Brian pressed his lips to mine gently. “What I mean is that, I don’t want to spend time away from you. I love being in your company, Zacky. And I intend for it to stay that way for a very long time.”

“We can fall together then.” I whispered. “Then at least we’ll still have each other when we land.”

“I think-I think I’ve already landed.” Brian’s voice was quiet and nice, and I closed my eyes as his lips worked down my neck. “I think I was falling, I just didn’t know it. And I fell right into your arms. You caught me already. And I think, in a way, I caught you too.”

I whispered. “Yeah.” Because I thought he was right. Even though I didn’t quite understand everything he had said to me. He buried his face in my chest and I wrapped my arms around him. And I knew inside that Brian was my whole world. And he had caught me. Everything was going to be okay.

It is called closure. That is what I felt, just then. A sense of resolution. Putting things out of my mind. I still missed Dad, I had sadness because he was gone, but it didn’t fester and grow within me. My bad feelings against Mum, whatever they were, they weren’t just pushed to the side. They were leaving. Slowly but surely I would get better. I knew it.

Even though I was not always kind to Brian, even though he was not always kind to me, even though we had differences that we probably would never be able to come to terms with, I knew he would be there for me every step of the way.

And I would be there for him too. No matter what.