Catch Me (Synacky)

Chapter Fourteen: Zacky

I like Brian.

When I thought about him, my whole body thrummed with emotions that I couldn’t even begin to sort through. It was something I definitely wasn’t accustomed to, but I loved it and I welcomed it. It made me want to spin, and sometimes I did, twirling down the halls of the school building because Brian was filling my thoughts.

I remembered when he had kissed me, and at lunch, I had kissed him in return. It was short, very short, I didn’t want the aids to see. Contact of any kind was a major violation here.

I had my meeting with Dr. Brooks instead of group therapy that evening. I still hadn’t put anything else in the notebook.

I thought about telling him about Brian, about these feelings I had, but I decided against it.

We talked about lies instead.

Telling a lie is a very difficult process, and it is simply something that I do not do. The reason why is very basic, really. If I were to, for example, learn about the central limit theorem in math class, and I wanted to say something that didn’t happen in its place, there are countless other possibilities. My mind wanders about how I didn’t learn about binomial distributions, or review Kendall’s theory of statistics, and we didn’t paint sunsets or eat Froot Loops and there wasn’t a lion in the room. Then my mind starts to race and I feel sick to my stomach because I’m thinking too many thoughts and I have to rock and groan and play through Djangology in my head.

I did not know how to express this to Dr. Brooks, so I just told him I found it impossible to tell lies.

He said, “My, that’s quite a talent. Many people wish they had gone their whole lives telling only truth. Lies can get people in a lot of trouble.”

And eventually that talk moved to Dad. Dr. Brooks had taken it upon himself to see if there had been a funeral. I was not offended by this. I do not get offended easily.

“It seems as though there was a funeral, although it only contained a few of your father’s work friends. I don’t know why they didn’t think to include you in that…”

I didn’t know either. I was the most important person to Dad, well, maybe other than the woman with the yellow bag. I asked what was going to happen to me now.

“I believe you’re going to get a caseworker, and they’ll look for any other remaining family you might have.” I thought about my family. I didn’t think I had any other relatives. All four of my grandparents were late, in fact, I had only met one, Granddad, and he died when I was nine years, four months, and 26 days old. I didn’t know if either of my parents had brothers or sisters. I didn’t even know if Mum was alive. She left and we never heard from her again.

“I spoke with Mr. Todd, and he has approved you a day pass to go and visit your father.” He paused, waiting for me to process it. I wasn’t sure about visiting Dad. He was inanimate now, he was just a lump of rotting flesh underneath six feet of dirt. I looked at Dr. Brooks.

“To pay your respects. To say goodbye properly.” Dr. Brooks smiled a nice way. “We could bring some flowers.”

I said, “I live far away.”

“Yes, it’s a three hour trip each way. That’s why I’ve gotten a whole day pass. I’ll drive you, of course.”

I frowned down at my pet. It was inanimate, but I still kept it close to me. I still found solace in it. Would visiting Dad be the same way?

“We can bring Brian, if you’d like…”

That definitely caught my attention. “Really?” I asked, unsure. I had a difficult time reading Dr. Brooks expression, and we had just finished talking about lying. Was he lying to me?